for once i don't know what to say

[Dprince]

Hi all
It doesn't happened often but I don't know what to say to my friend:). Admittedly, what I usually say may not be what they want to hear, but when asked for my opinion i always try to honest.
However i am not sure i should in this situation. I have a friend a few years older than me and she has been married 20 years. I have never really liked her dh, i find him over 'friendly', for example at a Christmas gathering last year he kept putting his arms round me. I asked him to stop as it made me uncomfortable. He apologised then grabbed my bum. I was mortified. She called me the next day apologised and insisted its just his sense of humour.
Anyway, she has found out he has been having an affair for 15 years. The OW told her the plan was for this man to stay with my friend until the kids left home then he would be leaving and marrying the OW. However he has called the affair off. He told the OW it was because she hadn't aged as well as his dw (my friend).
My friend has confronted him and he has admitted everything the OW has said. But told her that he has decided to make his marriage work instead of leaving. He even admitted his decision was based on the fact my friend has aged well and is more attractive. OW, in anger, contacted my friend.
Anyway my friend is now deciding what to do. In my heart of hearts i think she will forgive him. I also think he will do it again. Here is the problem. She has asked my opinion on if she should forgive him. So far i have given very non committal responses, things like 'its only a decision you can make' and told her I will support her whatever she does.
But I know her and she is really pushing for me to give my opinion. I don't want to tell her my opinion which is that he is a lying, creepy twat and that she should 'leave the bastard' :) as I think she will forgive him and I think it will be the end of our friendship if I am completely honest. However, I don't want to lie either. I worry that my support of him may make her decide to take him back.
I like to think I have an answer for everything :) but I really struggling with this one.
Does anyone have any advice?
Oh, thanks for reading. Hope it makes sense.

I'd say "She deserves better and you are happy to be her rock if she decides to kick him out but it's her decision and you will be there for her to lean on whenever she needs you regardless of her choice."

I'd tell her - she knows it anyway, but tell her what you think of him, hes a cunt - he chose his wife because she aged better???? Fuck, id not even have to ask. What an utter twat

I would say I think I would struggle trusting someone who cheated on me. He was having a double life for 15 yrs. She will rewrite their history, she'll be forever going back thinking "oh is that why he left the dinner early? Was he really working late that night..."

Thank you for your replies. I like the 'you deserve better but..'
Lucy I know, what a thing to say and admit to. He thinks its a valid reason as well. My friend is quite shy and has fairly low self esteem. She actually thinks the fact he chose her because her looks is a compliment.

I'd be totally honest and say to her that she might not like the answer but if you were in her position you'd "leave the bastard" :)

What a creep!

I think you can only say what you would do in that situation, rather than phrasing it as "I think you should...". That way you can be truthful, without telling her what to do or being judgemental. Obviously make it clear that you will support her whatever she decides. If her self-esteem / confidence is low, she may need to hear from you that she is doing 'the right thing' in order to find the strength to leave / kick him out.

He's sacked the ow after 15 years dutiful service?

He's got a vacancy that he'll be filling in the very near future and your friend needs to be aware that, if the lucky candidate ages better that her predecessor, she may find herself redundant.

What an absolute sleazebag he is... I feel exceedingly sorry for you friend.

In the interests of what's sauce for the goose poetic justice, can you hook her up with a decent guy who doesn't suffer from wandering eyes/hands syndrome?

She is very attractive and only 44, I think she thinks she is too old to meet someone new. Although to be really honest, she is really worried about the drop in lifestyle. He earns a massive amount. Bit so does she. She is convinced he will get a better solicitor and take her to the cleaners, as he has threatened to do so because it will be embarrassing for him if they get divorced.
I went round to see her last night he was leaving as I went in and he 'reminded' me how embarrassing it would be for both of them to get divorced. Then smiled and said 'have a lovely evening' really loud, I assume so she could hear.
I really fucking HATE him, when he came home he offered to pay for us to go out for a meal at the weekend so we could chat more and he would babysit my kids. I was gobsmacked. Neither of them have every babysat and i wouldn't leave him with my kids for the winning euro millions ticket.

izzy I know a few blokes who would be talking over themselves to take her out. She just doesn't see it. She thinks he is the best she can do.

