Separating-my decision

[lunamoon]

Hello
Don't know what I am asking really except confirmation that what I have done is reasonable I suuopse.
I have asked dh to leave today and told him that I cannot continue to live this way anymore.

I have been with dh for over 20 years we have 3 children.

He has always enjoyed going out, fair enough. However it has got the stage where I think he should want to be with his family and should put this above going out every week, sometimes 3 times a week drinking with his mates.
We have rowed over this many times duing out marriage.
He finally agreed that he would stop going out on Sunday from 3-10pm as this is my day off too nad I was sick and bloody tired of having to be alone looking after 3 children whilst he sodded off.
He asked me to go out with him but my response was always who will look after the children and I don't particularly want to spent our family day off getting pissed.

I have never stopped him from going out and do agree that it is fine to spend time apart but that family should come first.
He wanted a marriage and children after all.

The other problem is money.
He is in debt and I cannot cope with this anymore.

He has asked me to help him but this weekend he has been out twice, borrowing money from my son and telling him that he will pay him back fom the child tax credit.
He went out when I was out with dd2 to the pub. I learnt this from my son, whom he had left unfed.
Anyway I rang and told him to get himself in he has no money is in debt and should not be out drinking, btw he was out Friday night too.

He refused to come in telling me that if he wants a beer he will have one.

Anyway I went to a close friends ran all this by her and asked if I was being unreasonable. She told me he is taking the pissw and using me as a nice wifey who will do all the chores whilst he acts like a single bloke.
I have told him to leave. I am not prepared to listen to excuses any longer.
Please don't ask why I have tolerated yhis for so long because I have always tried to reason with him and he has always turned it around on me.

i told my friend that it has always been out up with it or divorce and now it looks as though the second option is the only one available to me.
Thank yopu for such a long post, please someone tell me I will be better in the long run.

Sorry for typos.

I don't want to let this post fall off the front page without any responses, but I don't have any great advice I'm afraid.

How old are your children, and have you got any legal advice yet?

I would speak to solicitor and maybe citizen's advice to ensure he doesn't have access to money which you need for running the home and get information on how to proceed with the separation, what are the legal procedures, what claims he has on the house etc

After 20 years life should be much less stressful without a boozy stop-out to deal with constantly, you will probably wish you had done it years ago.

Thanks for the replies.
My dcs are 15, 13, 10.
I haven't sought any advice yet.
He has agreed to go.
I have just spoken to one friend who herself went through a divorce and she says she understands the fact that a want a husband, someone who doesn't feel the needc to go out to "unwind". She says her ex was the same always making excuses as to why "nipping out for a pint" wasn't really a night out away from his family.

That is what I feel Mayisout. Life should be getting easier, not harder. I don't want a man-baby but I want a husband.
Feel very upsetr about the whole issue.

I would get some advise stat from someone in the know about finances about what to do now so he can't drag you down with more debt or endanger the house you live in by tying debts to it. This should definitely be your first priority if he's so bad with money.

I don't blame you for not wanting to be saddled any more with someone that sounds lazy, detached, irresponsible and reckless with money. It's not a winning combination and I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether.

Definitely talk to a solicitor and find out what your various rights and responsibilities are, especially financially. In a divorce settlement you will discover that personal debts remain personal whereas assets and shared debts (like a mortgage) are joint. You probably can't rely upon getting anything than minimum maintenance out of this man if he's so bad with money so make your plans around self-sufficiency and treat anything you get out of him as a bonus. In the meantime, get your ducks in a row by getting hold of all bank and credit card statements, mortgage papers and other documentation. It will all help.

My exH had a lot in common with your husband, unfortunately. Immature pisshead and reckless with cash. Despite the household income going down by 60% when he left I can honestly say that, although I struggled short-term, in the long-run I was much better off financially, much more relaxed and far happier. good luck

You're doing the right thing in putting him out, he's lazy and selfish. You may well be able to get help with childcare costs once he's gone, and you are already working... As eveyrone has said, see a solicitor, make sure you detach your finances from his and get everything nailed down quickly. Best of luck.

Thank you.
I have made a few phone calls and been advised about tax credits and help with council tax.
I have also been advised to try and get help with the mortgage payments as dh is expecting me to pay the mortgage.
I will speak to a solicitor next week as I am taking the dcs on a pre arranged budget break this week, so don't quite feel upto that yet.

I have also been given a debt helpline which I have told dh about as I really would like him to sort out his debt.
Cog-thanks for info as I have been worrying about having to bail out dh debt.
I have felt bitter for ages as I have scrimped and scraped (hence the bugdet break only 1 night) whilst dh swans off to the pub.

His mate also let slip that dh has asked him to go abroad on a random persons stag do, one of the deal breakers for me.

He is going to end up one of those sad old men propping up the bar with only the barmaid/man for company and they will be paid to talk to him - he is an arse, you are well shot

In my marriage I also felt like I was making the money and he was spending it. What you'll find is that your thrifty habits will stay with you and, without him around pissing it up the wall, you'll suddenly have a bit of extra cash. My DH had a £10,000 O/D on his personal account which he took with him but left me with a £2,000 O/D on the joint account which I ended up paying back. If you have any joint accounts make sure they're in credit & that he can't access the money without your permission. If you have a personal account, start salting any spare cash away now.