How should I react to DH shouting?

[winniemum]

Just need some advice. My Dh shouts quite a bit. Sometimes at the children and sometimes at me.
After lunch I was hoping everyone would help clear up. But DH gave the DC's jobs to do and went and sat in front of the TV.
I wasn't happy with this so asked him to come and help me as I'd been working all morning and he'd only worked for a couple of hours.
He really shouted at me in front of the DCs. I told him he was only shouting so I'd go and clear up and he wouldn't have to do any.
Guess what? I cleared up myself to keep the peace and DH carried on watching the TV. I'm really upset as I can't cope with the shouting and hate the DCs to witness it, and I go into my shell a bit.
Now he is in a bad mood with me because I've been quiet all day. He's gone out to take the dog for a walk and slammed the door.
But it wasn't my fault in the first place was it? Or am I being awful for being quiet. He calls it sulking. But I really find it hard to be happy when he's been shouting. I find it hard to react in any other way. How else would you react?

bubalu shouting back teaches your dcs that it's OK to shout, but ignoring it may well be giving them the signal that their Dad is justified and that's normal behaviour and as a woman you should just sit back and take it.

My mother took the route of the silent partner for years, just reacted quietly and haughtily but it solved absolutely nothing, but my brothers have a very distorted view of how relationships should be and I put up with an awful lot more sh*te than I should have in the past.

Neither way is right, because both ways are expressing disrespect and lack of care.

Sometimes shouting is just an expression of frustration and should be seen as that - I do it sometimes but then say sorry straight away. But regular shouting that makes the other person feel bad is far more than that. Twisting it afterwards to absolve yourself from blame and make the other person feel guilty is actually really nasty and destructive.

achillea - shouting back teaches DC's that it's OK to shout back and stand up for yourself.

This isn't ideal. Ideally she would tell the giant dickwad not to shout and her and he would listen - but that sounds unlikely.

What's the alternative - keep quiet and hope he will stop?

I agree bubalu, it is better to stand up for yourself and if shouting is the only way to do it then it has to be. The alternative - if nothing changes - is to leave.

I'm afraid I'm back again. Things are getting worse and I really don't know what to do. The other day I undermined him in front of my DC as I had misread the situation. He became very angry with me and shouted. Not unusual. But then he kicked the lounge door, called me a fing btch , not to my face but while he was in the kitchen and shouted at me 'you know where the door is'. I calmly told him I wasn't going to leave, so he said he'd burn the house down before _he left. Oh god this sounds dreadful and I know what you'll say but he has suggested counselling which surprised me.
I do know I was wrong to undermine him and I apologised that I had misread the situation, but I said the very least he could do was apologise for calling me a f b. He said he wouldn't as I am being a b by being quiet with him. How can I be friendly and chatty with him though when he won't apologise? He is trying to be nice to me but I just feel like he can't love me so I can't warm to him.
I have recently become stronger in my responses towards him, ie saying no to things and not letting him get away with being angry and I think he's becoming more angry as I become stronger.
Just needed to tell someone.

Are you sure you "undermined" him and "misread" the situation? Could it be that your instincts are right, and that he just convinces you after the fact that you are in the wrong?

Yes, this is dreadful, and yes, you know what I am going to say: this is abuse. You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

He is a bully and they don't change their stripes. DO NOT go to joint counselling with a bully: he is the problem, and his sense of entitlement should not be given the same weight as your concerns, which is what will happen in couples' counselling.

Instead, book yourself into individual counselling for your benefit, to clear your head, and see if he is serious about working on himself and signs himself up to his own set of counselling sessions to deal with his abusive behaviour.

winniemum

Abusive men do not usually attend counselling sessions (because they at heart think they are doing nothing wrong in the first place). Joint counselling is a complete no anyway given the ongoing emotional abuse he metes out.

Weak bullying men like your H use counselling to pin all the blame on their victim, in this case you (and by turn your children who have grown up within such an unhealthy environment). He knows that he is now losing overall control over you, that is also why he lashes out as he does. All that he does is typical of such controlling men.

He does not shout at other people like this does he, he reserves all this for you.

Things will not improve for you or your children as long as you remain within this situation. I would be seeking legal advice so that you have more knowledge of where you stand legally, knowledge after all is power. Womens Aid can also assist you here.

Your H actively chooses to shout at you and his children and uses you all as his emotional punchbag. What have they learnt and are learning about relationships from the two of you?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Something still keeps you within this so what is it?.

Do not go to counselling with him; it is not advised because he will use it as another opportunity to undermine you and to give him more ammunition to use on you.

Do phone Women's aid.

Personally I would phone the police on the non-emergency number and get them to record his threat of burning the place down.

The situation is already getting worse. He has gone from shouting, to violence against in-animate objects and threats; the next stage will be violence against you/the children/pets. Please take this very seriously.

Do be prepared to dial 999 if he becomes violent again.
Do not let him know you are planning to leave/get rid of him.
Start to gather copies of importnat documents and bank statements. Have these kept in a safe place out of the house (with a friend or relative).

get bag so next time he says leave you do so - with the Dc to somewhere safe

take his threats seriously - he is getting more angry.

think of who you could go to with dc if you need to; have money spare car keys , charged up spare payg mobile etc.

if he smashes things or is aggressive with you leave and call 999

Thanks. Just confused as he suggested counselling, so maybe he wants to change.
Attila, I'm not sure what I'm getting out of the relationship now. It had never crossed my mind to go before now.
We've been married a long time, the kids love him, I thought I'd be married forever and if I left he'd be so furious. But things aren't good.
He has said sorry this afternoon but I don't feel the incident is over as I can't forget what he called me. Do you think his behaviour will definitely get worse?

Counselling will just enable his abuse. Either joint counselling or any counselling for him.

His behaviour is escalating so yes it very likely will get worse . It certainly won't get better (or will only get better temporarily).

His behavior gets worse as you won't stand for it. He's loosing control of you and it's making him more angry. Please stay safe and call Womens Aid.
Put any paperwork and important stuff somewhere safe so you can get them if it gets so bad you and the kids need to leave suddenly.