Can you work on attraction?

[thebiglight]

Hi wise ones....

DH and I are both significantly overweight (yuck) and our sex life is sh*te. We rarely even kiss never mind anything else. I know that i am not remotely attracted to him and havent been for years. He says he's attracted to me but I am not so sure.....

He did reject me for a couple of years saying I had let myself go... (recently explained that he really meant that he resented me for geting pregnant and him not being young free and single as a result) Charming

you ever been in this situation (with/without the fat bit) and been able to turn it around? Any words of wisdom you would like to share?

I am miserable in this marriage - nothing seems to flow or feel natural - we are on edge with eachother a lot and pretty much always have been. I really am beginning to wonder if we can get it back

Thank you...

(Background: 3 Dc's, horrendous debt problems which are easing now, Depression and GAD for the last 9 years since DD1 was born - less than 2 years into our 'relationship'.)

Was there ever anything which would be worth getting back? It doesn't sound like it was great from the beginning?

Personally, once I've stopped being attracted to someone, no amount of trying brings it back, even if I want it too. It sounds like you wouldn't touch him with a bargepole, and as u say, your miserable. I hesitate to say, it sounds as though u already know it may be too late?

I believe you can get attraction back. Have you spoken to him about it recently?

I only say this because you mention the weight as a problem, but what about losing weight together? If you have time, cooking meals together and going for long walks or joining a gym. Having something to do together might be enough to bring something back, and the weight loss would be a nice bonus.

It doesn't sound like you are very hopeful though to be honest, so I would have a long chat and think about what you really want, don't waste your time on something that is never going to make you happy.

For 'attraction' to be revived I think you have to like each other to start with. You don't sound like you even like each other and, until you resolve that, I don't see a future.

Oh how horrible for you. It sounds like normal family pressure is getting to him but your being overweight is a good way to have a go at you because he's partly responsible for the debt and the kids. What a mess. Probably salvageable though, but neither of you sound positive enough for that to happen yet.

My exH hated me putting on weight with our 3 DC. Used to prod my tummy a lot. He had an affair with Skeletor. When I found out, and after he left I lost weight and hey presto - he started making 'thinking about coming back' noises. However the real reasons he was running away (debt, DC, pressure, not-quite-big-enough-house, holding out for Skeletor's whopping divorce settlement) came out and revealed that my weight was not the problem after all. He fancied me again, but I realised the real issue was he couldn't handle responsibility. My appearance (which wasn't that bad, I had gone up to a size 12 after DC) was an excellent stick to beat me with, as he knew I was sensitive about it, and it absolved him of any responsibility.

In a long-winded way, I am basically trying to say it's unlikely to be about your weight. There's a whole lot more than that going on, but people sometimes find it hard to face up to the real issue because a) It's difficult to solve, and b) Because they don't want to be responsible.

Good luck with this, at least one of you is thinking rationally...

thank you all... gonna go easy on myself first and foremost and work on getting this weight off (or at least some of it!!)
I know i cant make him do anything but i hope he's encouraged by any progress I make and will walk the road with me...
he's a nice guy and a good dad and that's got to be worth something hasnt it?