Recently married but don't think I love DH anymore

[Beaverfeaver]

I don't know what to do.

The run up to the wedding was so stressful for the both of us, that looking back I should have notices things might not have been quite right, but just put it down to jitters etc.

However, its now almost 4 weeks later, and I just don't feel the same about him anymore.

We have been together for 12 years, things have been fine up until then, and now everything about him drives me crazy and I don't feel attracted to him either

What do I do now?

All that wedding for nothing?

Or is it just post wedding weirdness that will go?

I hope it's weirdness. I do know that many people believe that something will chnage when they become married, even if they have been with a partner for a long time (as you have) before marriage.

Did you maybe think it would be different and the reality that your relationship is kind of the same maybe what is getting to you?

I'm just grasping here, I'm very sorry this is happening to you!

Post wedding comedown I reckon.

What changed? If nothing, did you expect something to?

Nothing has changed.
I hoped nothing would change. And we both had said the same to eachother before getting married.

He drinks a lot when stressed, so drank more in the run up to the wedding.

My dad is an alcoholic so not something I am happy with.

DH says he tries to cut down but more often then not now I will find him gone 2/3am having fallen asleep on the sofa. Which pisses me off.

He is generally a loveley guy and I live his family, but just thinking/worrying he will end up like my dad (who I love to bits), but finding it hard to respect DH the more he does this.

I want to feel attracted to him and feel that mutual respect and love.
But right now I don't like to even kiss him

I think its post wedding blues. Quite common. I would give it a few weeks/ months.
But I would also speak to him about his drinking again.

I had a good 12 mths of post wedding weirdness and genuinely felt DH and I probably shouldn't have got married. We have been married 7 years and are very happy now

At what point did you become concerned about his drinking?
Just trying to seperate the wedding from the drinking iyswim
I think you do have post wedding weirdness,but your DH has been drinking more around this time,so it is difficult for you to be able to seperate the two.

I'd listen to your gut. In the dizzy whirlwind of proposals, preparations and marriage, it's too easy to put concerns about the relationship on a back-burner and attribute them to wedding jitters. Yes, there's always going to be something of a come-down post wedding but I think what also happens is that you look at the man across you at the breakfast table in the cold light of day and think very hard for probably the first time what it actually means to be with someone for life. If he's relaxing into the role of permanent fixture and taking things more for granted already, maybe you don't like what you see?

I'm sure it is just post-wedding weirdness OP. If you are concerned about your DH drinking more when he is stressed, please talk to him. My STBXH drank on a daily basis to excess and saw nothing wrong in this and didn't class himself as an alcoholic as he stated "I don't need a drink when I wake up". We sat down and chatted about it and he did cut down a little. After a while it crept back up again and the arguments when he had too much drink were awful. Eventually, it got so bad that I issued him with an ultimatum "our marriage or your drink". He chose our marriage and completely gave up the drink for the following 6 years. However, when we seperated, the first thing he did was start drinking again......and the DC tell me that at times, it is still to excess.

I wouldn't be happy if my new husband was often sleeping drunk on the sofa! That's not who you thought you were marrying, is it?

I would have a very firm word with him. Either cut right down or sod off.

Crisis we had about 6 months of that. Complete and utter "oh my fucking hell, what have I DONE?".

The thing was, suddenly all his behaviour was just too much. It had suddenly jumped out of nowhere and smacked me in the mouth and I had no idea where it had come from. I started to nag, he started to play PS3 until 3am and then come to bed and wake me up.

We had massive fights. I couldn't, for the love of anything, get him to see my perspective. It kicked off during our last fight - he dumped his PS3 in the bin and stormed out. I followed yelled "The PS3 isn't the issue. Throw the fucking games away"

Anyway, they say that a major stress can literally destroy the last of your pancreas if you are in limbo Type 1 diabetes land and a couple days later, I started to get thirsty. He wasn't good for the next 6 weeks and his wake up call was me vomiting all night and needing to get to the A&E. I had a matter of hours left.

