Can any help me on this

[riamay2011]

My oh goes out every Friday as its always back later than promised and pissed. Some nights it has even 4.30am, we have 2 DC under 1....
Well last night he went out promised he would be back for 8.30 and we could have dinner and snuggle. He rolls in at 10.30 dinner ruined. I was upset and angry asked him why he does this to me each time, his response was a massive argument. Callin me a skank, slag u name it he called it. He said he didn't love me and didn't want to be with me whether or not this was the drink talking I dont know so I asked him to go. I then chased him out and begged him to come back. Why am I so desperate for this man when he treats me like this? He said I have to put up with him or go we were due to marry next year he said hea never marrying me, I'm left this morning Hurt and angry I can't look him in the face. He said some real hurtful things last night. Am I in the wrong for being pissed off he was late again?

I have not experienced what you are going through Sweetie, but you are absolutely right to know that it is wrong!

Nobody has the right to abuse another person - either verbally, emotionally or physically. Your partner is displaying disrespect for you when he does not come home on time. Hey - they can all make mistakes - but your partner seems to forget you and the DCs exist once he steps over the threshhold.

Why are you so desperate? Because you don't value yourself. I suspect that you feel that you cannot exist without your partner. But you can.

Now, please stay on this thread until some of the wise women wake up. They will be able to advise you better than I can.

You're not wrong. His behaviour is appalling. A grown man should be mature and responsible enough to enjoy a night out & get home at a reasonable time in a reasonable state. He's not only an irresponsible drunk, he's also aggressive & abusive and has no respect for you whatsoever. That's unacceptable.

You don't have to 'put up' with anything and you certainly shouldn't marry this man. If this is how he behaves without a ring on your finger, just imagine how horrible he's going to treat you once he thinks you're trapped for life. Doesn't bear thinking about.

Maybe you begged him back because you fear life as a single person. Maybe you think 'better the devil you know'? What is definitely true is that he is abusive and he's got you very confused.

Talk to friends and family about what's going on because you need support and reassurance that his behaviour is not acceptable. Then think about getting rid. Your children shouldn't have this man as a role model and you deserve better.

You are not wrong.he sounds like a nasty piece of work..alcohol no excuse.and you have two babies! He has not accepted being a father or a supportive partner with all with that behaviour, has he?

Thanks ladies he's woke up this morning and not said a word to me. Should I make the first move? If so what do I say do I act normal? I feel so Down at the min

Ignore him, take your kids out somewhere nice for the day or go to family/ friends. On no account make the first move. If he does not make a grovelling apology and mend his ways, start planning a swift exit.

I would not ignore him. While he's got a thick head and can still remember last night I would sit the man down and tell him you're not prepared to live this way any more and you don't want your kids growing up with an abusive drunk. If you want to save yourself a lot of wasted time and/or he kicks off again, tell him to pack his bags straight away. If he's full of remorse and you'd still like to make a go of it, tell him that if he wants any kind of future with you he has to show you some respect, consideration, change his ways etc.. When he does it again (which I'm certain he will, unfortunately) that's it, game over. Then take the children out and do something nice for the day.

It's line in the sand time and you'll have to be strong and follow through if you don't want to be a doormat.

No no nooo!!!!! Don't speak to him unless he says he's sorry.

Then ask if he knows what he did.

Then ask if he can imagine how it made you feel.

Then announce that you are going out for the day with DC (could you go to Mum's, or a close friend?) and will be back later, say 5.

Then turn up at 7, put the kids to bed, and make yourself some beans on toast. He can bloody well cook for himself.

If he doesn't say sorry, then begin with going out for the day.

If you approach him first and get upset, he'll either feel more trapped than he already does (jeez, don't we all sometimes??), or at the very least it'll give him the power to hurt you again.

Confide in close friends and family. You've done nothing wrong, he's an idiot for treating you that way. xx

Agree with Cogito, definitely time to be strong!! Don't let him make you beg or cry ever again! H needs to know you don't need him and he will never get away with this agin.

op...im so sorry to hear this, how abusive of your husband. try and raise this with him again when you are both calm. agree on next actions and give him another chance to redeem himself. if he doesnt the next time - go all hell out and do what i did by ringing up his mates and family by telling them to bring the bastard home/scream what a shit son they have. yes i left mesages on every single address contact he had. oh and it f^cking worked.

"If you approach him first and get upset, he'll either feel more trapped than he already does (jeez, don't we all sometimes??), or at the very least it'll give him the power to hurt you again."

He feels trapped? Wtf? So this delicate flower is only driven being a drunken bully because he has no freedom? The OP should shut up and say nothing for fear of upsetting him? And that's OK is it?....

Like all cowards, he's OK being the big man when he's got a drink inside him, frightening the woman he's supposed to love with threats and abuse. Cold light of day when he's feeling a bit shitty with a hangover is precisely the right time to take him to task.

I've just left him in bed and bought the kids down and done the breakfasts. I feel emotionally drained. I don't understand the trapped comment. If anyone should feel trapped it's me. He goes out every Friday and I haven't been out in 3 years. I'm only 24 and have no life I never see my friends as there is always some issue with them through him. If he takes me out hes constantly texting his friends/brother and I feel I get no time alone with him. I look after our babies single handed and get up through the night with them. One is 14 months and the other 4 months I feel I never have any time to myself and he never helps with feeds, bath time etc. I'm gutted about our wedding as it meant the world to my nan who isn't very well so u know.....
I have no one to go to today all his family would take his side (Indian family very close and a bit funny with me at the min can make me feel very unwelcome) and I'm not very close with my family and I have no friends as mentioned before. So if any one Is trapped it's me. I have no one apart from him and my girls.

Then go for it. There's an anti-drinking programme that is happening in some police forces at the moment. What they find is that 'the morning after the night before', when someone has spent the night in a police cell and wakes up feeling dog rough, ashamed of themselves etc. is the best time to send in the counsellors and get them to see how crap their life is.

You're not this horrible man's counsellor.... but you can take advantage of this window of opportunity to say 'enough' and get him out of the door. He clearly doesn't care about you or your children, doesn't take you out, is lazy around the home and tops it off with drunken bullying behaviour. His family don't like you any more than he does. You're 24, don't waste your life waiting for him to change.

If your grandmother loves you, I'm sure she'd want you to be happy, not manacled to a drunk with wedding ring. Womens Aid are on 0808 2000 247