Sitting here so upset

[GurlwiththeFrothyGoldMedal]

Over the past few weeks, DH seems to have got even more miserable and grumpy than usual. We have been rowing frequently and I hate the nervous feeling I have, waiting for him to kick off again.

DH is disabled and in constant pain and so I try to make allowances for him. We have been married for nearly 25 years and usually get on so well. But every few months, we seem to go through an awful phase like this.

Today, he made a really nasty comment at me - very cruel. I reacted and told him I was upset by it. His response was to try to turn it back on me, saying he would leave if I can't take him being "honest". I just totally pissed off with him twisting things like this.

I suppose the response will be LTB, and sometimes I do fantasise about living in a nice little flat by myself. But I simply can't do this. I am really ill myself, with a horrible chronic condition. Elder DS has ASD and I couldn't manage him without DH. DH and I are usually a good team. How on earth can I turn this around without making the peace myself, when I am not to blame? Sometimes he is so pigheaded that I could scream!

Sorry to hear you are having such a grim time lately. And, not knowing you, or him, it is hard to know what to suggest.

It does sound though as though you both have so much to contend with, with all the illness and disability and the ASD too. It really is no wonder that things are rocky as you are under immense strain.

25 years shows commitment on both sides and it sounds as if when you are not in one of these phases, that things are pretty good between you.

The only experience I have of constant pain was when I had a frozen shoulder for a year, followed by the return of the sciatica I had suffered from before. The relentlessness of it can make life very wearing indeed. If you also have a condition which affects you and is chronic, then you are both in similar positions and perhaps need some help in dealing with your individual pain and discomfort.

I am not excusing his being so nasty to you, I am just wondering if both of you are at the end of your tethers and therefore neither of you is at your best?

So sorry, hope someone else has more experience of this and some helpful advice on how you can change things and make life better for you and your DH.

Thank you for your reply, ScarletWoman. You are right about a lot of things. We bumble along quite well most of the time, but then something just gives. We have a huge amount of stress due to issues going back years - too many to mention on this thread really.

DH is my rock most of the time, but then he seems to get into a nasty mode. I either keep my head down or react back as I refuse to be a doormat! It's the way he behaves like a teenager, flouncing out saying he "knows where he stands", when it is him who has been cruel and nasty!

DS2 is home from Uni and has been commenting on how his father is being very aggressive at he moment. A lot of it is caused by pain, a lot through frustration and stress. But he never, ever apologises when he is in the wrong!

Sounds very frustrating and upsetting.

Is there anything that you both like doing together that is not involving the DCs?

What have been the best times between you? When have things been happy?

Does he get tired being your rock sometimes?

Can you think of the last time you had a really good laugh? Or a really good holiday? Or a great dinner? Or a loving kiss? Can you remember what made you both happy?

That not apologising thing is so annoying and is probably because to apologise when you are in the wrong means you are admitting you are in the wrong and that is not easy for any of us, because we all go through life thinking we are right about things!

I don't know your circumstances, but would a trip to the pub/cafe/river/park Paris/ whatever help?

Do you enjoy each other's company?

Do you like the same films?

25 years is a long time and so you must have loads of things in common and happy memories etc.

Am rambling now, but just thinking about the quality of your time together and whether any steps can be taken to get some of the enjoyable aspects back.

Sometimes, doing something new can change the direction... something you don't usually do...say a bottle of lovely wine to share and a game of scrabble?

Oops, rambling again...

The only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them and threaten the thing they fear most, which I would suggest in this case is you walking out. At the moment he is confident you wouldn't leave and therefore believes he has carte blanche to treat you as nastily as he pleases with no consequences. It's bullying... some say 'emotional abuse'.... designed to keep you feeling unsure of yourself, even guilty. His illness is no excuse for aggression.

The only way you will turn this around is to give him a fright. How you do that when you're ill and have a disabled child to care for I don't know but you have to stop feeling sorry for him, stop feeling grateful and give him a taste of his own medicine.

So, not a game of scrabble then?

