When is enough enough - need opinions

[waterwatereverywhere]

I've not posted in relationships before but I need some independent opinions on wywd.

Married to dh for nearly 10 yrs. 2 dc's.
18 months ago he lost his job (partly his own fault, partly recession) With no work out there he went self employed. I was on maternity leave with a 3 mnth old and 17 mnth old so not really able to offer much support other than moral and emotional. I returned to work (nights to save on childcare) to support us. The business failed, losing a lot of money and leaving a lot of debt.

7 months ago he returned to an employed job but is still paying off enormous debts. I am now working f/t to support us and our dc's, while managing the house, bills, childcare and everything else.

For 18 months he has done nothing at home. Very little with the kids. Lies to me about his finances (he says they are HIS debts, HIS problem and will not share), Lies to me about his whereabouts, disappears out for 'half an hour', returns after 4 hrs etc etc. He is disrespectful, impatient, generally unpleasant. When he is around we walk on eggshells around him. I know he is stressed and very low but for 18 months he has pushed me away and shunned my help. My feelings towards him are pretty much empty.

I'm at the end of my tether. Last night I looked at my options as a single person and felt sure it was what I wanted.
Then he came home, shaking, distressed and with the revelation that he was about to lose everything. He thinks he will be made redundant again, that his debts wont be paid and he'll lose me.

The cynic in me says he's only had the 'revelation' because he needs me if he does lose his job. But now I don't feel able to tell him I want to finish things.

WWYD? Give him the benefit of the doubt? See if things improve and feelings return. Right now I know I can't handle any more stress, problems and certainly not another redundancy. Should I be more supportive (I vowed richer poorer etc) or is there only so much anyone can take?

Well, I wouldn't "see if things improve". I might give him an ultimatum - either he stops lying and being unpleasant (tell him why he is making you walk on eggshells) and helps around the house, or you split up.

You can only help people who want to be helped, and he sounds like he doesn't. From your post, you have been plenty supportive already.

I think enough is enough at this point, and I'd probably get rid of him, but that's easy to say when you aren't the person doing it.

That's a lot for you to cope with.

Disappearing for half an hour? then coming home in distressed state? is he gambling?

You need to get the debts sorted out - or rather, he does. I recommend The National debt line, they give free advice. Also payplan or the CCCS - they will be able to offer several options. We have a debt management plan in place that has literally saved our relationship. We use payplan and are basically paying off multiple creditors (varying amounts) approx £15,000 for £100 a month over 11 years. It is managable and it freezes interest, stops creditors pestering. Most of all, i am fully aware of our rights and take no shite from creditors with regards to being forced into making payments we can't afford. This really made such a huge difference to us, we were ready to sell up and call it quits we really were at the end of our tethers, its so so awful. They wont deal with priority debts such as mortgage, tax and utilities but they will give advice on how to deal with it and talk you through.

I think you should give it a go TOGETHER to sort the debts before you call time, you sit down, tell your DH that you mean what you say, he lays it all on the table regarding the debts or you walk.

I used to say id live in a shed with DP that love conquers all, but im here to tell you, there is nothing more stressful than unmanagable debt and DP and I would have separated by now if we hadn't sorted it. We have been in the management plan for about a year and its made so much difference. PM me if you want specific advice, please, i dont mind.

There will be many options available to you, but if i were you the first thing id do would be to try and get interest frozen etc.

Thank you - unfortunately he has left it so late to take advice that things have gone way past where I was prepared to help - debts are now in the hands of baillifs, debt recovery companies etc. And he simply will not talk to me about it.

I know he is ashamed/embarrassed that he has got in this mess.

The disappearing is to the pub where he pretends to his mates that life is perfect. he has a fantasy life going on there where me, him and the kids are the perfect family. (he admitted this last night although I kind of already knew) He does this because those few hours in the pub are more pleasant than coming home and facing reality, the post and the answer phone messages. All the while he does this he drives a bigger wedge between us.

I already did the ultimatum (he moved out for a few weeks earlier this year) came back and promised everything would change. It just got worse. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like I have held it all together for so long that its only going to take one small thing before I crack...

Oh gosh important so sorry. Do tell him about the national debt line though as in the long run will be easier for you. As you are in the home a really important bit of advice is do Not let the bailiff in. You do Not have to let them in but once they have been in they can take your things. some of them are reasonable others a shower of shit . I think you need to get legal advice quickly regarding protecting your property. So very sorry for both of you actually .

Bloody phone important = i`m