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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sad and shocked

16 replies

Algymetabear · 04/08/2012 00:22

My husband had an affair, we worked very hard to get things back on track with counselling. Things had been going well until he discovered he had contracted genital warts from her. This has completely thrown me off balance, all the horrible memories have come flooding back. He doesn't see how things have changed though, he thinks that as we worked through everything else we should be able to overcome this. I just feel devastated. I feel dirty and I feel weak for allowing him to stay in my life. I just don't know what to do anymore

OP posts:

LordOfThe5Rings · 04/08/2012 00:46

You do not have to put up with anything. You have the right to not find it okay now. He did a big betrayal and should expect extra news of an STI is going to disturb and disgust you. Don't feel obliged to stay for him. If you want to work through it that is fine but it has to be what you want.

Original poster

Algymetabear · 04/08/2012 01:15

I just want my family back in one piece. I suffered terrible depression after I found out, but we did work through it. I just feel disgust at myself, as if I am weak for letting him stay. I feel like this is something I can't talk about in the real world. I feel such shame. I talked about his affair but I really feel like this is so dirty and shameful I wouldn't want anyone to know. I just don't know how to rebuild our relationship, when I feel such disgust.

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Original poster

Algymetabear · 04/08/2012 01:17

It is not so much disgust at the actual warts as I know they are common, it is more that I feel disgust with myself for 'forgiving' this

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Charbon · 04/08/2012 01:28

Did he have unprotected sex then and did you know this?

Did you have STI checks at the time?

When you say you worked through it, what did he alone do, apart from attend couples counselling?

How long ago was this? It's unusual to forgive if it was only a few months ago, so maybe you told yourself you had but that wasn't really true.

It's not your shame at all. That emotion is solely reserved for your husband. You did nothing wrong. He chose to have an affair and you chose to try to forgive, instead of taking a knee-jerk reaction. That's nothing to be ashamed of at all. You should feel proud instead that you tried and that you gave yourself time to make a decision, especially one that was likely to affect so many people.

But it's no shame now to say you can't forgive. If he did nothing more than attend counselling then it's likely that he isn't really sorry and hasn't really understood why he did this.

Original poster

Algymetabear · 04/08/2012 01:47

He used condoms (warts are at base of penis ugh!) and yes he did actually have tests done. But it has been two and a half years and these warts have only just appeared. The doctor said that like any virus they often appear at times of generally being unwell. I did not have any tests done after his came back clear, but will have to now.

He has changed, in that he no longer works away (she was a colleague) and he does loads around the house and with the kids. He also had complete transparency with me, on the recommendation of the counsellor. I thought I was doing so well because I never check his emails/texts etc anymore.

He can't understand why this changes everything, he said the damage was already done, which is true, his affair destroyed everything and has taken such work at rebuilding. I don't know why it feels so raw again. I guess it is just having to still deal with the repercussions after so long.

I know this shame is all his, that is why I was able to talk about it in real life, I know that there was nothing wrong with me or my marriage, it was all his stupid, selfish problem, but I feel like I should not forgive this, it feels like I am selling myself short, because I didn't deserve any of this.

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Charbon · 04/08/2012 02:12

I'm really sorry, but I think you're going to have to consult your own doctor because if infected, warts will show up for the first time no later than 9 months after initial infection. Either your husband has found them before and has ignored them, or the infection happened more recently. However, do check this out with your own doctor or give a sexual health clinic a ring. It's true that condoms don't protect against every sexually transmitted disease, but there are therefore two rare occurrences here; being infected despite the use of a condom AND warts appearing 21 months after most health professionals think is possible.

Original poster

Algymetabear · 04/08/2012 02:26

My response was rather misleading, he noticed red dots soon after, but didn't think they were abnormal red dots. I was the one who finally noticed them. The place they are wouldn't have been covered by a condom

OP posts:

Charbon · 04/08/2012 03:06

Did these dots appear before or after his STI tests?

The clinic would have asked if he'd noticed the appearance of anything and would have probably shown him pictures of what to look for. Did you see written confirmation of his results?

Original poster

Algymetabear · 04/08/2012 03:16

Yes, I saw the results, although he was only tested with urine for chlamydia (i thought that was more invasive...?) and gonorrhoea. Bloods were taken for HIV and syphilis (?)
He noticed them after the tests, They probably did say something, but he was totally in denial about everything anyway. I have screamed and screamed at him over the fact that he took risks with my health.
I am sure his denial and obvious embarrassment hasn't helped me with this bombshell

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sadwidow28 · 04/08/2012 03:20

It is not so much disgust at the actual warts as I know they are common, it is more that I feel disgust with myself for 'forgiving' this

That is one of your earlier (more immediate) posts.

To feel that you made a mistake in accepting the betrayal is okay, It suggests that you never truly forgave. To forgive is one thing - to forget is almost impossible.

So do you want to work on the relationship - or is it truly dead now?

I suspect that it is 'dead', and you cannot forgive nor forget.

Original poster

Algymetabear · 04/08/2012 03:24

I honestly don't know. I have got on with life so well after nearly having what I can only really think of as a breakdown. I got a new job, got fit and stopped drinking, i feel great and we get on really really well again. I think it is more that I feel weak for having 'forgiven' him, like I should never have been treated that way in the first place and I never thought I was the type of person to put up with that kind of shit

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dondon33 · 04/08/2012 03:43

You're not weak for forgiving him, it took strength and courage to do so and you obviously wanted to at that time.
You're 100% right...you should never have been treated that way.
Your feelings now are because it's all been brought back to you by the warts appearing, you're not wrong for feeling this way, it must feel like there's no escape from what he done.
You need to deal with how you feel once you are over the shock of this, stop blaming yourself for taking him back, you done what you thought was best AT THAT TIME.... you don't have to still feel the same way, you're entitled to end it now, he done wrong and the fall out continues.
xx

sadwidow28 · 04/08/2012 03:57

Algy, can you tell us the sort of date/timeline from discovery of affair to discovery of warts?

Something like this:

Affair discovered
Tests done (all clear0
Working well together
discovery of genital warts

Original poster

Algymetabear · 04/08/2012 04:41

He took a while to get the tests, (he took even longer to get back in my bed), I discovered the affair two and a half years ago and fell apart until I got my new job about a year ago. We had only just started to sleep together again, so he must have noticed the warts, he had them frozen off today. I hope it was humiliating and painful.

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dondon33 · 04/08/2012 14:30

he had them frozen off today. I hope it was humiliating and painful
Algy although they are gone from sight, unfortunately it's possibly not the end of them.

A friend of mine got them from her cheating arsehole now ex husband and the GP told her that while the majority of people can completely eradicate the HPV virus from their bodies, there are some who won't, so the virus stays and re activates when it want's to.
You both need to be vigilant especially as there's some serious health risks linked.
Again, so sorry you're going through this. xx

Original poster

Algymetabear · 04/08/2012 16:00

I don't think I will ever want to sleep with him again, which is a problem if we really do want to mend our relationship. I just want my family back in one piece. I didn't want any of this, I still love him, or rather, I love who he was and what we had.

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