Sorry, not meaning to be flippant, am just aware that not knowing you really makes it so difficult to know what to say and hoping I haven't just said the wrong stupid things

ScarletWoman, we do try to do things together, although we are very limited, both by his disability and my illness. I can't laugh any more - totally, physically impossible for me!

I am upset about my life in general as the illness is preventing me from doing anything more than staggering into work and then staggering home again. All I can do on an evening is rest. DH cannot work at all and manages the home. This works pretty well for us most of the time. Both DSs are young adults.

Cogito, I am fully aware of his bullying tendencies and stand up to him strongly. If this wasn't balanced out by his good characteristics, I would have left many years ago. I am certainly not going to back down this time and smooth things of like I usually do. Not sure how I am going to handle things though as we have a guest in the house at the moment and I don't want to create a scene. I am too ill to walk out and live on my own, so that isn't an option.

It's OK, ScarletWoman, what you are saying makes sense. I suppose I just wanted a place to vent! No real life friends here at all :(

And we do kiss and cuddle a lot, although no sex for years. We are going on holiday soon, although that is difficult as my health issues kick off when I try to travel away from home.

when I was with my ex I would say to him - you wouldn't talk to anyone in the office as you spoke to me - for me that is the level of courtesy I expect from anyone

happyAvocado - just what I said to him! He was telling me all about the lovely conversations he has with random people outside the house. And I replied that it was because he doesn't shout at them or say nasty "honest" things at them either!

He is often worse when DS2 is home from Uni as I think he feels a bit threatened by DSs intelligence. DH didn't do a degree and lost his career in very sad circumstances.

DH is not a bad man, just one who struggles to manage stress, illness, disability, depression and the general worries of life. He is also a bloody pain in the arse at times too, mind you!

Has your DH got any councelling about his disability and how to manage stress?
Or you?

He has had counselling in the past, which was very successful. Maybe he needs to have more. I am thinking about having counselling to deal with my anxiety levels, which trigger many of my health issues. The problem for me is that I often cannot speak as I have a physical issue with my vocal cords.

It all just piles on...

Okay, I don't know the details of your condition but I can't believe that there's no way you can leave. Do you or your son have a social worker? Someone you could discuss your options with? Would you be eligible for support for you or your son? Supported living? Beneifits to top up your income if you were able to cut your hours? Maybe see a solicitor for a free half hour?

I don't think you really want to leave, you just don't want to be treated like shit on his shoe, and who can blame you for that? At least he hasn't totally ground you down. You've still got some fight left in you, thank god. I think you'll be in a much stronger position if you had an idea of how you could survive without him - and it might shock him into appreciating you a bit more instead of being a dick.

I think perhaps you need time away - maybe now your son is at home from Uni - a week away? Woudl it be OK to get a letter fro myour GP and go away somewhere?

Luckily, money is not an issue. I could afford to rent a flat if I wanted to and was able to live alone. I can't go into more details of my health problems as I don't want to out myself, but I simply cannot manage to live on my own or with DS.

I somehow need to talk to him about what is going on without him kicking off or twisting it all to be my fault. Not sure how to do that!

Write him a letter?

Yes, that might be a good idea. That way, I can set things out and he can't interrupt me or talk over me.

If money isn't an issue - maybe go away for a week and find someone who can come and help your husband to look after DS1

Hey OP, how you doing today? Are things any better?

Could you record him? If he isn't like this all the time, it could be a cyclic depression brought upon by what he has to cope with. When he's out of that mood, you could play it back to him, and see how he reacts. If he reacts as he should, then perhaps he might be willing to get some counselling, or just do something that helps pull him out of these 'black dog days'.

Things have improved a bit, thanks. He did apologise for his nasty comments on the next morning and I told him how shouting upsets me and brings on my illness.

I also talked about the fact that what he is saying is fine, usually, but the volume is not. Took a while for him to get that!

We do have so many things to deal with. Just when we get something sorted, another awful thing seems to happen. Both us need counselling, I think, but not sure when we will make that happen. I did have some on the NHS last year and it was not good. I maybe need to investigate going private.