Bloody family.

[PackItInNow]

My beloved MIL passed away last night in her sleep peacefully and I'm so glad we were there to hold her hands while she slipped away. The Drs and nurses on the ward were absolutely fantastic with the care they gave her and were outstanding when they asked us to give them the number of the funeral director so they could have the body collected and the funeral plan started. All in all they have been fab in their care to MIL and comfort to us on our loss.

Now the point in hand and the one we are angry about. My family were told that MIL was dying of pancreatic cancer, what ward she was in and the visiting timeswere to the ward. The last time any of them spoke to us was on the 16th July. Since then, not one member of my family has had the decency to even phone or text us to ask about how she was (never mind visiting) nor ask about how our kids are coping (forget about us, we're big and ugly enough to look after ourselves LOL).

I'm looking for some reasoning because I feel that they didn't have enough respect for MIL and so I want to exclude my family from the funeral. When MIL was lucid and could speak with some clarity, she told me that if my family didn't ring us to ask about how the kids were, then we were to not tell them about her death or the funeral and cremation until it was all over. The thing is, if I tell my family after everything is over, I'll get it in the neck big style, from them.

I'm torn between causing a rift in my family and seeing that my MIL's final wishes are carried through, right down to the last full stop. BTW my MIL was the best mother-figure I had for 9 lovely years as opposed to the disinterested mum I've had for the last 34 years.

What would you good ladies do in this situation?

That was meant to be "what the visiting time were to the ward". Apologies for the slip ups, I've had 2hrs sleep last night due to thinking about this.

Sorry for your loss.

I'd try to follow MILs wishes & deal with the fallout from your family later. She's obviously the person who meant more to you than your own family. If your family do find out about the funeral beforehand it will be difficult to prevent them going though.

If they do give you a hard time just say that they were so uninterested before she died that you didn't think they'd be interested afterwards. Easier said than done though I know.

Hope you & your family get through this painful time as easily as possible.

I'm so sorry for your loss- how wonderful to have had such a lovely MIL.

I think maybe, when she said your family weren't to know about the funeral etc., she was angry for you, and wanted to cause your family upset in the way they have upset you - by keeping them at a distance and not communicating. Maybe she didn't appreciate the repercussions if you were to carry out her wishes.

I can't imagine she would want to cause you to get it in the neck though, so I think a compromise might be in order. Could you send a brief email to someone in your family, saying MIL has passed away but the funeral etc is to be her family only, as per her wishes. They might not actually want to go anyway - why would they? They have shown no interest in her or you.

So a white lie to make it easier for you - I think your lovely MIL would understand.

I think you need to think hard about how you will cope with any repurcussions if you carry out your MIL's wishes and then see how you feel about it all.

Sorry for your loss. I don't know... I would be careful about any action which could cause long term ructions with your own family... these are pivotal times in our lives and for the most part the ceremonies around death help us to heal. It would be hard on your family not to be told and to deny them an opportunity to give comfort and say their own goodbyes. Perhaps they genuinely hadn't realised that your MiL was so ill....

....and you are very tired and in shock still. Things may seem a bit clearer in a day or two.

*some families deal with death and loss in ways which are very hard to understand. My own family have caused a few raised eyebrows in their time.

Hiya, so sorry to hear about your MIL passing, hope she is doing ok wherever she is.

But I wouldn't 'not tell' your family. That will only add stress to what is already a sad situation. Yes they didn't show up to say goodbye to her, and yes they may not show up to the funeral.

But one does the right thing for oneself in life, not always for others. Let them know the date of the funeral, tick it off as job done, and then get on with yours and your husband's family all saying goodbye to their Mummy. xx

i'm so sorry for your loss - i'm glad for you though that you had a decent mother figure around for those years.

personally i think you should do whatever you and your partner want to do. it is the living who deal with consequences and are bothered by what happens in the aftermath of a death. i agree with whoever said that your MIL was probably feeling angry for you and speaking from that place rather than one of really thinking through the consequences for you.

also do what is right for the children - will they go to the funeral? if so would they find it easier with your parents around? would they be confused by them not being there? etc.

i'm sure in reality your MIL would want you to do whatever was best for yourselves and your children.

try not to loose too much peace over this - i think sometimes we can avoid difficult feelings like grief by focussing on anger or the wrongs of other people itms.

damnit i meant 'lose'. sorry couldn't let that loose pass unchecked.

I'm really sorry you've lost your lovely MIL. It's always good to hear about a good one on here!

Frankly, I would say that if they were told she was dying, the ward number, etc and they haven't been in touch, I wouldn't get in touch with them now.

If they phone between now and the funeral and if they ask about your MIL, then you should say she's sadly passed away. If they ask about the funeral, you should then say that it's for her family own, as that's what she'd requested.

If they don't phone, don't phone them. If they do phone, don't volunteer any information.

Many thanks for the replies ladies. I'm not in shock, I'm very clear headed and just relieved that MIL is at peace now.

I am angry that my family were so disrespectful to MIL. My own mum was always saying that MIL was forever whinging about stuff, when in fact MIL was having a small moan about her back/knees etc. Kind of a 5 second moan and get on with things.

Believe me, my family knew MIL was dying and didn't have long because I told them that MIL is going to the GP Ward in another nearby town and she will be there until the end. They knew that the pancreatic cancer was end stage, yet they chose not to ask about her, or our kids and how they were dealing with it. They were also told that we were taking it day by day, not week by week or month by month, so it doesn't take a bloody genius to realise that MIL was on her way out.

