DH hates DM- how would you feel?

[shapoopio]

My DH hates my DM. He says she hates him. I don't think it's the case. He says she undermines him as a father. I have seen no evidence. He barely tolerates her and hardly speaks to her. It creates an atmosphere and I dislike it intensely. She lives a while away so he doesn't see her much.

On the other side, I am very good to his parents. I entertain them regularly, make them lunch, bite my tongue and say nothing when they visit for six hours and don't lift a finger apart from pissing off DC and boring me to tears. I think being polite is important. So I say nothing and smile.

DH doesn't bother hiding his feelings. He's even made DM cry before with his coldness.

I wonder if I can continue this relationship if he has such negative feelings towards my DM. Otherwise he's alright. A bit lazy and passive aggressive but not the worst.

Just a WWYD?

Thanks everyone for the support. I am going to set things in motion. This has been a long time coming.

Though my thanks don't include Kallisti. though you do have my pity as not only are you awake in the early hours, you must fill the void by being vile on the Internet. Life must be lonely.

I've never posted before but am really sad about the situation at home. My DH used to get along so well with my DM until my DS was born 5 years ago. Suddenly, DH became resentful of my DM , saying that she tries to interfere and feels she has a say in how our son is raised, is manipulative and plays on my emotions. DM helps with childcare as we both work full time so she was looking after DS 3 days per week at our house and now he is at school, she does the school run and collects him 3 times per week. I understand that this might be too much for DH as he feels that he lacks privacy in our house and she is there too much but she has done us a massive favour over the years looking after DS ( at our mutual request)and so of course she is close to DS . DH gets upset if she makes any small comment or suggestion regarding our son ( which is rare, she never imposes her view) and I try to tell him that most grandparents do make comments now and again. if you don't like it just ignore it, don't get upset. She does not spoil our son but if they have a day out and she buys him a small present, my DH gets upset and says she should ask permission before buying a toy. Recently he became upset as he was telling our son off during diner and my DM said ( "just let the child eat then you can tell him off"), he shouted at her about telling him what to do in his own house and stormed out and he now wants nothing to do with her. The next day he completely ignored her and she was in tears because she felt so uncomfortable. Since then he has literally said "Hi" and "bye" to her. He says he does not like her and has nothing to say to her. If he sees her in public, he will not speak to her and will make an effort to speak to strangers instead. I have told him how much this is upsetting me and every argument we have is usually because of discussions based on his behaviour to my DM ( this is just the latest incident in a string of unpleasant situations over the years). His parents are not alive, we see his siblings very rarely and he never knew his grandparents. I try to tell myself he does not know any better but I am very close to my DM , she is the only close family I have apart from my DH and DS so this rift is really upsetting me. I always thought that when I married someone, they would treat my DM like part of the family but he really makes his dislike known. She is single and DS is her only grandchild so she does dote on him. The worst part is that my DM continues to be so nice to him, cooking meals for him, asking me about his wellbeing, babysitting for us if we have a date night etc. without realising what a di*k he is being. I obviously do not tell her all he says as I don't want to upset her. I feel he is happy to take advantage of her helping with childcare when it suits him but he treats her worse than you would treat a stranger. Is this normal? We've been together for 15 years so I know how stubborn he is, no matter how much I speak to him about this, once he makes up his mind, he does not change. I was raised to treat everyone who comes to your house well and to be polite , speak to them and be civil. he believes it is his house and he does not need to say hello or make any conversation if she is there. It's so awkward and really making me dislike him and affecting our relationship although he does not realise this. I am always so nice to his family and cannot comprehend how someone can behave so disrespectfully to his elder and also someone who has not done anything to him and has only tried to help him whenever he needed it. She has treated him like a son and he just shows such disrespect, it makes me cringe. Just wanted to get some opinions. Apologies for the long post, it's been building up for a while.

Your DH is a twat-rude obnoxious twat,

Your poor DM-- l think she does know he doesn't like her deep doen.

Please start your own thread

Please start a new thread whattodo9. What you said would be a deal breaker for me. Your poor Mum. How would you feel if your daughter's husband treated you like this? It's despicable.

Early red flags:
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/are-you-dating-abuser

I feel sorry for you DM. Even if he didn't like her, he owes you some respect and he should be polite because you do love her. It would be different if you didn't have a good relationship, but you do. His reasons are very silly and I think they are red flags. He should be chuffed that his son is being fired in this manner, that she is spending time and money on him, and that they have such a nice bond. He's jealous. There are many men out there who would respect you and would love to have a DMIL who looks after them as her own son.

He's horrible, truly horrible, the imbalance between you both and how you treat each other's family is astounding; I'd have zero respect for him and the way he is behaving, nasty, nasty.

Has he actually given examples of your DM undermining him?

I'll be honest, this would be a deal breaker with me. My BIL once had my DM in tears and my Dsis gave him a right telling off and was prepared to end the marriage, then he promised he's never do it again and apologised to my DM.

He needs to be courteous, otherwise it's also a lack of respect towards you.

This is indeed a zombie thread folks, reanimated from the MN mists of 2012.