Anyway, after all that - we have come back around to pre-wedding marital bliss. Fair enough we both got married, moved countries, moved jobs, moved LIVES and then I went and got ill so there were some reasons there.

I think the first point is to talk to him but the second thing is to realise that men are like...sit in cave and sort out problem types. We all think and behave differently and I honestly think that there is MORE stress for the first 6 - 12 months of marriage than you will have for the rest of your life.

My DH is the man is love. He is now thoughtful and loving and careful with me. He makes an effort. He doesn't play PS3 anymore. If he works on his laptop late a couple nights a week, I have reserved the option to ask him to not do that the next night and he is gracious about it and will cook dinner and sit and talk to me. I think we've managed to find our mojo again.

It will come. Just have faith in him and the choice you've made and remember two things:

1. It happens to everyone. It's normal to feel like that
2. The first year is the worst. Push through that and only after the first year, make a decision (unless he is abusive. Then leave)

Good luck

" It happens to everyone. It's normal to feel like that"

No it isn't. This couple have been together 12 years and have had plenty of time to get to know each other, iron out differences and develop the relationship. 'Put up and shut up' is not the answer here OP. If you don't like spending the night in a cold, empty bed while your new groom is comatose on the sofa after a few beers, tell him...

I don't mean "put up and shut up"

Discuss it but the feeling of "fuck what have I done" is normal. I don't know ANYONE who entered their marriage with pink and fluffy animals.

A lot of our fights came from trying to figure out what to do and how to mend it but we fought for each other and we came out the other side.

I don't think it's worth it to LEAVE the bloke. Talk to him but don't feel alone in this. The best thing someone told me was that I wasn't completely fucking mad to feel like I was overwhelmed

I think this level of drinking can have a rather insidious effect on a relationship.
It isn't right that he is depending on alcohol so much. It could be a coincidence that his dependency has increased at this time, which is just really bad luck - but whatever his reasons for drinking like this, what he is effectively doing is checking out - when he is drinking, he is not with you.

That's what alcohol does. It draws a line, builds a wall, creates a gulf between you and everyone around you.

He is effectively saying to you that he is not willing to be with you, available to you, engaging with you at these times. That will have the effect of making you lonely, then sad and at last rather resentful.
And you might not realise why.

I am sorry this is happening. You're probably experiencing a subconscious cutting off, detaching from him as his behaviour is reminding you deep down of something unpleasant you have experienced before, ie your father's drinking. Don't ignore your reaction.

I think you might need to speak to your DH and try and address his drinking in the sense that it is putting a huge barrier into your marriage and you do not feel you can continue a relationship with someone who is not properly 'there'.

See what his reaction is, if he is willing to cut down completely and seek some help perhaps, because he is drinking for a reason - then you might be in with a chance of rebuilding. If not then you might be wise to go with your own feelings and sense of self preservation, and cut loose.

I think it is very unusual to be feeling like this when you have been together 12 years (surely you knew him well enough to be sure you wanted to marry him) and only 4 weeks after the wedding. I disagree that your first year of marriage is the most difficult. My ex and myself always had a rocky relationship but we were on a high for months after our wedding and I remember working out that we didn't argue for a year. We were together 15 years and recently split up but I have lovely memories of that year. I know you say his drinking is affecting your feelings but can he really be so different in the last 4 weeks compared with the last 12 years? I would like to think it is just a passing phase and you will soon be back on track. Obviously he needs to address his drinking but hopefully that is a phase for him.

Why did you decide to get married after so long together?

I had doubts for quite a while after I got married and we had been together for 12 years too. I started to find DH needy and felt a bit trapped. Looking back we got married when lots of other things were up in the air, we were living 500 miles apart at first, and then had to sort out new accommodation and new jobs. When everything had calmed down my good feelings gradually returned and 16 years later we are still happy.

I make a point of warning engaged couples about post wedding blues ( what a killjoy) but it is such a common thing.