Verbal abuse..is it always about name calling or can it take other forms?

[Blackden]

I need some help with this and I'm feeling a bit sensitive today so please try to be kind.
I know that name calling and put downs are verbal abuse, but what about if someone talks over you or shuts you down when you're trying to speak etc?
And why do people resort to verbal abuse? Is it because of stress (theirs) or a short fuse or they're just downright twunts who know exactly what they're doing?
Can it be stopped?

I suppose tactics like constant interruption could be a form of verbal abuse. Depends how it's done really. Why do people do it? Either because they are bullying, domineering types deliberately trying to intimidate others. Or because they are thick as two short planks and like the sound of their own voice.

It can be stopped but you have to be very direct. Like politicians in interviews, if they talk over you, you have to hit right back at them.... 'If you'll allow me to finish!!!'.... 'are you interested in what I think or shall we talk about you some more?'... Or you learn how to speak VERY LOUDLY. Or you make them look silly with a wise-crack like ' That was the sound of a word trying to get in edgeways!'

My dh interrupts me constantly, because he doesn't think anything I have to say is important. He dismisses my opinion on things, just saying I'm wrong so no further discussion needed. After putting up with it for years, yes I would say it is verbal abuse even without name calling (although I'm getting more of that too these days). It grinds you down, makes you feel worthless and is soul destroying.

Hi Blackden. Yes, it is part of verbal abuse. In some contexts, eg public ones, I would call it something different, such as rudeness or boorishness.

Why do they do it? Not stress, not a short fuse, though that can aggravate it.

If it's in a domestic context....they do it in order to gain power over other people. They think they deserve to have that power. And that power is more important than the relationship, or the feelings of the other person, at that time ? or, at any time. And in public, the motivations would be similar (ie those rude interviewers Cogito mentioned...)

Do they know what they're doing. Yes and no?. it's a matter of opinion. They do know exactly who will take it and who won't ? if they're scared of their boss, the boss will never see that behaviour, for example.

I'm sorry you're feeling fragile Blackden?.have you had an unpleasant encounter today?

Sorry, didn't answer your question. I have directly challenged dh about the interrupting. He sometimes improves a bit but then smirks at me when I try to talk so it doesn't make me feel any more valued really.

In my situation dh does it because he feels he is 'cleverer' than I am and has more worthwhile things to say. I think it also makes him feel superior to me so makes him less insecure.

What's really annoying is he is capable of disagreeing and interrupting me regardless of whether he knows anything about the subject if not.

A tactic to try. It may or may not work, but is one I used when dealing with classrooms of stroppy teenagers who constantly interrupted. You may want to practise this on the children first.

The second he starts to talk over you stop speaking. Do it mid word if necessary. Stand, cross your arms, adopt an attitude of bored and slightly annoyed calm. Wait till he finishes. Allow an extra second or two to make it a bit uncomfortable, then continue on from the exact point you were interrupted. Do not address any of his points or acknowledge anything he said. If he interrupts you again, repeat. Continue to do so until you get to the end of what you were saying. If you can combine this with a 'look' (think the one school teachers use) all the better.

The point is to assert yourself and get your point across. By refusing to engage with his interruptions you are making a point that you deserve to be heard out. Get this right and it can be devastatingly effective. I managed to silence a whole room of Law academics using this technique last month, something their departmental head said he'd never seen happen before.

007 - Jesus - what a twat your 'd'h is. You do know you're worth more than that, don't you?

Imo it is verbal abuse. I'll never forget trying to make plans with ex over contact with dd and after I put the phone down my friend said, 'do you know he interrupted you 17 times?'

I hadn't even realised it was that bad. And like your h, 007, it was because he thought I had nothing valid to say (only about her asthma meds, sleep patterns, etc, sigh...)

Oh, and Blackden it is because he's a twunt and he can change - if he wants to.

This is in a relationship situation. Long and complicated back story that may not even be relevant. He's on AD's for stress and depression. Should I make allowances?

Yes, I'm aware of that. I'd make allowances if he was really trying to change. Is he?

No, don't make allowances. If it helps think of his behaviour as emotional abuse. Shitty behaviour is shitty behaviour, whatever name you'd like to give it.