I did tell them that I don't expect MIL to last more that 3 weeks at the most from the day she went in, and I said that because of the amount of people I have seen pass away, when working as a Care Assistant in nursing homes. So you could say I have some tell-tale signs I look out for. I asked DH what MIL's legs were like and he told me they had a mottled look and were cold. I told him to keep an eye on the legs and see if the mottled look creeps up the legs. By the time he left, he looked again and the mottled look was just below her knees. It was just covering her feet when he arrived to see her. I told him that she'll probably be gone by midnight. MIL passed away at 11.33 last night, just over 2 weeks after she went in to the ward. My family were nowhere to be seen. Not a "how are you", nor a "Kiss me arse". Nothing.

I'm so glad that the care staff were fantastic in their care for her. They kept her clean, comfortable, pain free and dignified. That's all anyone could ask from the staff and I feel that they went above and beyond their dutuies.

I simply feel very angry that 'my family' had so little respect for a good woman, and that they CBA to even ask how she was.

Yes MIL was angry, but she had every right to be angry with 'my family'. They promised that we'd got to different places and mum would look after the kids once a week guaranteed, but when we moved to be closer to more support, BIL told us that my mum told us all that so we would move over with the kids. My mum and family have rarely bothered since we moved 350 miles to be close to them. I get the feeling that if we moved without telling them, they wouldn't notice until they had to ring us about something serious happening in the family (Dad dying etc). Even then, they'd only contact me because of duty rather than wanting to.

Apologies for the rant ladies and thanks again for yourreplies, as you can tell my family are doing me head in . TBH, I'd still be saying the same thing even if we hadn't lost MIL.

Feck sake, would help if I could spell . That was meant to be "they went above and beyond their duties".

Sorry your family has let you down. I can see why you are upset - I would be too.

It sounds like you have been a wonderful DiL and that your MiL loved you very much.

I would suggest forgetting about this for today and focus on those who are around you at the moment and on getting some rest.

All the best x

I'm fine TBH. I've been thinking about things and I've come to the conclusion that 'my family' are not welcome at my house again. DH is so angry with them and thinks they're a waste of time.

I'm just trtying to make sense of why they haven't been in contact. Saying that, I do most of the visiting and contacting (apart from BIL), so I guess they're waiting for me to tell them. They can go jump, I mean how hard is it to pick up the phone and ask me to ring them back so they keep their phone bills low. Since I have free calls to any landline in the UK for up to 1hr, I don't see how they don't have the time. I'm sure they have a few free minutes to spare, say, in the evenings when the kids are in bed, besides, I don't believe for one minute that they are so busy that they're working from the get up until they go to bed.

I've spoken to DH about the announcement in the local paper and we've both agreed that our good friends were more like family to us than my family, so there'll be no announcement in the paper. We don't want my side turning up thinking they have the right to be there, when they didn't give enough of a toos to even ask how she was.

That was meant to be toss. Fingers are going faster than brain LOL.

So sorry you have lost someone so beloved.

I think you have to honour your MIL's last wish.

After it's all over and your delightful family are giving you a hard time tell them:

"This is what MIL said she wanted - we felt we should honour that. It would have been better if you'd come to see her/shown some concern when she was actually alive instead of whinging now that you have been excluded."

Sorry for your loss.

The only thing that puzzles me a bit though, you say "your" family, so I assume that means your side, not your husbands. In which case, they are not really any relative to your MIL anyway, and unless they were close friends, I wouldnt expect them to attend the funeral.

Forget about it until they contact you, and if they don't get in touch you could tell them the news a dayu or two before the funeral. If they ask about coming say you hadn't realised that they had wanted to come because they hadn't been in touch, and if they persist let them know that husband's family would prefer it to be close family only... That will also leave a small opening for an apology of there really has been a misunderstanding

If you normally do all the contacting it may be that your family is waiting for you to call as you normally would, not realising that this has become an issue...

Don't let this (justified) gripe with your family be blown out of proportion - if they find out you deliberately excluded them it could end up being a lifelong feud.

Sorry for your loss but I'm glad you were there at the end. I would hold to your MIL's wish. She sounds like a woman who had the measure of your family.

Yes Squeaky my family means the parents and sibling from my side. The thing is, they're always expecting me to contact them and never contact me except on the extremely rare occasion.

If I wasn't to ring my siblings or parents, we could go for a good 6-9 moths or so before anyone contacts us to see why we hadn't rung/visited them. I'd also get it in the neck from them and mum.

Another thing is that the last 3 times dad was in hospital, my mum deliberately didn't tell me that my dad was admitted.

The 1st time I found out after he'd got out.

The 2nd time I bumped into my eldest brother who told me about dad being in hospital as I was going to my college class and he was heading to his office (he works as head of dept at the same college).

The 3rd time BIL (eldest brother's civil DP) rang me about DH's uncle trying to get in touch with us about MIL and BIL asked if I was going to visit dad. I asked him if dad was in hospital again and he said "did no-one tell you"? I told him that it wasn't the 1st and won't be the last time I wasn't told anything.

So that's what my family is like.

Sue52 MIL was a very good judge of character. She didn't like the way my mum and siblings treated me, and stupidly, I defended my family by issuing some excuse for their behaviour. Now I'm seeing what MIL was talking about.

Packitinnow I'm so sorry your family is like this with you. It's at times like this that family troubles hit you the hardest.

I am sorry for your loss, but don't get the problem. Either you are close to your family or you are not. If you are not, why would they care? And why would you? You seem to be making an unnecessary drama out of this.

The Op has just lost someone she loves and her family are upsetting her at a difficult time. Don't think she's making a drama at all. Just upset and hurt, understandably so.