How does a man cut you off from all your family and friends?

[MsLydia]

Obviously it happens over years but how do they do it?

for my friend it was very slowly, drip,drip, drip, first he disliked mum, then a friend, then another relative,drip,drip,drip. This took years, it was always..we're so happy, we don't need anyoneelse. Then we dont need to go out to have fun,drip, drip, drip. Then you dont need to go and see your friends, gentle comments, like she thinks she's better than you. Ignoring family when they come round, so they want to stop visiting, drip, drip. Now he's in his element, he of course he's allowed lots of -time to shag around-hobbies, whilst she stays home, barefoot and pregnant. He keeps telling her,they are the luckiest people in the world as they have each other ! And she thinks she is the luckiest woman in the whole world.......this is very sad, and of course she thinks I am the bitch from hell, because he told her I am. No I'm not I just knew he was a player, and so would alot of other women, thats why he wants her isolated. bastard!

I had a friend years ago who got a boyfriend and then suddenly we never saw her any more - she was always with him. Then they broke up and it turned out that he was violent to her and stopped her from seeing her friends. We all enjoyed having her back in "the group" and breathed a sigh of relief for her lucky escape. Then she got a new boyfriend, who was lovely, and lo and behold we never saw her any more - she was always with him! She married him and they have been happy together for years AFAIK. What I mean to say is that although the first boyfriend was violent, it was not totally down to his behaviour that she stopped seeing her friends . . . she was obviously one of those "drop your mates when you get a boyfriend" types anyway.

I had a particularly abusive ex who mostly used the being grumpy tactic but sensing that stronger stuff was needed he was vile to my very close friends the day they lost their baby. We were asked not to come to the funeral. That was the point at which he showed his true colours and never let me out of his sight from then until I managed to do a midnight flit. Other tactics were making a fuss in restaurants ordering then changing it then complaining and once straight up robbing money off a friend by slight of hand right in front of me.

flyooverthehill maybe she is going from one controlling relationship to the next, you just don't know the inside story about the current one yet?

I had a friend who I'ld help escape from very violent boyfriends only for her to repeat the pattern again until I couldn't do it any more, but whenever she was with a new one, or back with an old one, she'ld make a point of trying to make me believe that this time she was REALLY happy because she knew I was one of the few aware of the history.. she'ld keep this up till I'ld get a phone call from her to say that she was locked in the bathroom with him kicking the door in to rape her

1. Told family members things about himself that he knew they wouldn't like. Told me a sugared version of same things so, when people tried to raise the issue, I defended him thinking I had the full story. Family felt helpless and stopped trying.

1. Told me he really liked certain of my friends & family members. Consequence: I felt their reticence around him was unreasonable and reduced contact.

1. Was grumpy around my family and friends. Nothing you could put your finger on, just surly and unpleasant.

1. Talked to friends and family members, in confidence, about his concerns for my emotional stability - leading them to feel that my anxiety in the relationship was a symptom of that rather than genuine cry for help.

1. Flirted overtly with female friends, then got all offended when I flagged this as inappropriate. Raised it with said friends as evidence of my instability.

1. Passed on slightly twisted gossip about friends so, when I mentioned events, I came across as having overly negative views on their lives. It put them off me and confirmed the instability story.

1. Before long, I really was feeling emotionally unstable due to his perpetual mind-fucking. This led everyone to think they'd better keep a distance for my own good.

Do you watch Coronation Street? What Kirsty's been doing to Tyrone.

silky, no its just one relationship, they have been together a long time, and I get what people are saying that some people drop friends, but this goes far deeper. Once I was there and he said I dont like her mum because ....., an awul lot later it was I hate her mum, thats in front of their kids, and it gets worse, and worse. Its got to the stage where its so predictable,but at the end of the day its her choice, and she knows if she needs me I'll be there

fly I think silky was talking about my post rather than yours.

