Advice for telling someone something they don't want to hear and ignores it but still goes on and on about the same bloody thing?

[CrapBag]

I know I know, its a MIL one but she is doing my nut in. (I am not actually going to phone her btw but I would love to).

Last year SFIL walked out on MIL. I think things had been coming to a head for a while, although it was out of the blue for us. He has a long term, horrible illness and she just didn't seem bothered and wanted to carry on her perfect little life without the inconvenience of SFILs illness. I don't really blame him for leaving.

MIL is very upset. At first I was sympathetic, as was DH. Now it has been a year and we are both getting fed up.

Basically, SFIL keeps messing her around. He tells her he wants a divorce, the house sold etc but now and again he gets in touch with her, goes and visits and they go out for the day then he blows her off again so we get the phone calls and texts about how upset she is etc. At first we sympathised but this has been a YEAR and it is still going around in the same circles. Everytime he goes around there, she welcomes him, then he messes her around again. We have told her that he is going to keep doing it if she lets him but she just doesn't listen and carries on doing it then we have to put up with the fall out. SIL doesn't even want to hear it from MIL anymore.

Apparently SFIL tried to commit suicide recently. I know he has had a really tough time coming to terms with his illness but I have no idea what is going on with him. He tells MIL to leave him alone, then her ends up going back to see her. He told her before that "the love was gone" which is something that MIL keeps asking what this means (sounds obvious to me but you honestly can't tell her).

The latest is MIL went to see SFIL at his flat and his DD was there. Words were had and MIL ended up pulling SFIL's DDs hair ffs. This woman is nearly 60. The police were called and MIL got a warning then she was showing the bloody police the texts from SFIL saying he wanted to meet up etc. As far as I can gather, he has spent the odd night with her too.

I am getting fed up and with this lastest thing involving the police, it is just getting more and more ridiculous. She never liked SFILs children anyway and this was always an issue between them as he wanted to spend a bit more time with them but she wasn't happy about it.

DH is getting fed up, SIL got fed up a long time ago. MIL does not listen and plays the "oh you're being mean" if she gets told the truth that she doesn't want to hear.

Does anyone have any advice on how we can deal with her or advise her in a way that she may actually listen (there maybe some sort of miracle words we haven't tried)?

Use the parrot technique. Tell her once. Then, if she goes on, y say "what did I suggest last time? And did you do that? So why do you think I will have any other advice?"

She won't listen but she might shut up.

I have an old friend like this but its been going on for 4 bloody years!

Of course I was sympathetic and supportive but now it gets on my nerves.

I've told her she either ends the situation or stop moaning about it.

It hasn't stopped her though. I just change the subject.

I feel sorry for her. If only she could talk tk a professional to change. Self esteem must be awfully low.

I agree with Artex. It sounds like SFIL is torturing her and enjoying it. He reels her in and throws her back and she falls for it because she loves him. I would be getting DH to have a word with him to tell him to get lost. Other than that I would just let MIL whinge but stop the advice, she clearly doesn't want to hear it. Let her say what she has to say about SFIL nod, move on.

Tell her to go on emotional abuse thread!

We can't get in touch with SFIL, don't have his address or mobile number. MIL would probably have a fit and say we had ruined her chances or something like that.

I do wonder if you would feel sorry for her if you had listened to it for the last year and no matter how many times you told her that he is using her/has no intention of coming back and that she needs to stop seeing him, she just would listen and spout the same stuff all the time. We were sympathetic, I encouraged DH to go around there but when it was for things like help with simple bills that DH had already explained to her twice before, you do begin to run out of patience with someone.

I don't think he is enjoying torturing her. He has issues, dignosed with a long term and horrible illness and MIL seems to want to ignore it and carry on because it is an inconvenience to her life to change it to suit SFIL.

I honestly have no idea why he is doing what he is doing. I wish I could ask him but I have no way of contacting him. I wish he would just leave her alone and she could move on, but when he does do that she constantly contacts him and badgers him. I do wonder if he is giving in to that then realises again that he does want to leave her and the cycle starts again.

MIL is very much all about her her her and no one else.

DH just lets her talk and doesn't really listen anymore but thats not the answer really.