Feel like my heart has been ripped out tonight.

[Thehappybaker]

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I desperately need someone to talk to but there isn't anyone I can talk to about this.

My wonderful husband of eighteen years has tonight told me he is gay. I feel like my safe and happy world has been turned upside down. I didn't realise how much pain I could feel. I can barely see the keyboard for crying, no matter how much I try I can't stop.

I love him so much and I know he loves me as he is so very sad that he has caused me so much pain after promising never to hurt me. I don't want to leave him, but I don't know how to go forward, can a marriage based on love and friendship work if you both want it to. What if he meets someone or if I do, there are so many questions going through my head. I'm sad, scared, angry and lonely.

I'm sorry for posting as I'm mainly a lurker, but I see that this board helps so many people, and I really need some help.

The desperately unhappy baker.

What a terrible shock for you. I'm so sorry. Can you explain a bit more about how this revelation has come about? Did you have no inkling that anything was wrong?

I'm sure others will be along with some wise words.

Oh I am sorry. :(

Have you spoken properly or is it still sinking in?

Is he with you now?

Hugs!!

Oh my love, I'm so sorry to read about how much pain you are in. Totally understandable, as it must have been a absolutely huge shock for you. You poor love.
Don't apologise as this is an amazing way to share anonymously and get lots of support.
Did you have any suspicions about your husband? Did he say if wants to continue with the marriage?
Sending you a huge hug x

There's so much for you to process. I'm so, so sorry. The immediate thing which pops into my head. Has he been actively engaging his sexuality outside of the marriage? If he has, then I do think you need std tests ASAP.

I'm so sorry x

Im so sorry, this myst be a hugh shock and im sure it has been a terrible secret for him to bear and you to hear.

Why has he decided to tell you now? Has he met someone? Does he want to leave you?

You poor poor love - dont have any advice, but honey, if he is gay then chances are he will meet someone else, if he hasn't done so already. I wish I could say something to help, but you know it is probably the end. Don't stay with him - you deserve a full loving relationship but this will have to be with someone else. Yes, you can stay friends but you cannot stay as man and wife :(

Give yourself some time to process, dont make any decisions.

I don't know how you come to terms with something this huge my love, but sending you a huge hug and hoping that someone wiser will be along. Agree with Lucy above, that really this must mean the end of the marriage, even if you can continue as good friends. If he has managed to keep this under wraps for 18 years there will be a reason he has told you now. So sorry.

I have often had suspicions about my stbxh to be honest and it wouldn't have come as a shock after 13 years for him to tell me (he hasn't done but there is still time - I once avoided popping home when he was here with his friend for fear that I would find them 'together' so it was a real concern, not just a fleeting thought. I actually felt vaguely sorry for him in fact, in case he was living a lie with me.) Have there ever been any signs at all.

Baker, I am so sorry. This happened to me too whilst I was pregnant. Although I hadn't been with my thwn OH for as long as you have. I suspect you will have many many questions (or you may jnot want to know any details. I was numb for quite some time. I would urge you to confide in someone IRL. I ended up going to relate alone and I found it useful. I say this as gently as I can but I think it is likely your husband has met someone and wants to pursue something with them. I deliberately didn't want details of what my "OH" was up to. Right now you just need to take babysteps and ultimately look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

Apols for rubbish grammar and spelling - ruddy phone!

Thanks for all your messages, sorry I didn't reply last night, I tried but your kind messages made me cry even more and I just couldn't get the words out.

I can't really think straight yet, we talked most of the night. He hasn't been unfaithful and I do believe that, but he has developed feelings for a gay man at work. He doesn't even think anything will come of it but wanted to be honest with me.

All sorts of things are going round my head, I suppose the main one being is it something I have done? The bit of logic I have left tells me it's nothing I've done, but we have had such a wonderful marriage, an amazing sex life and are best friends, why has this happened.

I don't feel I'm making much sense but it's helping just getting things out. I'm not ready to talk to anyone in real life, I think I will leave that until I can talk and not cry. Although I still can't work out how to make the tears stop, there are breaks inbetween them now.

I'm going to have to get ready for work, I'm not looking forward to that, I need to think of a great excuse for my swollen face and tears. I will post again when I get home tonight, hopefully things will be a little clearer then.

Thank you all of you, knowing there are people who care about strangers enough to offer words of support is amazing.

The previously happy baker.

Just to say I'm thinking of you. Please come here to offload. xx

What a horrible shock.
Of course it's nothing you have done.
Can you take the day off work?

That must have been a shock for you (understatement of the year). Did he say he has always been gay or is it that he has suddenly found himself attracted to this man?