Silky if you did mean my friend, she has now been married for - blimey! - close on for 25 years. I do hope she is happy, she has always seemed so. TBH I was not a close friend that she "dropped" it was more a case of us all being single and late teens and going out as a group, which she stopped doing as soon as she got a boyfriend. The goings out as a group stopped eventually as the rest of us got older/moved away, but she was the first one to bow out.

Reading this thread reminded me of her - I remembered the pissed-off feeling at never seeing her being replaced by guilt when I found out she was being abused . . . then immediately the next boyfriend arrived she was exactly the same. I hope that having had the confidence to send the first bloke packing she wouldn't have stood any nonsense from the next one!

They threaten you, are violent with you. Say you can go somewhere, but then before you go they make a big deal out of it, and when you come home again there is most certainly an argument normally violent. They ruin your confidence to the point where you believe that you are as shit as they say you are. Then you really dont want to go out.

One memorable time was when I wanted to go see my sisters first newborn baby and as they were in the next town I said all excited I'll go and then stay with my mum as don't want to get train back late at night. Apparently if I did go and stay overnight then I would be cheating on him cockface.

i used to work with a girl who would talk about her bf being really mardy generally and jealous etc - she said he didn't like going out, so they didn't much.

anyway, he once came out to a work's night out, and i was being friendly, said it was lovely to met him and i'd heard all about him (assuming it meant "she's said how lovely you are etc"),
a few hours later, she came up to me tore a strip off saying that he'd gone off on one, had a massive go at her "what have you been saying behind my back?" etc, and saying "i had to backtrack and calm him down"
after that, she never spoke to me at work, and left a couple of months later.
i never heard from her again.

i often think about her and if she's safe. :(

My mum had "issues" and would isolate me from people

she would pick on me until I cried on the way to first days at things where there would be potential new friends, or important celebration days so by the time I got there I would be a bit of a mess and my confidence would be shattered. She never did this if I wasn't going out anywhere. Onces she stomped on the gift I was bringing to a new friend's birthay in secondary school, it was the first time I'ld been invited to anything by these girls so I ended up having to go empy handed and blotchy faced. It meant that I would end up not being great socially at that event (obviously as I was shaken)

She made it awkward for people to come to the house, so if I did make a new friend my lack of reciprical invites would put some of them off, or if they called to the house and I had to block them at the door it was off putting. then my mum would say that she wished I had no friends and make me feel like nobody liked me as the house wasn't full of friends

Yeah, my dad wasn't subtle about it at all. He simply beat Mum up if she was friendly with anybody (or anyone was friendly towards her). He was relentlessly vile to her mother, hoping she'd give up and lose contact. He used to bully my friends and hit me in front of them. They didn't come round too often. One (aged 14-15) picked up her coat and left, saying she shouldn't be treated like that and neither should I. I was wildly impressed!

My husband, on a few occasions , has 'ganged up' on me with my sister or a friend . But when I would confront him/them. it would be "why are you getting so wound up, we're only teasing"
Also when we used to go family gatherings he would not be obvious or anything but just needle me the whole time so I felt on edge and could not relax. Going to see family was useally an ordeal anyway, so that did not help.
When I was a teenager my mum used to have a fit if she came home from work and I had a friend over.

My Exp would argue to the point of rudeness about subjects he knew my friends would have different options than him about. I have to smile though because instead of them not bothering with me which I assume was his goal, they just laughed at him behind his back - and still do
I do feel some triumph that that group of friends I made post dd were strong and loyal enough to withstand exp behaviour. If he weren't currently legally restrained he would still be trying to shit stir and isolate me - bad luck!

My STBXH is/was very subtle about this.

Encouraged me to go out more with my friends, but when I did he resented it like hell and would go on and on about me leaving him by himself.

Said he liked my family and enjoyed visiting them, but when we were with them he sulked and moaned the whole time.

Believes himself to be extrovert and sociable, but only on his terms. Friends rarely just drop by to our house.

Has 'rules' about what's allowed (but presented as requests). Didn't like people phoning me. My family and friends never called the land line because they knew if I answered he'd kick off.