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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Constant rowing- not sure how to mend things?

5 replies

cheekymonk · 05/08/2012 12:34

Hi All. just posting as feeling desperate. Dh and i have been married 10 years but this last year things have been very rocky. problems really started after DD born (she is now 18 mths) and DS aged 7 reacted badly to her after the novelty had worn off. i have posted before about me and Dh clashing over ds's behaviour and dh working away and got some helpful comments and advice. Thing is, when i think about how I have been over last week, i have been vile, just horrible. i have called dh fucking useless, a waste of space, lazy etc. I was trying to talk to my mum on the phone yesterday and ensured kids were washed, fed, dressed etc before call. ds was watching telly and dh took dd out. he came back in 10 mins into call which made ds kick off as he was enjoying his space, there was dd screaming. Dh said she didn't want to be outside anymore, fair enough but it was the randomness of being in/out that frustrated me. He could have taken her to park?! he said he felt pushed out of his own home. My Mum says it is terrible how there is always rowing whenever we talk and feels like the family cannot do without me for the hour that we talk. We do talk in the evening too, but i am expecting too much for dh to entertain dd while I speak to my Mum (she lives 3 hours away). Today dh has taken kids out after i asked him too but clearly didn't want to and huffed and puffed. he is in scotland working from mon to thurs this week so i am trying to get some sanity time. Dh feels I need too much break!!! We do find juggling the needs of the kids stressful especially due to our living arrangements (we sleep in dining room). What with our debt problems (IVA due to end next year) and the stress of trying to get a bigger house it is all too much. I told dh I hated him this morning and would leave if it wasn't for kids. He glazes over most of what I say, rarely asks how I am or feel and treats me like a skivvy. I don't feel loved or appreciated at all and neither can he. My Mum is very concerned about us as a family and dh in particular. she finds his behaviour odd at times and I too question it as sometimes, he is just so unhelpful and obstructive. i was going to paint the kitchen while he was out but he went mad, saying I must smooth the walls down first and plaster and kind of bullied me out of it. The house needs some diy as we hope to sell it but he stops me doing anything but won't do anything himself (blames me and says I won't have kids on weekend-well if he has been away in week then no,I'm not keen!) its awful and I don't want the kids living with all this hostility.

OP posts:
CogitoErgOlympics · 05/08/2012 12:53

You're living in a pressure cooker. Cramped, skint, resentful and pulling on different ends of the same rope. You have too many problems going on all at once to deal with on a practical level and I'm not surprised that tempers are frayed. I think you need to get the children out of the picture completely for a weekend (would your Mum have them?), calm everything down and talk to each other like a couple rather than simply fighting the next fire. If you can't talk without rowing, that's when mediators can come in handy. Fix on one aspect only that you can fix together first because I think, by trying to do everything at once, ... housework, house-move, kids, money, DIY... it is too big a mountain to climb

cheekymonk · 05/08/2012 12:59

It is overwhelming. Estate agent said it (living conditions) must feel like a black cloud hanging over us and it does. i come up with solutions and dh knocks them back. i am exhausted, as i think we all. are. Mum wants to take me away for a weekend but i too think dh and I need a weekend to ourselves more. Thanks cogito for your empathy x

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CogitoErgOlympics · 05/08/2012 13:08

You do need time to yourselves. Anyone can get along when everything's rosy. Problems are what test relationships and if you're unlucky to be married to someone who's answer to problems is to knock you back or stick their head in the sand, it's very frustrating. DH probably enjoys his time when he works away from the family and finds home-life more chaotic and stressful than the person that is living it 24/7.

I think you need a day to relax and reconnect together, not thinking about kids, houses, money and so on. Take that time to initiate some mutual appreciation and be kind to each other. Reminisce about when you first met and what qualities you liked about each other. Everyone responds to kind words, everyone needs reassurance and it may stop the vicious circle.

Once you are secure in each others love again, I think you need several days to look at each practical problem in turn together, decide what's achievable, what isn't, and what the priorities are. If you are naturally better at that than DH take the lead, but make it clear that you can't do it without his support.

cheekymonk · 05/08/2012 16:34

Really constructive advice cogito, thank you.

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cheekymonk · 08/08/2012 21:49

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