Thanks everyone..can't believe I've got myself entangled in this. He can be very caring and thoughtful 99% of the time but then there's these moments where we're talking and I try to explain something and if he doesn't like my explanation he just talks over me, or he tries to brush it off...this is my ex, this is one of the reasons I divorced him in the first place. But he was much worse when we were married. We startred to spend a lot of time together about two years ago, after we'd been divorced a couple of years, and he wasn't doing this. But the last few months - maybe now he feels he's got me back or something - it's started again. As I said nowhere near as bad as when we were married, and he has got a lot of stress on his plate at the mo...
I'm not sure I want to end our relationship again, and for various reasons it would be even harder this time. And at my age and weight I think this is the best I can do anyway. I haven't got the energy or the strength to start again now.
Maybe I need to go over to the Support for those in EA relationships thread.
I know I didn't stand up to him when I was his wife, so maybe if I can learn to do so now, things can change....
fuck

You know what's going on now, so you are better armed.

Yiu have us too, so have about the best support you could ever wish for.

Things already HAVE changed! You can get out if this, just trust us, listen to us, ask questions, THINK EVERYTHING THROUGH, be brave and choose to put yourself in the rightful topspot in your life.

Yes it'll be hard, but we ALL of us can promise you that you'll be happy, safe and strong within a few months from now.

We're not going anywhere, lean on us as much as you need to, we can handle it.

"And at my age and weight I think this is the best I can do anyway."

NOOOO! Don't think like that!

"He's on AD's for stress and depression. Should I make allowances? "

No. Just because someone is stressed or depressed this does not give them the right to behave badly. If you tolertate the bad behaviour or make excuses on their behalf, they will turn it up a notch.

As he is you EXH but you are now spending more time together I would say he is now comfortable in your new relationship that he is showing his true colours again, now he got you back where he wants you.

And no just because he is stressed and depressed doesn't excuse the way he behaving.

So I've been observing him and he's behaving badly on and off.

Can I get some feedback on the latest please?

Last night I was talking to him about something I'd seen on tv and the whole time he was rolling his eyes and pulling his face as if to say 'oh FFS this is boring me'....I challenged him about it by asking when his friends were talking did he do that with them, and he said 'no' so I said 'so why do you do it with me then?' and he said 'you were taking forever to get to the point'.
Again, I'm not sure if I'm right to be bothered by this. Even if I was boring him surely his behaviour is rude and felt like he's trying to put me down in some way, or at the very least get me to shut up.
By the way the subject matter wasn't something girly, it was something I thought he'd be interested in too.

I don't know what to do. For several reasons, I'm in no position to walk away from the relationship at the moment. But also I don't know if I'm just being over sensitive and should just let it go when he does this?

Of course you shouldn't let it go! It sounds like your self worth has totally gone out the window. It's high time to work on getting it back. No one should ever ever put up with anyone, let alone their partner, the one person who should support and love them the most, behaving so horribly rudely towards them.

If my DH started rolling his eyes and pulling faces I would be devastated that he had so little respect for me. I would find it very hard to forgive. Naturally, we bore each other from time to time, but we love each other and would never want to hurt each others' feelings so we both listen politely, nod, ask a few questions and then change the subject. We would never give each other the indication that we weren't interested unless it was a pressurised situation (as in, we should be getting going, and one of us is wittering on, in which case the other would say, in a friendly way, "Ok, get to the point!").

Why can't you walk away from the relationship?

Thanks Cailin. We don't live together so I see the time we do spend together as like dates and think we should be having a nice time then. I hadn't been speaking for more than 15 seconds when the eye rolling started.
He just doesn't think it's rude to behave that with me. But I know he wouldn't do it with others. To everyone else he's Mr Nice Guy...

I can't leave at the moment because in many ways I'm more dependent on him now than I was when we were married. I've got no friends, no support system. He's all I've got. Plus we're involved in business together,... There are no jobs in my area, certainly not as well paid, and I don't even know where I'd get a reference from if I could find a job.

I'm a bit angry this morning. I feel like wheredidiputit above hit the nail on the head......he's been putting on an act to try to get me back and now he's got me he's reverting to how he was. He seemed to have changed and I had been full of hope for us having a future together again..

Right, my head is whirring this morning.
Just reread my post and I see that I need to start building up to regaining my independence and take some steps to enable me to move away from this.
The two areas I need to focus on are friends and job skills. I feel as if I'm probably even too old for the job market, employers want younger people. I'm not even sure that I've got any useful skills for employment.

He's just phoned and sounded sheepish - he knows I was upset last night. No apology of course.

Morning

Really glad some realisation has sunk in this morning, If you dont mind me saying so , it was soul destroying reading your thread, I was shouting at the lap top, I dont know how you have put up with it without stabbing the bastard to be honest. There is/was a reason he was/is your ex I bet he cant believe youve fallen for it all again, it sounds like though you cant either.

