how to know its over...

[mstumble]

I'm new to the world of mumsnet but feeling very low and could do with some advice. I have 3 small children and started my family young. To cut a long story short, neither myself or DP were ready for the stress or pressure that came with it. He developed a gambling addiction to which I only found out about much later and I was unfaithful, to which I confessed 6 months ago. Despite the fact these things happened 4 years ago we are dealing with them now and there is a lot of resentment between us. I don't want the children to be brought up in this kind of atmosphere but it seems so sad to end what we have because we fucked up in the early days. I really don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

The first thing to decide is what you don't want and that is clear. You don't want the children to grow up in an atmosphere of mutual resentment and bitterness. Therefore the choices are a) go your separate ways or b) reconcile. Separation always comes with regrets and sadness whoever you are and however you got together... but regrets can be much bigger if you settle for a miserable life with someone with whom you are not compatible. Reconciliation is hard, especially when there is resentment. It requires maturity, honesty and a willingness to change from both parties. Above all it requires there to be some fundamental affection, respect or love for each other. Without that, there's very little point trying.

It is so hard, I do still love him and I used to think we were compatible, but so much trust and respect has been lost now. I find him very stressful to live with, it is very difficult to rely on him for anything and with work, small children, I just feel like he is an added stress. But then the alternative, and the thought of the kids growing up without him here, seems so awful.

What's 'awful' (and I speak from experience) is for a child to grow up with two parents that they love but who clearly don't get along with each other. It's the saddest thing imaginable because children want their parents to be happy.... and when they can't make that happen, they feel responsible.

Happy parents living apart but spending plenty of time with the children, giving them all their attention, not bickering and sniping at each other over the cornflakes and ignoring the children in the process..... is a lot better.

You only get one life and they only get one childhood.

Thanks for you help.