This could be a long story, but I'll try to get to the point. I'm 37, married 10 years with 2 young DCs.
It was practically a "white wedding", I was a virgin until a couple of months before we tied the knot. Before I met DH, I felt quite ashamed of the fact that I couldn't seem to get anyone to sleep with me, but actually, that would have been no problem if I was able to relax and let anyone get that personal. I see this now. I was quite horrible and got great enjoyment by flirting with men and seeing if I could get them interested, it was a real ego boost, but no matter how much I liked them I just couldn't get it together to do the deed. I'm not really sure why.
After getting married, I felt I could finally move away from this awful secret of my long-held virginity and be normal. DH wasn't terribly experienced either, he's a few years younger than me. So the sex has not been magical, but I also still don't feel very comfortable with my sexuality and so we tend to not explore possibilities too much, especially in the last 2 years since our youngest DC was born (we have sex about once every fortnight). I love my DH very much and he is a wonderful dad and great companion. I just find that I have very little desire to have sex with him. Partially because I'm so tired, but also because I think I've always had a low sex drive. He was never really my "type" but we got on so well, and I did find him physically attractive then, but not so much now.
So, it's dawned on me that my shame and weird feelings corresponding with being a virgin for so long has not gone away. I also find myself fantasising about having an emotional affair, and have flirted a bit with this very attractive man I work with (though I am generally quite flirtatious so this isn't too unusual). I find myself wondering if I could entice this man, and am slipping back into my old way of thinking. It would be a game, an ego boost, and completely utterly WRONG! On so many levels. Awful to my DH and my colleague and would mess up my family and job and I would be absolutely pathetic. I see that I have no hope of improving my feelings about my sexuality and my sex life with DH if I don't come to terms with why I am like this. I feel like a terrible person, my self-esteem is through the floor, yet I fear all of this may stem from some sort of narcissism? Repression? I don't know. I think I should get some counselling before I do something stupid. I just dont want to have the conversation with DH about how I feel as I think it would really hurt his feelings to know I feel this way. I'm thinking of seeking counselling in secret, but I'm a terrible liar. I couldn't explain away where all the money I'd spend on it went, either.
I am thinking of telling a half truth. I do have a history of depression so could tell DH I just want counselling for depression. I could tell him about wanting to feel more comfortable with my sexuality, though I fear he's going to be very uncomfortable with the idea of my/our sex life under scrutiny. I could use some advice about what to do about this. I also want to know if anyone has advice about what sort of qualification or expertise I should look for in a counsellor to deal with these issues?