I'm mid 40's and have re trained for something i should have done 20 odd years ago, but I obviously needed those years to bring me to this point of realisation plus the life experience which was crucial.

Please realise that the mantra of too old, friends, jobs skills etc, is you self sabotaging because the effort seems to great, but to be honest if you dont call a halt to this shit then how much worse is it going to get?

Can you imagine another 5/10/20yrs with this man uses term loosely because if that sends a shiver down your spine, then its time to plan a way out of this mire.

Thanks so much Guiltypleasures. Shouldn't joke about this but when we were married I almost did stab the bastard...
I'm a bit older than you. I've never really fulfilled myself in career, spent 20 years in an entry level job because I was trying to focus on being a good wife and supporting him and his business rather than putting myself first. Stupid I know but I'm not the first to do that.

My head is all over the place this morning but it helps a lot to read the posts here.

if it helps hun, I nearly did mine too hun, out of shear desperation because he threw a picture ide just bought to the floor and jumped up and down on it laughing, he had also destroyed some pics that were irreplacable of our late daughter, I sort of came to with a shard of glass held at his adams apple, I can only think that ide snapped because i'de had enough.

I can honestly say hun it's never too late, I know its that old cliche of lifes too short, but truly it is, dont waste another second of it on him, he sounds like an emotional vampire, you wouldnt let a mate act like this. This is not your lot in life, there is more out there, it does take some effort yes, but the effort you are expending allowing yourself to be there with him, by far outweighs what it takes to explore the world unshackled and with the blinkers off. It's scary and exilerating at the same time, I cant begin to tell you what a roller coaster of a journey it is, but feck me it was worth it....

First step is to think of a career I can do that will be well paid enough to support myself. Haven't got a clue. I'd be happy to retrain but can't afford (and dont want) to go to university. Looked at Open University but it would take me at least 7 years to get a degree by which time I'll only be a few years from retirement age.
I feel very alone and very scared of the future. All I can see ahead is a lonely old age spent in poverty and it's fast approaching.

Blackden,

If I may say, you are looking at such a massive picture you cant see the finer detail. Hence it is much easier to stay put then rock the boat, may I suggest that you look at the things that are within your reach rather than the things that are further down the rd. I was a single mum, new area no mates, but, one of the mums at sons new school a few years ago now, mentioned the lack of dinner ladies, so I walked in and got a few shifts.

Then one of the dinner ladies was let down by her mate who was supposed to help her with a private house cleaning job, needless to say I earnt myself a tenner that afternoon before end of school day. And so it went on till I shared 7 cleaning jobs a week with her, pulling in about 100 pounds plus the dinner lady shifts. I made some friends and some contacts earnt some gas bill money.

What I am getting at is, its not always what you know sometimes fate intervenes, and I might add my previous marriage and life afforded me a very nice lifestyle, but he was a twunt abusive sometimes violent, and ripped me off for tens of thousands of pounds. Occasionally a leap of faith is needed and some self belief, the rest time will take care of. Once your mind is made clearer and his toxic cloud is no longer infecting your mind and soul, opportunities will make themselves available to you, age is a number, think on this, do you want to get to proper old age still with him, thinking if only?

GP, thanks. I'm terrified of being unemployed but I know what you mean, fate does have a way of intervening and pushing us along the right path.
I've only ever really done office work so I think that's where I need to brush up my skills which are outdated. I'm going to focus on that but I will definitely stay open minded to any opportunity that comes along. I'm just not feeling brave enough to take the leap right now and give up the work I have with him and fall into unemployment. Plus of course I wouldn't even be able to get JSA if I leave my job.
I could do with a part time job of some sort that I can do alongside my current work with him....that would give me a sense of independence and I do feel it would boost my confidence.
I'm also going to try to lose a bit of weight. I've put loads on lately - comfort eating - and that has really knocked my feelings of self worth.
I don't think I'm brave enough to take a leap. I think it will have to be baby steps.

blackden, I've just left my abusive OH after 15 years in the relationship. I was TOTALLY financially dependent on him. I stopped teaching to have the children and keep the house ( which is in his name)I left with 4 of my 6 children, 2 oldest ones chose to stay with him. I also am having great difficulty getting work. I have signed on and claimed every benefit I can. It was the only way I could get out. I don't like the fact that I am reliant on state handouts, but it was absolutely necessary for me and the children. There is always a way out.