Need advice, how do you share housework, fed up of doing it all

[twinkletwinklepops]

I feel a bit tedious writing this but I'm getting fed up.

I work full time, carry most of the load with our 14 month old DD and keeping our home clean and tidy etc. DH works full time too but feels that's all he needs to do. Anything else that I want him to do; cook, clean, wash up, go shopping, morning feed, evening feed, paperwork, etc. I need to ask him to do it, spell it out and then thank him for doing it. When the weekend rolls round he feels he is entitled to a lie in because he has worked all week.

The thing is he rarely does a job properly. If he washes up there are always things that need to be re-washed; when he empties the bath after DD bath time he doesn't put the toys away; when he gets up in the morning he never pulls the quilt back and opens the window, when he puts the rubbish out he never replaces the bin bags, these are just four examples of everyday things that I keep having to remind him today. Normally I just tidy up after him, so re-wash the dirty stuff, put the toys away, pull back the quilt and open the windown and replace the bin bags.

But today, feeling a bit under the weather and tired I left the dirty dishes by the sink for him to re-wash and he went mental. He didn't appreciate me doing this as it points out his mistakes and he said it is far easier for me to re-wash them. For years now I have been gently trying to ask him to wash up properly but it doesn't get through. He was so frustrated that I left the dishes for him to re-do and he pointed out that he doesn't deliberately wash up badly and I should be grateful that he does wash up!! There's no room for a dishwasher.

My point is I have enough on my plate and would prefer not to have to run around cleaning up after him, I already do that for our DH!

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help him understand that I have enough on my plate and it would really help me if he pulled his weight and that I didn't have to always ask him to do stuff. I know the obvious one is to sit down and talk to him and I am willing to do that. But how? I have to be so careful how I approach it and what words I use otherwise he will explode and walk off. This possible leads to a week of silent treatment. Any suggestions on how to approach this??

I also thought about listing all the chores and 'who does what' so he can see the imbalance. Your thoughts please.

Go on strike - leave all the dishes, bins, washing for a day or two and let him see them pile up. Let him see how quickly these jobs accumulate and how you're always on top of them, make him appreciate you.

Go on strike, wash your dish and DCs. Dish your food up at meal times and leave his on the side. If he wants a plate hand him a half clean or dirty plate!

Put signs on washing machine with explicit instructions, place one next to the bin. Stop doing his ironing, only cook for yourself, ask to separate out all the bills into your/his and leave him to get on with it or suffer the consequences. Tell him the bed stinks, he can have it and go sleep in a different room, withdraw sexual services until he learns to help. NEVER say thank you!

Another vote for strike here! It works brilliantly. My dh once had to buy pants at the airport because I had only been washing what was in the wash basket, so he had no pants left when it came to packing for business trip. He got the message.

Don't tip toe round him. If he's doing a lazy half-assed job then just bluntly tell him its not acceptable for XYZ reasons. Think about which thing is the most annoying and focus on that and crack it. My DH works away so I don't expect him to do much but what I cannot tolerate is sloppy food handling or neglecting fridge food safety. I think it took me a year of going bananas about this one issue and now its completely solved.

Also if I think the housekeeping is going downhill or house needs a deep clean, I invite some of our friends round because he'd rather drink poison than have people think our house was a pit. Cue DH running round madly with hoover and cloths. I personally cannot go on strike because I like a clean house and sex and so would be punishing myself as well.

I don't know how well these would work with your DH or your set up, also they may sound a bit pathetic to some.. Its outrageous that he cannot sort this stuff out when you work full time. Was he babied by his parents?

I'm watching this with great interest

State the problem. 'I just don't get this, I feel like I am doing more than my share, I'm knackered, pissed off and I don't want to be any of those things. How do you feel?'

And be prepared to listen.

Does he do anything relating to a car, a garden?

He sounds like an entitled arse TBH, and if he is, then you're fighting a losing battle I'm afraid.

Exploding when you try to talk, "going mental" if you do anything which implies criticism and sulking/silent treatment for a week is all controlling or emotionally abusive behaviour. Sounds overkill, maybe, but that's what it is.

If you just have a lazy husband it's easy enough, if he's willing to be trained, but tedious - and really he ought to learn himself. I suggest dividing up rooms in this situation.

If he's an arse though nothing will work because he probably feels, really, that it's beneath him and that you ought to do it because you're at home all day and it's your responsibility.

And seriously - don't go on fucking sex strike! FGS! Quickest way ever to turn sex into a chore for you and a thing that you owe him! Obviously, don't have sex if you don't want to have sex, but don't refuse it on principle as some kind of a reward you're holding back, he's not three. If I read this as advice one more time, I will scream.

DH isn't great with housework but that's something I knew when I married him and we agreed to have a cleaner rather than deal with conflicts over chores. It has been the best thing for us. I am not too bothered about a super clean house anyway but it's far more relaxing to know it will all get done.

I do most of the other household chores as well but I am happy to do that as I don't work. I think if I worked f/t we would just live with a more chaotic home or pay more for things like more supermarket deliveries, prepared foods/takeouts; it is hard but you just have to let some things go if your schedule is too tight, there's no point trying to trying to do everything.

