How do I leave?

[Coconutter]

Have NCed as DH knows my username. I think I have to leave him. I've been through so much emotional turmoil over the past year, I'm on ADs, I'm on the waiting list for counselling, but no matter how hard I think about it, and I take the depression into account, I just don't love him like I used to. The only thing that makes me happy is the thought of being on my own. I got married at 23 and it was too soon. I want to live on my own, in a city, have a different job, make friends (I don't have any round here), go out (which DH doesn't like).

I don't like the same things he does any more. I get frustrated by his lack of passion and his lack of zest for life. There is nothing wrong with him - he is a wonderful person, and has done nothing wrong. We're just not right for each other any more and I know neither of us will change. I've changed since we married and he never will.

So - how do I go? What do I do? What is the process for leaving and causing him a little hurt as possible? What are the practicalities? I have nobody to stay with within commuting distance from work. We have no DCs. We own a house together. Everything is in joint names. I don't know where to start. He knows thugs aren't right and that I've not been sure for a while but he will be heartbroken. I feel so awful but I think in the long term someone else would make him much happier.

Things not thugs..!

WEll, first of all, that's alright. You're allowed to make the decision to end a marriage. I know a woman can be made to feel like a selfish impetuous foolish wretch for ending a marriage but truth is it's your prerogative and you don't need anybody's permission. YOu only have one life, so well done. I never ever regretted leaving. Although it was a tough time because of the high emotions. I made the mistake of trying to justify everything. I needed everybody's approval. You don't need to justify it to all and sundry. Obviously he'll want to know why you are deciding to end it, but you can condense it in to a sentiment that can't be argued with. eg, Things aren't right and I don't want live with anymore because I'm not right for you. That is not cruel, but it's true and hopefully it can't be argued with.

When I left my x he was a nightmare and I literally had to do a runner and plan it in secret. But hopefully if like you say he knows things aren't right, he will help you split up. ykwim? If he's not abusive then can you sit down and ASK his help to split up. Does HE have family or friends nearby?

I've broached the subject of leaving a couple of times before and he was distraught.

Sorry, hit post before I finished! He wouldn't help me leave. He wouldn't display any kind of abusive or unreasonable behaviour as he has too much self control and dignity but he wouldn't agree even a tiny bit. This is one-sided. He is, as I said, a wonderful man - hardworking, loving, affectionate, loyal, etc. Not without his faults of course and can be quite thoughtless but overall the sort of man your parents would live you to marry (which they did).

I can't believe it has come to this. 18 months ago I would never have dreamed I could feel like this.

So are you afraid that you will tell him it is over and that he literally won't HEAR it, that he will carry on as normal? my x kind of did that, in that, whenever I brought up the subject of splitting up he would start shouting about my faults etc.. turning it all 'round. I used to say to him 'it's over' but it was like I hadn't spoken at all. It certainly wasn't like he'd heard the words "it's over". So, a different kind of man from your H but still, net result, similar, you feel like you're not being heard????

Perhaps if he is like that you should tell him it is over and then ask a friend to travel to you to spend the weekend with you. Tell the friend that it's over, tell him that you've told the friend it's over. Tell your mother and father it's over while he is listenning to you make the call. He may not accept it, but if other people in your lives have heard it then he will have to 'catch up'.

it isn't easy.

Some people prefer to live in a cocoon of routine where any variation of the norm is seen as a threat or a challenge too far.

Presumably you've discussed how you feel about the stagnant nature of your life with him. If so, he's aware of your feelings and he's done nothing to address them such as going out and about with you, looking to make new friends locally and further afield, or otherwise varying what would seem to be an entirely predictable and one-dimensional existence.

The best way forward is to make a quick break with minimal opportunity for tears, recriminations, promises to change etc, that will only serve to prolong the agony - and it will be agony for you too as it's never easy to leave someone who's done you no harm but who has become someone you've simply outgrown or become incompatible with.

I would suggest you organise alternative accomodation before you break the news that you're calling time on your marriage and proceed from there.

As you have no dc it should be relatively easy to divide your joint assets and it may be that, after the dust has settled, you'll be able to divorce online with mutual consent and without need to pay lawyers' fees.

What do I do though? Do I tell him then just go? Do I move into the spare room? Do I pack a small bag and come back for the rest? We've got a holiday booked for next month. And what if it's the wrong thing and I regret it??

You sound quite conflicted Coco. Maybe it would be good to talk to someone in RL, or wait for counselling, to help clear your mind. Because although you sound fairly sure there's no future for the both of you, you also seem worried about making the wrong decision?

