WWYD - family issues

[summersunsomethingsbegun]

Namechanging for this as I don't want this to be recognised IRL.

My mother has not spoken to either of her parents in about 10 years. When I was a child we were relatively close to them but she had issues going back to her childhood which I know about but don't want to disclose here and found them generally irritating and difficult so she cut them off. I am not 100% certain of the precise reasons, and tbh don't know if there are any or just a slow burn "I can't take them".

They are now elderly, and not going to live forever. She says that she'll deal with any remorse if it comes, and that's as much as she'll say on it.

I have two much younger brothers and a sister who can't remember them and hence aren't bothered in the slightest (to them it's as if they're dead). But I can, and while I know that they had their considerable faults I also know, and can remember that they did very clearly love me and my mum. My mother had her reasons, but she is very hard on people's faults whereas I and my dad are much more forgiving and like to "take people with us".

I miss them a little bit TBH and I have ever since we stopped seeing them. My dad has recently suggested I get back in touch as an attempt to heal rifts before it's too late.

My mother has always said that I can get in touch independently but I don't know how she'd react if I actually did. I would be between a rock and a hardplace - tell her and deal with her reaction or don't tell her, which is a fairly major omission and deal with the consequences if somehow she finds out. She is absolutely not toxic, but she is very insecure and a little bit irrational - she sees the mistake someone has made before the good they have done, if you get what I mean.

It's difficult to advise you without knowing why your mother broke contact to be honest. It takes a lot to cut contact so my feeling is your mum may have legitimate issues with them and while you are a separate person and therefore entitled to have a relationship with your grandparents I would be very wary of making contact again unless you know all the facts.

I had a similar situation after mam and much loved aunt had big fall out more than 10 years ago.

Aunt was very much in the wrong and caused a lot of problems. However, I heard she was in increasing I'll health and also estranged from her three children and decided four years ago to go and see her. I continued a relationship through her final struggle with lung cancer last year.

It ultimately led to a kind of reconciliation between her and mum shortly before my aunt died. I also convinced her children to see her at the end. I don't know how I would have felt if she'd died before we'd reconciled but I am really pleased I did even though being there through her death and confiding bridges between her and other family members was traumatic. It feels like I did the right thing as she'd been good in my childhood.

My advice would be to go and see them before it's too late.

Perhaps your Mother's harshness towards some is a result of how she was treated as a child. Contact your GP and see what happens. Good luck.

People don't just drop their parents for no reason. It sounds to me as though your DM has quite serious issues which she obviously isn't keen to discuss.

I don't think it would be right to try to bring about any kind of reconciliation, but if you want to see them then you should get in touch.

You need to prepare for the fact that you might be opening a can of worms and creating big trouble for yourself, and your relationship with your mum. I would think hard about whether you really think it's worth it for the sake of people you "miss a little bit".

I think if it's important to you you should get in contact with them

I think it would be a bad idea to keep it a secret from your mum, I would just say something like ' mum you remember how you said it was up to me if I contacted x and y, well I've decided to. I don't want to hurt you, I love you and you're very important to me but this is something I have to do'. And then if it starts becoming a problem just refuse to be drawn into arguments about it

Thanks to everyone who has replied.

Without giving too much away (I'm not drip feeding I just don't want to be identified and it's not really mine to tell) the core issue is that her parents were self-absorbed people who married far to young and spent the early part of their marriage acting like complete children. My mother was the oldest of many and deeply resents the fact that she was expected to take on an adult role for younger siblings and for her parents. Ironically, she also did the same with me (I am not saying anywhere near as badly) when my siblings were born!

I don't think that my GPs are perfect by any stretch of the imagination but what was very obvious to me (and my dad) and what my mum could never see was how much they loved her and how much they loved me. This is actually deeply selfish on my part - I can't bear the idea of a lonely elderly couple and I can't bear the thought of them dying with this hanging over us all.

"My mother has always said that I can get in touch independently "

I think your mum is probably trying to protect you from being used. If your GPs have a track-record of expecting others to take care of them, you could find that if you turn up at the wrong moment, you become their de facto carer. I would therefore take her on face value, say you'd like to get in touch but also make it clear that you are well aware of their faults. If she violently objects, then don't go behind her back.

Thanks Cogito, I hadn't thought of that. You've made a good suggestion and that's a really good point. One of the issues my mother had with her mother was that there always had to be some sort of drama. If someone wasn't ill, and there wasn't an emergency, GM would always be having a row with someone or something similar. And both grandparents had a habit of saying inappropriate or quite hurtful things and then getting hurt if they were called up on it. Not major things, just niggly and tactless. Eg turning around to someone after my parents had spent a lot of time and effort on a nice birthday present and saying "my daughter's always been hopeless with money".

Funnily enough, this is also a trait my mother has, but I think I deal with it better. EG when she gets hurt for being called up on things I just repeat ad infinitum, I know you think it was funny or just throwaway but it didn't sound very nice to me"

Sorry I am really drip feeding and I didn't mean to. A big part of the issue for me is that my mother is actually very similar to her parents and I sort of feel that if she'd had more contact with them she would recognise this and some of her own faults more.

If you read threads on here about cutting family members off its not something people do lightly....people have lots of reasons...i am sure your mums reasons are very valid....i have a sibling who says she loves me, tells all and sundry and yet in reality is my worst enemy and always has been in my life.

you are of an age though where you can make your own descions and protect yourself...if your instincts are telling you to get in touch then do. you can always retract.

It's very easy to see the similarities for you, but I doubt that your mum would recognise herself in her parents and be motivated to change. People often just don't see it.

You may think your DM may is similar to her parents but I don't think you should approach any contact with them as some kind of Angel of Mercy mission to reconcile everyone and especially not as a way to highlight your DM's faults. I think that would be very foolish.