Is this me or my mum?

[Stopthisnoise]

I have namechanged for this post. I'll try to give some background so as not to dripfeed, and I would really appreciate some honest upfront answers.

I really struggle with perfectionism, its a constant commentary for me in my work and personal life. I rarely experience a feeling of satisfaction or achievement from what I do - even if I get 100% for something or I am praised highly, there will be a little voice inside telling me not to get above myself, or that people are just being nice to me. I'm not an unconfident person, this is very much an internal thing which just always grabs my happiness or achievement from me. I think that if I made anything over than a small mistake at work, I would really struggle to cope and hold it together. I don't want to sound overdramatic, but this is really how it feels.

I've been trying to work on this part of myself, and reading about it in some books to see if I can change the way I react. This has led me to thinking and listening more to how my parents are and have been with me when I was growing up. I did not have the kind of childhood where I was pushed to achieve as such or to follow a particular profession etc, so this feels almost fraudulent - I wasn't tutored to within an inch of my life or anything. However, looking back I was very much expected to be a certain way - to be good, to have a better life than my parents, to make them proud. I was a high achiever at school and very well behaved - almost like a Stepford child! I found it hard to relate to other children at times, although I wasn't short of friends I always felt different. In some ways I had to look after my parents at times - they thought I understood things better than they did because I was 'bright' - for example, my Dad is severely dyslexic and I remember filling in forms for him or working out payments for him at a very young age. My mum is physically disabled, so to be naughty would be to upset her because she was ill and could do without it.

When I listen to my mum talk about things now, she is very black and white about people - they only have to do one thing she judges to be wrong and bang - she cuts them out completely. I have watched various people idolised and then demonised. This sounds childish, but I completely fear being demonised by my mum - there would be no middle ground. Even typing this is making my chest feel tight. I fear doing the wrong thing in her eyes. She can also overtly criticise me - I recently scored 93% in an exam which I was very proud of and when I told her she replied 'show off.'

That said, my parents are not ogres - they can also be kind and generous. They didn't have great upbringings themselves. They weren't abusive and gave us lots materially in the context of us not having much money i.e. lots of sacrifices were made for us. I just want to stop feeling so hemmed in - I long to feel comfortable being me. I tried it once when I was a teenager and it resulted in me becoming depressed and referred to CAMHS, they then wanted to meet with my whole family. My parents went, but I could feel the embarrassment and disapproval from my mum, I couldn't talk and I refused to go back again and internalised it all because I felt I was upsetting my mum. My brother on the other hand is very good at doing whatever he wants and sod everyone else - my mum often runs him and my SIL down to me.

I don't know what I want from this post, but I feel like these realisations are diving me crazy. Am I just being oversensitive? Avoiding responsibility? Can this ever change? I'm sorry for the long post, I just had to get this all out - I feel like I'm losing it and at risk of running away from everything because I just don't feel good enough.

Stopthisnoise.
From your post it does sound as though there may be real issues with regards to your mum, not just you being oversensitive. I think it is possible for things to change for you, although your mum may not change the way she behaves.
My suggestion would be to look for some counselling in order to sort out the way you are feeling and reacting. You could try getting some via your GP or pay for it if you are able. You DONT NEED TO TELL YOUR MUM YOU ARE HAVING COUNSELLING! In fact given your description of the way she seems to "judge" people it might well be wiser not to tell her!
By the way, seeking counselling does not make you somehow weak or inadequate (in case that is the kind of thing your DM might say about it!). Actually it takes quite a bit of strength to admit to the way you are feeling rather than trying to ignore it or sweep it under the carpet.
You sound very thoughtful and aware of the emotional dynamics going on. I think being able to talk to a counsellor would help you not to feel like you were losing it!

Stopthisnoise it could be that it is your mum, though maybe or maybe not in the sense of her being to blame. It sounds like she was trying hard to raise you so that you would have a better life than her and that often means living up to high standards! It also sounds like she achieved that and you're doing great at work. A lot of successful people have a feeling of unworthiness, that they'll be found out as being a fraud at some point. Although it's a bit of a generalisation, from my experience of discussing this with friends, this feeling is more common among women and also men who have achieved beyond their parents / background level. I think educatingarti's suggestion of counselling is a good idea, without telling your mum. As well as dealing with your family background, perhaps you could address how you feel about your job, lifestyle, friends etc. It does help to think, "this isn't such a big deal as I thought it was". If personal counselling is too difficult to jump into, you might want to consider some career coaching. You don't say how old you are but career coaching can be very beneficial in letting you know that you are not alone in how you feel about your work, lots of other people do too. This is a common focus for career coaching because being a perfectionist can hold you back as your career progresses - perfectionists sometimes overlook the importance of building networks and can be difficult managers. It is not as intense as personal counselling so it might be an easier starting place. Good luck!

OP I believe that the way we think affects the way we feel, and that it is possible (but not necessarily easy) to change the way we think. I agree with others that some type of therapy would be a great way to help you understand more about the way you think (sounds like you have already made inroads into this), and to look at ways of changing this.

In addition the way you think is influenced to a greater or lesser degree by your upbringing. So, your m&d will certain ally have influenced your mindset.

Good luck with all this.

I recently scored 93% in an exam which I was very proud of and when I told her she replied 'show off.'

This stood out for me because my mother is very similar. Working hard and doing well was dismissed as it was what I was expected to do anyway, doing really well demonstrated I was 'up myself'. It was impossible to be good enough. For example at GCSEs I got all As and Bs, which in a sink comp was an achievement. My family were really pleased, which seemed to annoy her, so she took me aside a few days later and asked me with a sad smile whether I'd really done my best or could I have worked harder and got all As? Had I got 100% A-grades I no doubt would have 'thought I was special'! She was constantly hovering to pick up on mistakes on the most minor things in order to say 'see, you're not as smart as you think you are.'

Like you I struggle very badly with perfectionism. I'm often very surprised at work when people are happy with what I produce - I'm just too used to criticism, and I also have the inner critical voice. I'd recommend a book by Karyl McBride called 'Will I ever be good enough?' which specifically deals with mother/daughter relationships like yours. I found it extremely helpful.

Other than that, I recommend the mantra 'Great is the enemy of good'. You can be so paralysed by the fear of not getting it perfect, that you fail to get it done, even though it's very good.

Thank you for all the replies, there is a lot to think about there. I have been looking into some therapy/counselling because I do recognise that there is a lot I can do about how I feel.

Catkins, your story really resonates with me - My mum told me she was really really pleased when I failed my driving test as she wanted me to experience failure. The reality is I was so paralysed by someone watching me drive that I could hardly breathe in case I got it wrong. I will look up that book it sounds good.