I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing

[TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles]

First of all some background here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1315187-I-just-cant-decide-what-to-do?pg=1
And this is an update ...
I'm still struggling so much with all this. I wasn't happy back in the family home, it felt very wrong without H. We went 'no contact' and I have tried my best not to think/worry about what he's doing, and have succeeded mostly in doing that. However the emptiness is almost unbearable, he was my best friend and now there's just no-one 'there'. No-one to talk to/hug/for sex/laugh/comiserate with/weep on/go out with/stay in with ... It got to the point where I was phoning the Samaritans a couple of times a week. I decided to move back out to be somewhere where I wasn't being constantly reminded of his absence. My DS1 and his gf have moved back 'home' to keep an eye on DS2 (who's now 17). DD2 is there until September, DD1 moved out ages ago, so no worried on DCs (they are having a great time!). I've been in my flat for a week and a half now, I think it feels better, but this huge gap in my life just won't go away. I haven't slept properly in months, I can't concentrate properly at work, I just feel so alone. I'm thinking that being with my H is better than this, I'm just not 'built' to be on my own.

Can I hold your hand?

You are grieving Sweetie. And grief is such a powerful, overwhelming emotion. It doesn't take prisoners.

You will have to deal with grief in bite-size chunks - you can't swallow a whole elephant!

Have you spoken to your GP? You will qualify for counselling (and don't be frightened if the GP offers you some ADs).

Have you taken some memorabilia with you to the flat? Some family photographs, a 'throw' for the sofa, lots of cushions? Put the photos on the wall. Find a vase and put some silk flowers in. Start to build your 'new home'. (Ask on here if you need stuff.....)

Think about the things you couldn't do before - but now you can because you have only yourself to answer to.

It is okay to curl up under the duvet for a little while - that is healing time. But you can't stay there forever. Your new life is waiting to start - but take it softly and carefully. Do it at a gentle pace.

You will get there.

Thank you SW. Yes I have been to GP, he suggested trying more exercise/getting out etc. I'm trying to do that. I have seen a counsellor a few times, but it's so painful just digging it all up again. I miss him so much.

Other half Drinks till he drops two-three times a week
I can't stand to be near Him like that.
I want to move nearer old house,he & kids want to stay.
I feel like I can't cope living without Him, living here.
Anyone else had this problem?

Oops been awake along time
Should have started a new thread

"I'm just not 'built' to be on my own."

You're not used to it, that's all. When you've built a life around 'us' it's a tough transition to 'me'. Couple life and single life are chalk and cheese because singles don't have instant companions, we have to find them. You may also have found that some of your couple friends fall by the wayside or decide they were your exH's friends rather than yours.

It sounds a bit 'Dear Deirdre' but this is when you have to make a special effort to engage with others and get yourself out there. Night-school courses, voluntary work, travel, activities, book clubs, etc. Invite people to your home and they'll invite you back. You won't get it right first time (shudders at memory of a very dull pottery class!) but eventually you'll get a new circle of friends that are just yours and have nothing to do with your old life.
That, in turn, will boost your confidence.

Good luck

This might sound daft but would getting a pet help? Something soft and cuddly that needs you and your attention? So you have another focus. I can understand the reluctance to be your own (I haven't been single for 25 years - serial relationships ) and I know I wouldn't cope well with it either, but I think it would be nice to have something there welcoming you home at the end of the day.

Cogito - thanks, I have been doing an evening class for the past year, and I took myself on holiday a couple of months ago. The problem is that it just seem to emphasise my 'aloneness'. I had a good holiday, but there was no-one to share the things I saw with, I had to eat out on my own.
And thanks lazarusb, no it doesn't sound daft, but I can barely look after myself let alone anything else. Each weekend seems to be worse than the previous one. I thought I would be ok this w/e, I'm having all the DCs round to dinner tonight, I thought it would give me something to focus on, but I've really had to force myself not to cancel. The only reason I haven't is that I know my DD1 would insist on coming anyway. And I used to cook for 6 regularly, nearly every day :(
I'm sorry to sound so negative, I started off reasonably positive that this was the right thing to do and that I would get out there and meet people, but it's just not happening. My evening class people are friendly, but they all just disappear off home after class. I have been out on my own to watch live music a few times, no-one has ever struck up a conversation with me and the couple of times I've tried to initiate this (which I find extremely difficult) I've just been given the brush off.
This is really destroying me and I don't know how much more I can take, getting through each day is becoming more and more difficult.

I think you need to go back to your GP. You sound like you are depressed and, while exercise etc is recommend, sometimes we need a little help to lift us out of the fog before we can even think about doing that. I'm sorry you've had such negative experiences while out & about. Maybe it's as much about 'learning' a new behaviour rather than 'just' getting over the old one. Ring the samaritans if you get really down, they are great and won't complain if you ring a lot!