Put words in my mouth: nicely need to tell lovely MiL to stop tidying my house!

[phdlife]

She's a 100% nice woman and she lives to help - she comes over to see dc's and give me a little time off - but while she's here she tidies everything and it's driving me to distraction. Okay, our house is a complete tip, but it's OUR tip and we know where everything is. (sort of.)

And ok I'm tired, have my hands full with high-maintenance preschooler wrangling, and in possession of a gene that values almost everything above folding laundry, and I know iabu to be so cross finding my saucepans stacked willy-nilly, but honestly, it really doesn't help to come home, put kids through bath, take them into bedroom to dress and discover bed covered in 57 piles of folded clothes. Which they then jump onto and fling all over the floor. (Which is what happened after I asked her not to put clothes away after that time she mixed up clean, dirty, boys and girls - including all the too-small clothes I'd sorted into a great stack on the floor. And because I REALLY didn't like finding my undies all lined up neatly in my drawer.) Or be unable to find sippy cup straws. Or that phone bill that was purposely left on the dining room table where I could see it, but has now been tidied into a stack along with junk mail, 537 drawings of humpty dumpty and ds's scissors practise papers.

oops, didn't mean to stray into rant territory - but how do I get her to hold her hormones?

I can see why that would drive you nuts, however I'd say embrace it and direct her to do methodical things that actually help - perhaps unloading the dishwasher or ironing clothes. Or get her to take your pre-schooler to the park and give you some time to tackle it yourself. Try to see it as a positive - she wants to help, let her!

actually, it's more fiddly than that, because I really do appreciate a lot of her help - like finding my fridge shelves all wiped down yesterday, all the kids books back on the playroom shelves, and the kitchen floor swept (a gene dh didn't inherit) - but my heart really sinks when I find a box of stuff that has been picked up off floor and shoved into the playroom and it turns out to include half a now-seeping apple, my missing bra and the play-dough without its lid. As well as a few more drawings of humpty dumpty and a crucial bit of lego.

x posts

the thing is, I am slowly getting to it. We moved into this house with a toddler and a bump and no furniture and four families promptly dumped donated all their outgrown clothes, shoes, toys and books, so to say it has been something of an uphill battle is putting it mildly! But three years on I can drink caffeine again and sometimes get six whole hours' sleep, so I am making progress, but a lot of it is not stuff she can help with. She does all that she usefully can in five minutes flat, then ... just keeps going.

And given that I CAN sort clothes while dc's are here, but I CAN'T get any child-free time, usually I take advantage of her presence to skive off for a sanity break. Which doesn't include housework.

Pro's and con's darling. When my mum got ill and I suddenly had to do all the washing for the 5 of us (including mucky autistic son and wear-it-for-five-minutes-and-chuck-it-in-basket teenage dd) I felt a bit uncomfortable that I'd moaned about her.

She even used to iron every tiny little baby vest, bless her. And socks.

Count your blessings, honey. I'd cheerfully pay someone to hide my bills

why don't you sit down with her and discuss the papers issue. that's a big one for me, cause I do have an incredibly messy and haphazard methodical way of dealing with papers. And if you ask her to help you set out organizing the clothing, like where do dirties go, vs clean, then when you do go out for a break, you won't feel so worried. If she is part of the solution, it won't be such a problem! And it will still be your tip!

I think she's doing you a favor.

It's not a favour if it leads to more work and stress because you can't find things!

I have sympathy with you, phdlife - and really not quite sure how to tackle it - perhaps your DH could maybe have a word, if he can do it nicely/subtly?

My MIL is like yours but I'm obviously a lot more tetchy - and I did ask DH to tackle it once, when she'd stacked the dishwasher in the most haphazard way (one of my Monica things). He just yelled "Mum! Thumb says you're not to stack the dishwasher any more, you do it all wrong" which was a right bastard thing for him to do, upset her enormously, upset me because I didn't want her to be upset by it but did at least open the door to me explaining that I have a particular way of doing things and I really did appreciate her help but just needed to do some things my way. YY, no doubt very precious of me but so what - it's my house! I don't go to her house and change stuff around.

Perhaps you could just say politely "MIL, much though I love your willingness to help out, could you please just leave paperwork etc. where it is because I've put it there for a reason and I don't have time to find it again if you tidy it away somewhere" and repeat with appropriate reasons for other things too.

Ooh dilemma.

I completely see how irritating and frustrating this is, but she is so sweet and as you say you would miss her support and help if she took it away.

You know her better than us, but I'd steer away from talking to her in any way about this to be honest. Although it's a sensible idea to suggest specific jobs, that could backfire spectacularly - it would sound like you are talking to your cleaner however politely you say it.

I remember when a close friend had a baby and I was planning on lavishing her with gifts - all thoughtful stuff I would have wanted/needed when I had my dc (stay with me here). Then she emailed me a baby gift lift which included the words 'NO cuddly toys' and I thought 'fuck you, people are buying you stuff as a token of celebration, they should not be TOLD what to buy especially if they haven't asked' so ended up buying her something functional and less generous tbh!

Similarly (sort of) your MIL is just doing bits and bobs as she see fits, it's not a dynamic or arrangement where you can instruct her what to do.

So I'd simply hide any papers you don't want moved, shove dirty laundry under the bed/too-small clothes top of your wardrobe ie take five minutes to clear the decks of stuff you don't want her messing with - and then let her get on with it.

She sounds wonderful - and that's a huge plus.

I would just direct her so that it is useful.

Take the kids to her, then go home and get some housework done in peace..

See, I would tidy up before she comes--put clean laundry away except for anything that needs ironing, which I would leave in a conspicuous place. Put paperwork in a folder out of sight, pick up rubbish from the living room. It would only take a minute and then she could get on with fabulous things like wiping down your refrigerator shelves.

Bless her, it sounds like she genuinely just wants to help. I can however, see your POW though. It must be a little annoying to have things moved around.
Have an honest chat with her and lightly tell her you appreciate her so much but...letters and washing sorting are to be left for you.

I like Letsblow's idea....clear away all letters and clean washing before she arrives then you can just let her crack on :)