New man goes on and on about ex wife

[NikitasSidekick]

So I've recently started seeing this guy. Seems like a nice bloke, treats me very respectfully, keeps in touch, he's funny, remains kind and respectful when drunk and last night we talked about having a more 'exclusive' relationship. I think this means we're officially 'going out'.

My ONLY niggle - is the fact that the past 2 times I've seen him he's talked in depth about his ex wife. Her bad points, her good points, what went wrong, when it all started going wrong etc etc. The first time he'd had a bit to drink so I let it go but last night - it was even worse. He must have waffled on about her for at least an hour non stop. Proper in detail too - health problems she had, even her childhood. He did say at one point "I know we shouldn't talk about ex's, sometimes it's relevant though isn't it?" - and yeah, it maybe is but in this much detail??

What is playing on my mind too is that I know he was involved with someone after his ex wife who broke it off due to the fact that it was obvious he was still not over the ex wife. Maybe this is still an issue??

They have been split for 2 years, previously together for 17 years.

Not sure what to do. We're going out again Friday - if he starts on about her again do I just tell him to stop or finish it assuming he isn't over her??

Just tell him straight up "it's bad form to talk about your ex when your out on a date with someone else so please don't do that"

plus, your not his counsellor - if he wants to get something off his chest let him pay a professional £80 an hour for it.

You are with him to have a pleasant evening, not listen to his problems.

Your not his rebound are you? never be someones rebound?

It's rude to do that. And I agree you're not a bloody therapist.
I'm sorry, I tend to think he's not at all recovered from the divorce.

It is a red flag to be honest that he maybe isn't over her although after two years and a relationship in between you'd think he would be. They were together for a very long time. I think I would politely say what NSSMN said if he tries to bring it up again, otherwise ask him to take some time to think about whether he is ready to date. I think 3 dates is far too early to be talking about an 'exclusive' relationship but that's just me.

I'm going to play devils advocate here Md say that his sharing his past with you like this is a good thing. When you are with somone new you do do that whole 'mylife up til now' thing dont you...He spent 17 years with her so I'd say that it's not hugely strange for him to spend an hour or two talking about it. I'd also say his attitude towards them and their split will tell you a lot about who he is as a person and could be a great indicator of the man you are getting to know.

Obviously if he sounds the entirety of your next few dates going over things then he perhaps needs to work through things a bit, but I don't see any huge red flags here yet tbh.

How many dates have you had?

Sorry Whenthetoad, I can't agree. Even if you want to look at it that way, ie more positively, I think it's too soon for him to be prattling on about his ex wife and boring OP stupid. The first few dates together are supposed to be about having a good time in each other's company, getting to know each other bit by bit, not spilling your guts for hours.
I was with my exH for over 20 years altogether and when we divorced I wouldn't dream of going on about him for even 15 minutes never mind an hour. I didn't do that with my friends, definitely not with guys I was seeing.
It would be appropriate after they've been dating for some time for him to perhaps air his laundry about the marriage, but not this early and not for such a long duration.

Run like the wind.

In fact, here; borrow my hang glider.

we've had 4 proper dates. First date he didn't mention her (apart from when he had to and it was totally relevant iyswim?). 2nd date he mentioned her a few more times. 3rd date we got drunk and he went on about her quite a lot. 4th date we went for a walk and she dominated an entire conversation. I know it's hard when a person has been in your life for so long but its the full on details that I'm not sure I need to know (and to be honest, she'd probably be mortified if she found out he was discussing with other women!)

He doesn't slag her off which is good and he shows signs of good commitment potential. Sounds like he's really worked out what went wrong and what he's learnt from it and now, what he wants from a relationship but do I really need to hear so much about it?

Just tell him!!!!!! It's ok to do that.

It's a problem. I would advise stopping seeing him. He's not over her and who really wants to go out with a bloke who has his ex that much in his head?

I would just tell him. At this point though I would be inclined to take the positive view.
As you have discussed 'being exclusive' there is the (slight) chance he was it all out in the open and you to know all about it.
But, honestly, I would tell him you are uncomfortable.

yes, tell him that last time was far too much, and although it's fine to share and it's good that he learned, you have heard it now and would rather not hear it again on regular basis. Then see whether he can take it on board, or that he can't control it. I'd give it a chance as he does have many 'pluses'.

See I think anyone can get into a topic that has taken up a big part of their time, I honestly think its not hugely different to going on about a job or a hobby especially if he has done a lot of soul searching about why it went wrong. Maybe this is his way of trying to show you the lessons he has learnt, or proving he has taken something good from it that will make him a better partner for you?

I know I am hugely in the minority here, but I wouldn't write him off just yet. See how you go next date and if he talks about her non stop then just say some thing like You talk about her a lot, do you think you have worked though it all yet? Are you sure you are really ready to be with someone else or is this better off as a friendship?'

You need to just tell him. He probably is so used to talking about it he doesn't notice quite how much he does it?

And hope he doesn't say what one date said to me. He talked about his ex constantly, seemed to be renting a shoe box just to be near his kids and was at her beck and call (this is my view of what he told me) so I suggested that perhaps he wasn't quite over his break up to which he replied:
Him: oh no she doesn't want me back I know that for sure
Me: how do you know?
Him: I asked her last week
Me