lying dad do i stay and be unhappy for my children

[reallyinneedofhelp]

i have been with my boyf for 10 years he is an ex drug user we have 2 children. he continually lies to me and i worry he is using again i do love him but i am not sure if it is just because i dont want to go through the heartache of splitting up. he lies about money and shows al the signs of drug use but i worry if we spit he will go back on the drugs and my children will have to watch their dad destroy himself. i am not happy but dont want my children to be damaged by seeing this i have no one to talk to as i know what my friends and family will say so i feel very isolated is there anyone who has gone through this

Im sorry havnt gone through this, it sounds very tough. You say all the evidence is there, have you confronted him?

unfortunately i have and he just denies everything but i know deep down he is lying and feel so ashamed in myself to think i could be such a fool it is so hard to make that initial step to finish it forever

also really struggling to pay my bills i manage the whole household on my part time wage as there is always an excuse with his wages

Well financially you can't go on or it will have a practical impact, food n bills etc especially in cold weather. It seems like you are already starting to realise these implications. In the past has he been part of a rehabilitation program? I ask as I thought you maybe could get some help with how you feel and making a decision or have you decided that is what you want, to finish it?

I left, not because I thought that it would be better to be a single mum but because I didn't want my child to grow up thinking that being in an unhappy relationship is 'normal'.

If he is not helping with the finances, chances are you will be much better financially if he is not around. And also, you may find out that once he is gone you are far less stressed and with much less work to do than when he was around.

So I would say you need to ask yourself the question "do you want your children growing up with a drug addict in the house?"

So, either he sorts himself or he goes, I know that ultimatums do not work but... you can't waste your life waiting for someone to change unless he is providing very clear evidence that he is trying to do it.

yes that is how i met him as he was clean and completely different when we first got together he is also on a methadone script and see a drug worker i really didnt expect any of this when i dreamt of how my life would pan out i am so nervous i just want him to leave so i dont have to deal with it i know i will be happier but when u have the 2 little ones theres so much more to think about i also cant help but think of him and how lonely he will be without me and the kids and he will have nothing as i do class everything as mine as i have worked so god damn hard for it all very sad right now

Look, if things deteriorate in your ability to provide for children and protect them from all the drugs stuff, then it's tough but god forbid the decision is taken out of your hands by someone noticing your situation and reporting it (rightly or wrongly I might add)

I don't believe this situation can be conducive to a happy secure household and relationship. Do you have anyone you can contact tomorrow?

no i dont want a drug addict in my house but without real evidence could i let my children stay at his and what if they see him walking around our town completely out of it did u have doubts when u left ? did u feel sorry for him as i seem to be thinking of how the break up will effect him emotionally rather than how i feel now... my children will always be no1 priority

i can provide for my children as i am in a highly skilled profession i am just part time as i want to be with my children and i am finding it a struggle to be in control of everything and in he current economy i think we all struggle, thank you for listening i maybe should not have mentioned drugs because it causes a stereo typical outlook from others, my children are in no shape or form at risk from the drugs i believe he is taking. i just needed someone to talk too, advice on separation and if the guilt and worry is something felt by others

Of course, you are not going to just stop caring for him, understandably. Sorry if I misinterpreted your post up thread re finances etc.

Maybe post in mental health or relationships, there are a lot more people around them boards. It will be busier tomorrow night too. ,I'm sorry I can't say more that's of use to help you through this hard time.

Of course I was full of doubts, and I was so sorry for him that I was feeling miserably sad for him in the months before the split. But I had been trying to save the marriage for all the years it lasted but one, and I knew that no matter what I did, things were not going to change.

I was very protective of him, he was more a little brother than a partner by the time we split, and yes I was worried for him. Then he went. There was mourning the routines and the things that were to be but wouldn't be anymore but once I got over the shock... it was as if the sun had come out. It took me six months to be absolutely.. Happy.

But I understand what you mean about how do you trust him to be responsible with the children when you are not there? well... in the same way you do now: You simply don't. But you can try to get in good terms with his family so someone can be around to keep an eye on things and ensure everything is ok when the children are staying with him. And they do not/should not be left to stay overnight until it is clear he is not getting high in drugs anymore.