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Original poster

Is he rude or am I oversensitive?

26 replies

OleaAndMarge · 04/08/2012 10:01

I've been on a few dates with a new bloke, we both work in a similar industry but his hours can be quite late and due to the nature of the business, the days can also be horrendously long. I am currently in-between jobs but am well aware of the pressures that such jobs can bring (sorry to be obtuse but I don't want to out myself!)

He is very nice, very sweet and we get on well. However, something I've noticed and something that is grating on me slightly is his relatively constant put-downs as to what I'm doing. If I've got a day off, I'm being "lazy", if I see my friends on an evening off he comments on how I'm not working - too bloody right as I've had a week of work! It's getting quite irritating and I really don't know how to respond to the comments as I don't think he realises how rude he's being by implying I laze around all day (I don't), or that I don't work as hard as he does (I do!). I can feel my defences going up when he makes comments like that. As I am quite well spoken, I have worked really hard to overcome those sort of assumptions that I sit on my arse all day, and am actually quite successful in my chosen field!

We have only had 3 dates and apart from the jibes about me doing nothing, things are going well. Am I just being over sensitive, or should I raise this as an issue? And more importantly, how? Do I just let the little jokes slide? I'm wary of being too forward about that sort of thing. Any advice?

OP posts:
BrevilleTron · 04/08/2012 10:05

He's rude.

DawnOfTheDee · 04/08/2012 10:07

Rude.

Schlock · 04/08/2012 10:07

Dump the fucker Grin

MooncupGoddess · 04/08/2012 10:08

Knob alert.

Leverette · 04/08/2012 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

yellowraincoat · 04/08/2012 10:10

Rude and one of those people who just wants to work and will make your life a living hell of waiting around for him not to be working.

Avoid.

EveryPicture · 04/08/2012 10:10

I'd have to raise it as an issue. Tell him you don't like his comments and what exactly gives him the right to call you lazy? You sound like you are trying to have a work/life balance as much as you can. How can that be bad?

I wouldn't let it slide. If it's getting quite irritating at this point in the relationship, it's unlikely to improve you discuss it and he changes.

Proudnscary · 04/08/2012 10:11

If I've learned anything in life it's to a) trust your instincts b) understand that a partner's habits/weaknesses are NOT going to change over time - they will probably get worse. If this is niggling and upsetting you now, it will continue to do so and get worse.

These comments are at best a sign of arrogance or self pity ('poor me I work sooo hard/I must let everyone know what a superhero I am') and at worse the sign of a controlling/belittling man (finding excuses to have digs at you for going out with your friends, putting you down and keeping you in your place).

Anyway, whatever it's all about, it's really bugging you and it's early days so what's the point of carrying on?

JennerOSity · 04/08/2012 10:11

Very rude indeed. He does not know enough about your whole life to be in a position to judge and neither has he earned the right to do so! Even if you took a month off to watch the olympics with your feet up, for all he knows you have fully earned that and can financially support it so his comments are utterly rubbish.

If he feel entitled to make derogatory comments like this after 3 dates it isn't going to get any better, I'd step away while you can.

EveryPicture · 04/08/2012 10:12

Oh, and the first thing I was thinking of writing is like all the others said up thread.

He's a knob. Bin, before it gets worse. Red flag.

JennerOSity · 04/08/2012 10:14

Raise it as an issue! Crikey, if you have to haggle out ishoos this early on it is hardly worth it is it. You could just drive the behaviour underground until you are too deeply entangled to easily extract yourself later.

Most people are still putting their best foot forward at this stage in the game - if this is his best foot.... Hmm

shockers · 04/08/2012 10:17

Do you think that he's nervous and trying to be a bit light hearted, or do you think he actually imagines you're being lazy?

The first could be dealt with, but the second could be a sacking offence!

LaurieFairyCake · 04/08/2012 10:23

Try lightheartedly jibing back first maybe?

Him: 'oh you're so lazy sitting round all day"

You: 'yes, it's great to get to that stage in your career when you don't have to work at total capacity - maybe it will happen for you one day"

Then see what he says. You're then telling him that you're happy with who you are and also saying that's it's desirable to be happy the way you are.

His response should tell you whether to get rid or not. If he's just clumsily wittering on he will backtrack

Original poster
OleaAndMarge · 04/08/2012 10:25

I think it's light hearted banter, I am quite feisty and like a joke and a laugh, but this is just something that's really grated on my nerves...

OP posts:
JennerOSity · 04/08/2012 10:28

ah yes the old nit-pick-undermining-unfavourable-comparisons wrapped up as humorous banter routine. Tedious Hilarious. Hmm

DamnDeDoubtance · 04/08/2012 10:29

Very rude. Pull him up on it, ask if he is being intentionally rude when he questions your work ethic.

CogitoErgOlympics · 04/08/2012 10:50

Definitely rude. He'll probably try to claim it's banter but you nip it in the bud with phrases like 'well I don't think it's funny at all and I'm really offended'. Boyfriends are meant to be on best behaviour in the early days and trying to impress you. 'Banter' is only for when everyone knows each other's boundaries.

izzyizin · 04/08/2012 11:29

I pity the poor woman who marries this twat and dares to take maternity leave or work from home...

Head for the hills, honey - this guy's only fit for dumping.

geegee888 · 04/08/2012 11:39

Sounds like he is trying to make himself out to be superior to you. He might be one of those men who always has to feel that he works harder/has a more important job/is more intelligent than the woman in his life to make himself feel good.

Either that or he's looking to be a kept man at some point in the future!

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 04/08/2012 11:47

Twat. Rude twat. Controlling, bullying rude twat. Dump and run, for sake of your sanity.

jadebond007 · 04/08/2012 13:50

Rude. He's projecting his own issues onto you. Tell him to lighten up and if he doesn't, get rid

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2012 17:04

He's awful, really awful. So you can't enjoy your free time? You are financially independent and do a good job and he thinks he can criticise you for seeing your friends or going out for the day.

He's a first class knob, OP. You need to get rid of him.

RSVPentathlon · 04/08/2012 18:55

Three dates and you already have to be defensive/apologetic about your lifestyle? Hmm
Rude me thinks

HecateHarshPants · 04/08/2012 18:56

He's rude. 3 dates and he's already putting you down?

I wouldn't be giving him a 4th date!

Dottydooda · 04/08/2012 19:06

I think people's reactions are quite strong!

My thoughts were that it could be nerves and trying to be funny to impress at this early stage?

If you think this might be what it is, I'd be straight and raise it now as annoying then see how he deals with the 'feedback'. His reaction may help you work out whether you should continue on. You're hardly about to walk down the aisle, plenty of time to suss things out.