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Original poster

What to do when you bring absolutely nothing to the relationship??

23 replies

NothingToGive · 31/07/2012 18:35

I dont feel like I can offer anything to dp. He's amazing and I really do adore him, but I'm finding it more and more obvious I'm a mess, rely on him heavily and cannot give him anything in return.

I dont know how to explain without giving THE LONGEST OP EVER!! but basically I'm lone parent and have been with dp 7 months..during this time we have been out on 1 date. I dont have a very good support network and ds's dad is not involved so dp has to come round and stay in every time. He comes round 2-4 nights a week. The L word has been said and him and ds are besotted with each other.(another thing that freaks me out)

I work part time but and do live hand to mouth and everything he suggests I can never afford to do. He is paying for us to all go on holiday in Oct. (I am taking spending money and try not to scrounge)

I am a terrible cook and he is a head chef so usually takes over and cooks every time as its awful otherwise.

I just feel more and more worthless the more time goes on. Is there anything I can do? I feel like its unhealthy.

Urghh I dont like feeling like this

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 31/07/2012 18:38

You know what? You need to stop thinking so badly of yourself! He must be really, really keen on you and your DS to come round 2-4 nights a week and do the cooking, and to take you both on holiday!

Why do you feel so low about your achievements and contribution to your relationship? What would you like to change about yourself?

MamaCross · 31/07/2012 18:38

I could have written your post! We're married now, and it's bliss. All I really bring to our marriage is my full-on support in everything he does, love, respect and affection. It seems to be enough. He is with you because that's where he wants to be. He wouldn't pay for your holiday if he didn't want to. Sounds like he enjoys you, your DS, and your relationship, so you should enjoy it too Smile

MamaCross · 31/07/2012 18:39

Forgot to add - I don't cook either. He does most of the shopping too. I do all the housework, and we make each other laugh so much. It's wonderful and you really do need to just step back and realise that he's doing all this because he loves you.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 31/07/2012 18:41

Stop beating yourself up. He obviously likes you and is showing his commitment by doing the things he does. Take a step back and do some work on your self worth. Learn how to value yourself.

PoshPaula · 31/07/2012 18:42

No-one is forcing him to come round to yours and he is choosing to be in this relationship. He could love you for your qualities rather than (what you might see as) assets - enjoy it!

messyisthenewtidy · 31/07/2012 18:48

Maybe he just likes your personality!

I'd stop worrying about changing yourself to please him, but I'd worry about having such low self-esteem. Are you happy with yourself and if not, what would you like to change?

queenofthepirates · 31/07/2012 19:01

Are you kidding? He gets two super people for the price of one! (kind of...) He probably thinks you're an amazing mum and loves you for it as well as all of your other fabulous qualities.

Work on your self esteem sweetie, take a look at your achievements in the past and how you've got there and be proud. Set some challenges for yourself, learn something new. Look at your kid and remember you did all that.

Original poster
NothingToGive · 31/07/2012 19:05

oops I'm welling up.

I'm so sorry to not reply straight away, I'm waiting for ds to go to bed so i'm not blubbing in front of him.

Thank you will be back in half hour

OP posts:
queenrollo · 31/07/2012 19:38

your OP is basically a description of my life 5 years ago......we're now happily married and expecting our first child together. He still does most of the cooking, my shared care arrangements with ex mean that I can't even work so DH supports me and my DS completely.
I used to think the same as you.....what I have got to offer?
Well....love, companionship, support, laughter...just being me, that makes my DH happy. He says he's the happiest he's ever been. He even moved 200 miles to be with us.

EclecticShock · 31/07/2012 19:42

I'm sure there's lots of things you bring to the relationship. Stop comparing yourself with him. It's not a competition, we all have different strengths.

Original poster
NothingToGive · 31/07/2012 20:23

Thank you all so much, I dont feel like I can talk in RL..

I just dont know what to say, I didnt realise I had any self esteem or confidence issues until now.

And I'm really pleased to see its worked out for others when they've felt like I do now, Can I ask if you still feel it? If you dont what happened to change how you felt?

I've been feeling like it for ages but suddenly today I just seem to be going over and over it

OP posts:
Original poster
NothingToGive · 31/07/2012 20:30

I feel like he has given up his life of nights out to stay in with me because I cant ever get babysitters, or afford it even if I could. We started off paying half towards everything but he earns a heck of a lot more than me and we either go without or he pays now, I hate it.