No-one can tell you what to do in terms of leaving, or separating. If you want to move into the spare room, or get out of the house altogether, only you can judge if that's right for you.

Are you concerned that if you make a move, he'll see it as terrible, or that there would be no going back? You say he was distraught when you mentioned it before ? can you say what actually happened? Is this the stopping point, I wonder - that you fear a repeat performance, so it's got to be 'right'.

I don't know what's right for me All I know is that I feel like I'm in the wrong life somehow.

By distraught I mean sobbing (he NEVER cries), saying I'm everything to him, I'm his whole life, saying he loves me...

Omg, Coconutter, that is heavy!

I hope that you can condense your feelings into something that can't be argued with, because by that sounds of it, if you go to him and say you feel you don't know what's right for you then - you're just going to be talked round??

The weight of his sadness on your shoulders sounds absolutely stifling though. He is pinning that on you. Stay with me OR.............. I will be DISTRAUGHT! not just sad in a normal way but DISTRAUGHT!? SOBBING?

It's a little bit like 'if you leave me I'll commit suicide'. He may not be saying that but he is holding you responsible for his sanity. It lies in your hands!? if you break it off with him, he'll be a wreck?? That is the 'script' of your relationship at the moment! what an albatross for you to have to carry around your neck!!!

THAT is not normal. You can't be tied into a relationship because the other half will be distraught if you leave.

You are NOT his whole life. Even a couple who are very happy together can not be each others' "whole lives" and he by the sounds of it, is not yours. People do and can if they try rebuild lives and move on.

When I was thinking about whether or not to leave my x was the right thing for me, somebody asked me a question which helped me a lot. They said to me, 'if you could fast forward a year, and the split and the repercussions of the split and all the acrimony that went with that were behind you and now, it's a year in to the future, how do you feel?'. In MY case the answer was FREE, relieved! content! proud of myself! So that helped me to clarify that it was the SPLIT I was dreading. Not the being free. I had no fear of being single, or being without my x, but breaking free from him was I knew giong to be a mammoth task.

And it was. But I did everything wrong! I kept on engaging with him and trying to defend my decision to him. All that did was FEED his belief that I needed his approval to end a relationship.

It sounds to me like your x has you in a state of total confusion. You have sublimated your own needs here but you are in a heightened state of awareness of his. My x had me in that state too when I left. All I felt was guilt and concern about him, even though really, the split had been coming a LONG time and if he'd been compos mentis he would have accepted it and not blamed me for leaving him. He never, ever looked at his own behaviour!

It's going to be hard to get this guy to ACCEPT that you have the right to end it. He will be stunned that you feel you have the right to end a relationship with him. I really reccommend getting your friend/sister/mum/dad/brother to come down and give you support and literally witness the words. Maybe not the actually words, but you can tell him it's over knowing that your support is on it's way.

As I said earlier, this type of delusion within a relationship (ie, that you can't end it because-you-are-his-whole-world) will be pierced much quicker when he knows there is an outside objective witness to his controlling behaviour.

Practice what you're going to say to him. Make sure it's something that can't be argued with. Even if something that can be argued with sounds kinder, it's not. Boil it down. "I don't want to be your whole World" "I want to end this relationship" "I want to be single". something that a drama person can't manipulate you OUT of feeling.

Ps Forget about the HOLIDAY!!!! that was your parallel universe. You have to call time at some point and there'll ALWAYS be something planned.

it doesn't sound like he will leave the house. he will cling on and on and on. So I think you've got to be the one to leave. In a way it might spell it out to him.

People react in all sorts of ways when splitting up is discussed. Your DH is at the more extreme end of the spectrum.

Because you're depressed, and you're talking about turmoil over the last 12-18 months, it seems that a lot is going on in your life that has been upsetting you. You've also asked about leaving with a few things, and coming back for the rest, which sounds as if you sometimes want to take flight, quickly.

In the short term, is there any way you can take a break, on your own? Perhaps go and visit your Mum or a relative on your own? If you spend time with someone who loves you but is not your DH, you might get some comfort and advice with regard to that next step. Try to reach out to someone, it doesn't only have to be professionals that help you.

Are you OK?

Yes - thank you, just not had chance to post, sorry. I keep having flashes of feeling what it used to be like, and that's what makes me unsure. I'm all over the place - eg we were ttc last year, unsuccessfully, and I was desperate to be pregnant, but all the trying and timing it got too stressful so we stopped for a bit. Now I'm not sure I want children at all which is really strange for me. I don't know if I'm just changing.