I used to have a table top dishwasher when I lived on my own, even in a tiny kitchen I would recommend getting one as cleaning dishes is a thankless task -and I don't blame your DH for not wanting to do it

Other strike is fine, however just to make a point. However possibly not constructive in the long run...

I had the same problem, really wears you down! I have given up as to be fair my husband does do all outdoors stuff, such as power hosing the decking, grass cutting, car washing etc. WE did argue a lot, so as it was getting me no where I got a cleaner who does all the bigger jobs once a week and I now just have to maintain between times and do all the washing and ironing. Not ideal but fewer arguments, and husband does do some things if asked.

Could you buy a dishwasher? Saves a while load of arguments in this household.

I know most people say a sex strike is a bad idea but personally i honestly couldnt bring myself to have sex with a man like this. I couldnt sleep with someone i didnt respect and there would be too much resentment there. So nature would do the "strike" for me in a way.

~ If he washes up there are always things that need to be re-washed;
Leave them for him to rewash as before. Yes it pisses him off, but it will eventually work.
~ when he empties the bath after DD bath time he doesn't put the toys away;
So leave them in the bath for him to tread on when he has a shower.
~ when he gets up in the morning he never pulls the quilt back and opens the window,
Open the window when you get up.
~ when he puts the rubbish out he never replaces the bin bags,
This is my favourite one - just put stuff in the bin without a bag and force him to be the one to wash it out. It's generally a good way of reminding :) I just put the roll of bags at the bottom of the bin so they are right there when it is emptied.

Everyone has shit that their partner does that drives them completely interstellar. I always put stuff on the stairs to pick up on my next trip up there. Drives my DH mad and drives me up the wall that he just walks past it bitching and moaning about trying to kill him :)

Seriously though - like most men he needs to have it spelt out what he needs to do, every day and will often do the small stuff badly not to your standards.
Your options - either divide the chores in a way that you don't share them with differing standards eg: so he does the meal planning, the cooking and the shopping ; or get a cleaner. The latter is an absolute life saver for most couples who work full time.

Your DP isn't respecting you properly, but if a partner left dishes in the sink to be rewashed I would go fucking ballistic (as DP pointed out when I did it to him once .

Can you fit a dishwasher in the bathroom if there isn't room in the kitchen? Or get rid of a cupboard and put the dishwasher in there? You could put a dresser with kitchen contents in the living room or hall if you need the extra space? Apologies if there really is NO ROOM (I live in a small flat myself) but we got a dishwasher two weeks ago and it has literally revolutionised my week nights. It has freed up over half an hour a night which means I am not resentful about the cleaning I do do.

I now have a notebook with all the different chores that need to be done in the house in, mainly for my personal reference, but also so I don't have to respond when DP asks me 'if anything needs doing'.

But I have a very clean/tidy DP so what do I know

Plus, do you really need the toys taken out of the bath, the quilt pulled back and the window opened EVERY DAY? I think that is a bit pernickety to be honest.

Thank you for all for your comments. I'm not sure I can go on strike but if it comes to that I will have to. For now I am learning to be more direct and tell him as it is, but it's tough as this is so not my personality. I am normally the one giving and supporting, but in my case it looks like the more I give or do the more DH will take or sit in front of his laptop until a 'request for help' is made.

I really cannot understand how people do that. Sit on their arse when they can see things around them need to be cleaned or tidied and play dumb. It makes me sad that I feel the need to change to get along with my DH. Normally people are so scared of trying to be changed by their spouse. In my case I feel like I have to change/learn new skills.

I love DH dearly but sometimes the way he behaves towards me really makes me think he doesn't love me. For me it is about love and respect. If you love someone you want them to be happy and not stressed or fed up. On a day to day level you learn what makes them happy and what doesn't. Doing these small things to make your partner happy makes a huge difference to me.

It is so tiring when the weekend rolls around he looks to me to plan what we do, whether it is chores or family time. If I don't ask him what he wants to do he would just sit infront of his laptop all weekend. I have to prompt him, he very rarely initiates family time. Sometimes I feel like I am forcing family time on him and it is an inconvenience for him. For me when the weekend rolls around I just want to spend time with DD and do things together as a family. Working full time means I only have brief moments in the morning and evening with DD. But I also need a bit of time to myself. For DH he doesn't have this urge, he will do the bare minimum with DD and he is fine with this. He's started playing with her a bit more though. For someone who really wanted to have children his behaviour doesn't quite show it for me.

No need for a sex strike, that's been off the agenda for a while, this may be part of the problem from his side. The thing is if I don't feel respected and loved it makes it difficult for me. There are a lot of times when DH is 'doing the small stuff' that makes me feel loved and respected; but it lasts about a week or two at most and then he slips back into his old ways so... For me it's not a switch that I can turn on and off so easily IYSWIM.

We do have a cleaner, but the cleaner only cleans and this is very different to tidying things up and putting things away where you got them from!

Ethelb - DH is a hot sleeper, if bedroom is not aired daily it gets very stuffy and unpleasant. The notebooks sounds like a good idea. But yes, I can live with toys in the bath :-)

Thanks for listening!

So, you have to watch your words when talking to him about your needs or he explodes and then gives you the silent treatment for a week?

You have bigger problems than his half-assedness with the chores.