I'm sure for now you just want to make it work in whatever way possible, but you deserve more & you will realise this one day. It's nothing you've done believe me.

Hugs x

Huge hugs for you love, this is as hard as it gets, keep posting, keep talking, we're here for you.

Good luck - agree that a day off would probably be a good idea. You are in shock so probably won't be able to function at work. Can you see your GP? This really wouldn't be pulling a sickie. It's Friday. At least give yourself the weekend.

So sorry to hear this.2 of my Xes were gay/bi and I think XH might be too.

Am v sorry OP. It is absolutely not your fault: he wasn't honest, maybe from the start.

A member of my family did this, he had several teenage DC. He had always known he wasy gay / bi but wanted a family so was dishonest and got married . When he told his wife it was because he wanted to pursue relationships with men, but still live with her (this didn't work out). Selfish.

There are specialist counselling services for this kind of stuff.

Do you have DC? If so, they would probably benefit from professional help too, the DC in my family found it very hard and still do almost 20 years on tbh, they feel like their childhood was a lie and are still angry with their father (not just because of that). None had help and all say they wish they had. The father also has a difficult partner, who he met v soon after telling his wife, which hasn't helped.

Oh, defo get time off work!

Baker, your husband has been honest with you before acting on something he probably has been struggling with for years, possibly very confused + not understanding his own attraction to men given that he had such a loving relationship with you.

I think it shows great respect + honesty to be truthful like this not just be unfaithful.

No less devastating for you, + my heart goes out to you.

If this was me;

What I'd be wanting to know from him is if he ever was sexually attracted to women?

If he ever was sexually attracted to me?

If he is sexually attracted to me now?

Is he gay or bisexual?

I really think it matters hugely whether he is gay and has never acknowledged it before or whether he is perhaps bisexual but, having found himself strongly attracted to another man, has decided he is gay.

The other part that matters is whether he wants to leave the marriage?

If he is actually gay and is not attracted to women the marriage is over. You will be completely unhappy and so will he. You may remain close friends but that's not a marriage.

If he is bisexual then that's not an excuse for being a bastard. It wouldn't be the main issue then for me but more that he wanted to look outside the monogamous relationship he has committed to. Having feelings of sexual attraction to other people is quite normal. When you are in a monogamous relationship you choose whether you act on them and in what way you do; cheating, ending current relationship, not acting on them. If this is his first experience of a crush on a man it may be very disconcerting for him but doesn't necessarily mean he is gay, I say with caution.... He needs to work out the answers to all this I think.

If he is bisexual and this is a recent revelation I can understand why he may feel the need to leave the marriage and explore this previously unknown side of his sexuality but this would really stink for you.

I agree with Bossy's and Offred's posts. Are you sure he's not bisexual? Can he not work through these feelings and stay faithful to you? Does he have to explore these feelings physically and if so, can you let him, somehow? If you have a good marriage and friendship, can you possibly work through this together? Your dh has been amazingly honest with you. It would be sad to throw this away over a crush he has on someone else which may not come to anything. As Offred says, people have feeelings for others ouside their marriage all the time, it's how you act on them that's important.

I'm coming to this from a similar POV to your dh. I am bisexual, (but have always known it), and when I met dh, I was going through a purely hetero phase whereby I hadn't properly fancied another woman for several years, and it wasn't until we were a year into our marriage when I found myself having feelings for someone else (another woman). I didn't act on those feelings though. I told him about my sexuality but it didn't seem relevant at the time because we were very much in love.

Since marrying, I have however struggled with my desire for other women, but I don't wish to throw my marriage away over it as I am still very much in love with dh, still find him sexually attractive, and he's my best friend.

Can I just say - I told dh about my sexuality when we met, not when I started to have feelings for someone else!

No real advice here. But you describe your marriage as wonderful, you and your dh are best friends and your sex life is amazing. Sounds pretty good to me. Certainly a lot better than many of the marriages described on this board.

I'm not belittling the shock you've had. But your dh has not actually done anything wrong, he has opened up to you and been incredibly honest, so this is a good foundation on which to start talking.

It sounds like he's bisexual and perhaps this is the first time he has consciously acknowledged such feelings? Surely it's better that he tells you and communicates rather than hides it? And like others have said, it's totally normal to be attracted to other people, in one sense the gender is irrelevant; he has not acted on it and from what you say is a caring and respectful guy who isn't about to throw a good relationship down the pan

OP, so sorry about this. The shock is dreadful. I hope work goes ok.
I'm going to PM you, please look out for it. I need to get some info first so it will be later today.

Sometimes people don't acknowledge their own sexuality because of societal pressure to be straight, huge issues of denial +overwhelming need to be straight+ conform to "normal"expectations of family.