I broached the subject before of a trial separation, which is what I feel I need, but it's not practical as I have nowhere else to live. He was so against the idea as he's desperate for his family to not find out. They are very difficult traditional and separation is just not done... I'm beginning to feel permanent is the only way forward but I don't know. It's all so confusing

hmmmm desperate for his family not to know!? so you should continue like this because the show must go on?? That's not realistic and it's not fair to you.

Also, he doesn't mind vomitting up his soul to YOU but his family are protected from his pain and drama!! STiff upper lip for them ??

Also you say that trial separations are not done in his family! well, that's handy for them !

Can you draft in a friend to be with you when you deliver the news to him? You are really going to need an ally. I don't think that you could get through this on your own. He would push and pull ALL your buttons with his carefully orchestrated sobbing and wailing.

Tell him the truth, in a concise way that can't be argued with. Then, get a new number. Be honest with him and tell him you have to get away so that you can think but that you're as certain as you can be that you want to end things and you're not happy.. If he throws himself on the floor sobbing and wailing then tell him you will call his family. By the sounds of it he can rein in the drama for their benefit. Sorry if I sound harsh. I don't doubt that he would be upset, but he shouldn't be manipulating you like this. You should be allowed to THINK. Allowed to at least contemplate splitting up without him laying that heavy stuff "you are my WHOLE World" at your feet.

I really feel for you. Please ring a friend or a member of your family. I think he needs to know that other people have witnessed the words coming out of your mouth. When other people know you've ended it he'll have to catch up but until then, denial denial denial.

I threatened to leave my dh many times, and he kept giving me the emotional blackmail of 'well you will have to tell the children then' which broke me up. I stayed. Bit mistake. Don't be intimidated into staying in a relationship that does not make you happy. I am in my 60s and wish I had left when I planned and had a freerer and happier life.

While I really appreciate all your comments - and I really do mean that - I feel I have to defend him a bit. He never cries, ever, and I think would never intentionally use this to emotionally blackmail me. However he does keep making comments about how he still really means all his marriage vows, particularly when we see eg something related on tv, or hear of a friend's engagement, which does feel a bit pressuring.

I feel under pressure but he feels he has to pressure me a bit (verbally not physically) to make sure I'm still 'his', and because he says if he didn't ask me or initiate anything physical it would never happen. Argh I just don't know.

U say 18 months ago u never dreamed u would feel like this. I think its the depression not u.
Get proper counselling, don't wait for gp referral they take too long. Go to relate, ask dh to go and try. If after some support u still want to leave at least relate will be there to support your dh and yourself in the big changes to both your lives.

Nevertheless.............. you have to try and separate his feelings from your own. You want to revolve your life around your feelings and choices right? You're NOT a bad person to want to leave a marriage. If that's what you tell him, you're certainly not cruel. You have by the sounds of it already agonised over this.

I don't think anti-depressants make you want to leave a good relationship that is making you happy/good about yourself. I went on anti-depressants in the run up to leaving my x, and they gave that tiny bit of extra lucidity and bravery needed to end the relationship. It was STILL hard mind you.

But seriously, I'm not ordering you to do any of this stuff. "ring a friend and tell her to come 'round while you tell him it's over" But maybe the things you've read here will do laps in your brain, and help you decide how you feel.

You know you shouldn't feel 'under pressure' in a relationship. I think he is trying to extract these reassurances from you that you are still 'his' precisely because he KNOWS full well that you are full of doubts and slipping away from him. So, if you ever do tell him that don't want to be in the marriage any more he can say to you but so recently on August the 6th you said "......". Then you'll be either a liar or guiltly of messing him about. The next time he seeks these reassurances be careful. Even if it leads to ten hours of crying. But don't put yourself through it over and over and over again.

Would a week away from him, a HOLIDAY on your own, just called a holiday and not called a trial separation, would that help?

I know you're right about the reassurances. I just don't know what to say when he asks that, and I can't say definitively yes or no. I love him, but I don't think that enough. On the other hand how can I leave a relationship where a lot is good? Many women would give their right arm for a nice guy like him!

as i just read on another thread, it is not about how nice you are, or about how nice he is, it's about the marriage and that has failed because you aren't happy. so whether he is a nice guy or not, that's beside the point. the marriage is a dynamic. it's that that is not working. it doesn't have to be a character assassination. he doesn't actually sound that nice though

It's because there's no concrete reason. I've just changed I think How can I be unhappy when nothing has really changed?