Falling not talking.

Well I can understand why she is dithering if he is all she has known for the last 20 years.

I am afraid I would be quite blunt with her. If she stays with him she will have to be aware that any day he decides he wants to he will leave her for someone better looking, dumping her quicker than she can blink.

He will also happily dip his wick in anyone and everyone he wants to. Why shouldn't he she has shown him it is acceptable

If she can live with that then go for it.

Personally I really think she would be better sending him back to OW.

Please also suggests she gets an STI test. If he can lie to her for 15 years how many others may there have been?

I would say 'There's a really good website called Mumsnet. And on Mumsnet there's a really good Relationships topic. And on that topic there's some really wise women who would be more than willing to help' her to leave the bastard

i would probably say something like - if he has cheated on you once he probably will again

ultimately she will do what she wants to do - people rarely take advice imo

I would ask her honestly, if she would geniunely be happy to live with the fact that he cheated on her - no, led a double life - for so long. And may well do it again.
I would ask her if she was genuinely happy with the reason he gave for 'choosing' her over the OW,
And if she was happy to stay with him.
I would ask her if she was scared of that huge change in her life if they did split up, because 20 years is a very long time and she might well be afraid of what it would be like. I know I would be.

I'd also give my honest opinion, I wouldn't be horrible about it, but i'd want her to hear it from an outsiders point of view, because it will be very very different in her mind than in yours.

Your friend's been married 20 years, has dc, and he's admitted/she has evidence of adultery.

If anyone's going to be taken to the cleaner's via the divorce courts it'll be him that's hung out to dry.

So she knows he's in the market for a younger woman, but she's planning to stick around until he finds one to dump her for?

Got to laugh at the stupid bitch who thought she was the preferred option getting dumped for the wife :o

After 15 years! What a complete idiot.

I don't know how you are managing to sound neutral on this.

He sounds like the bad, sleazy guy in a Jilly Cooper novel.

Just utterly vile.

izzy I have told her that. I think she is scared
athing I am not neutral, but trying my best to be. I hate him. I think he is partly to blame for her confidence issues. Imo he is EA.
I am worries that if I tell her straight, she will stay with him and distance herself from me. Leaving her quite isolated.
as for the OW I don't know if I should feel sorry for her or not. She, apparently, didn't know he was married for the first 2 years. She has wasted 15 years of her life to be told 'you look to old, now'.
On the other hand she was really awful she contacted my friend and has sent her several nasty emails since. Also as she did know he was married for the majority of the affair she is also to blame. He is a TWAT, I wish she could see it on her own. Even the kids (teenagers) don't like him.

She's lucky to have you as a friend :)

Thanks athing. I feel a bit of a let down at the moment.

I am afraid I would have to ask her to consider one thing

Why on earth would she even consider staying with a man that hates women so much ?

Holy molony, there are some real entitled cunts out there.

I would risk my friendship to get her the fuck out of there as quickly as possible.

Get her on MN. Get her to start a thread. Anyfucker will sort her out

My first reaction is to say tell her to get out. But do you really know what goes on in their marriage. After 20 years & children(?), perhaps suggesting counselling (relate will see one partner on their own if the other refuses)might help your friend to think about what she wants/needs. "Taking him to the cleaners " type of advice isn't really helpful if they have been together for 20+ years there will be all sorts of repercussions for their families.

I would buy her the Shirley Glass book tbh and try not to give her too much advice. But be a listening ear as she struggles right now with it all

That book helped me realise my marriage wasn't salvageable after the affair, it helps you ask some difficult questions. Not sure anything my friends said would have helped me quite the same.

Under the circumstances, I'd be telling her she must make the decision herself. Even although I would know what I thought. Which would be get out. He sounds horrible.

I would say that some women can cope with the situation where their H plays away, some women don't want that to be their lives. Tell her that you personally couldn't live like that, but you appreciate that not all people feel or think the same and that you will always respect her whatever her decision.

Unless, of course, you think she is actually seeking permission to bin him??

Have you suggested counselling to her - not couples counselling, but some for her?

For myself, I think he is a wanker of the highest order.