I feel like I owe him a favour for being with me. Surely thats not normal?

fwiw, He's the 1st boyfriend since split with ex p, almost 4 years ago now. not sure if that makes a difference? I used to be very proud that I was independent and somehow I've become a different person

OP posts:
Original poster
NothingToGive · 31/07/2012 20:32

I dont feel like I have any control...

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 31/07/2012 20:41

Sounds like you don't feel you deserve him. You have to let go of that and let him decide.

Original poster
NothingToGive · 31/07/2012 21:03

easier said than done Confused

OP posts:
nkf · 31/07/2012 21:06

You probably make him feel happy, relaxed and comfortable. Be kind to yourself. He likes you. Loves you. Enjoy it.

Sallyingforth · 31/07/2012 22:38

He loves you. And he loves your DS too. He wouldn't do that if you were worthless. Be happy and glad. That's all he wants from you. :)

EclecticShock · 31/07/2012 22:43

Please listen to the advice in this on this thread. You are giving, you just maybe can't see it? :)

Yama · 31/07/2012 22:50

It's you he wants - clearly. Not stuff which can come and go. It's the person he wants.

I can understand you feeling vulnerable though. When you were independent, you weren't risking getting hurt. Have a bit of faith in him. And yourself. And by the way, we all have vulnerable moments.

ladyWordy · 01/08/2012 00:50

Hi NothingToGive (not true by the way)

Going against the grain a little here as the picture seems a slightly off somewhere.

You said:
I just feel more and more worthless the more time goes on. Is there anything I can do? I feel like its unhealthy.

When you have a good relationship with someone, in my mind, the opposite happens. If I can be Mills-and-Boon-y a second, we normally grow in the light of love. We don't diminish. We don't feel worse. We come out like a flower because someone sees us in that special light.

You also said:
I used to be very proud that I was independent and somehow I've become a different person

I'm finding it more and more obvious I'm a mess.

Now why is that. How did you feel before the relationship? Did you think you were OK then? Or has something changed?

Couple of other things ? he can afford a holiday (brilliant) but not a babysitter. Just one night out in all that time? It's unusual.

Finally, are you OK with him taking over the cooking? It seems natural I know, and chances are you just feel relieved. But there's a piece of me that isn't keen on someone taking something over, however reasonable it looks. The point is, how you feel about it.

The above is not an interrogation and you don't have to answer my thoughts. I just put them there so you can clarify how you feel, in yourself.

If you are happy, glowing, but can't believe your luck, that is a good thing. Feeling it's unhealthy is not so good?. that's all I'm trying to say.

applecustard · 01/08/2012 02:17

Am another one who was in your position a few years ago, and am now happily married. I was a LP for 7 years and like you, I become fiercely independent when you are on your own with a child for so long, so I understand that it's hard to let go.

It sounds like your doubts are coming from yourself and how you perceive yourself, rather than him, and I agree it would be good to do something to help your self esteem. I understand that it's hard to get out to do things as a LP, but can you spend time doing something that would challenge you? I went back to study and it made a huge difference to how I viewed myself.

I also think you're being too hard on yourself in trying to contribute equally. There is a big difference between paying halves and contributing fairly. You're in a situation where your DP seems happy to contribute more financially, because his finances can bear it. DH now pays for all of our living costs while supporting me to study f/t and doesn't begrudge it a bit.

It does seem a shame that you can't afford babysitters to go out - has your DP ever offered to cover those costs or is it that you wouldn't want him to pay? DH would pay for sitters so we could go out on dates as it's something that we both got enjoyment from. In the long run it was good for both me and DS because it helped nurture the relationship and made it secure enough to give him a new father figure; I can see that it wouldn't seem like too much fun to always be sitting at home.

I think there is often an unfortunate message in society that people who can't contribute as much financially are worthless (there can be some nasty views on that on mn) but you need to learn to recognise that you are making a worthwhile contribution by raising a wonderful child and bringing happiness to your DP.

MilkshakeMaker · 01/08/2012 22:03

I have to say I agree LadyWorthy..

nkf · 02/08/2012 07:48

Ladyworthy raises interesting points. One of the good things about MN is the wide range of views.

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