small rant about friend.. am I being a bitch?

[w3dnesday]

Hi, I've posted about my friend before, possibly under a different name though I can't remember.
She has never had a long term relationship, now believes men hate her, yet continues with internet dating.
90% of texts she sends to me are complaining about her life and how she can't get a man.
She is attractive and so goes out on dates, however she is very insecure, bombards these men with texts lookking for reassurance until they just stop responding.
I have told her to cool down a bit, stop dating for a while and sort her head out (i really believe she could do with going on some anti-d's but she "doesn't agree with them). She responds by saying she hates being single, rants at me about how hard her life in and that I have no idea how hard it is for her.
We're supposed to be going out this weekend for a drink and a dance and generally a good time.
She's been texting me again saying 'whats the point, all men hate me, i'm so ugly and fat blah blah blah, whats the point of going out to just get drunk'. So I have said 'forget it. lets not go out'.
I'm quite offended that she only views a night out as worthwhile if she's going to pull. It's dull as fuck and i'm fed up.
Just kind of needed to write it all down in case i tell her to fuck off.
She can be a lot of fun and is a lovely person but this dating shite is making her miserable. She's awaiting counselling, Ive suggested maybe she gives dating a rest while she makes peace with herself and learns to actually like herself however,she's having none of it.

no, you aren't being a bitch, sometimes friends are hard work!
there is nothing you can do for her really, unless she wants to change.

I don't blame you for cancelling though. why not invite her over to yours for some drinks instead? or go out for dinner rather than to somewhere she'll be looking to "pull"?

Got a friend like that too, she plasters that sort of stuff all over Facebook. She sporadically tries internet dating, with the same results, and ceroc/salsa dancing, always with the view to meeting a man. I often wonder what she'd actually do if she met one, since dating and looking for a man seem to have become her hobby/obsession! Yet she dismisses all the decent, attractive men who have shown an interest in her for silly reasons (one was the same height as her, another didn't earn enough although had a good job). All of her friends have given her the same advice, she doesn't listen...

thisisyesterday - if she comes over to mine she moans about not being out meeting guys and how dull her life is (again - i find that a little rude). She is loads of fun when she's seeing someone apart from the insecure obsessing!

geegee888 - yep, she sounds like your friend! when she meets someone she then stresses about their looks, their job, hobbies etc i've tried giving her the advice too, so have several other people, she dismisses it all as no one knows how hard her life is apparantly.

I'm making her sound like a nightmare, she is a fab person but it gets lost behind the crazy, dating man-obsession self-hating characteristics

I have a friend who used to be just like that. She couldnt handle being single at all, and every 'conquest' was marriage material - she frightened them off immediately. (often before she'd ever met them)
Fortunately, she met a man who didn't mind her 'desperation'. Quite liked it obviously since they moved in together about a fortnight after meeting (I met my DH the same night - and blimey I was still 'holding out for the big event' after a fortnight LOL) They are still together 7 years later (and married). So lets just hope you friend finds someone before she has a complete breakdown.

I do feel for you. Its very insulting to go out with someone who only wants company whilst she bloke-hunts.

Be honest with her. 'I'm ugly'... yes you are! 'What's the point going out?'.... none, let's take a rain check. 'You've no idea how hard my life is'.... no I don't but I'm not really interested.

Keep batting this self-hatred back at Moaning Minnie until she gets the message.

lynniep - my god i hope she meets the right man soon, there must be one who can cope with the desperation, hearing about your friend gives me the hope that someone can 'deal' with her.

Cogito - i'm kind of going that way with the responses now, there's nothing I can say to help so fuck it I suppose. Maybe its because I try to come up with solutions that I get so frustrated, I'll just leave her to stew

That kind of person doesn't want solutions, they just want you to act as a Wailing Wall while they rehearse the same old problems over and over again. No-one can remain sympathetic in the face of such boring, selfish behaviour.

I second what cogito says. If you take it all on board you'll end up snapping at her. She needs a self awareness check.

I've done a peer coaching course and I've found it amazing. Try repeating back the things she says to you for verification. "you say your life is awful?" Exactly why is it awful or worse than anyone elses???" Chances are she'll realise how ridiculous it sounds.

Do you have any other friends in the same boat that you can pair her up with?

Or suggest speed dating and sit in the pub with your kindle while she works the tables. At least people are all there with one thing in mind.

If she does meet someone, will she become the type of couple person that wants to everything in a couple, or come round and slag him off for hours on end putting you in a super awkward position, op?

I think it sounds like very hard work but I will say in your friend's defence - it can be hard being on your own and feeling as if everyone else is taken!

I have also sporadically tried internet dating but never get a whiff of interest which if I'm honest does make me really question myself! I am OK with being single but at my age - it's hard to explain but it crept up on me very suddenly that I won't be having the wedding or the cake or flowers and that can be hard to swallow.

I've just decided to have a baby on my own as really when I thought about it, it was THAT I wanted,not the man! - but if you don't want to go down that road it must be very difficult.

So while I can understand your POV I do understand hers as well (but she still sounds like a pain!)