Please give me an acceptable reason for this

[reignoffire]

About 18 months ago, I found about 20 photos of my DH's penis, on the camera, in various states, some erect, some not erect. There were no photos of his face, just his 'bits'.

They were taken when I was 7 months pregnant with our first DC.

When I confronted him about them, he said he'd taken them to send me, while I was in hospital having our baby (although the photos were dated a couple of months before). I never received these photos.

I've never forgotten them, but so much has happened since (and if you recognise me, please don't out me), that the photos have seemed so trivial in the scheme of things.

I was thinking about them again (I've never really accepted his excuse), and went to some sex dating sites. I put his email address in the forgotten form, and no results - so relaxed.

I've just stumbled across XHamster.com (via some photos), and put his email in the forgot password form there - lo and behold he has an account. I checked with mine, and it doesn't recognise it, so he must have an account there.

Looking at it, it seems harmless, just porn. But to look at the porn, you don't need an account - you only need that if you are looking for a sex partner. Looking through some of the profiles, there are a lot of 'penis' shots, exactly the style of his ones.

He is obviously going to know that I'm the one who asked for his password, and I know he will brush it under the carpet. I don't know what to say, and really want to check that there are no reasonable explanations to this?

The site, is aimed at those, for whom a vanilla 1/1 sexual relationship is not enough anymore, like wise those who are bored of "vanilla" porn as well mew.

Certainly not vanilla but that is horrible. I suppose each to their own, I would have many people probably saying the same about my own likes.

But YY, the offer still stands if you would like proof.

Yeah it's supposed to be. It's for people who have exhausted all realms of "normal" porn amd those who need the real life connection with like minds. Bunch of fucking pervs on there. I'm telling ya.

Just for you and the situation, hugs.

You know he will just deny deny deny and turn it on you. You are worth so much more x

I'm going out on a limb here but I don't think ANYONE on MN can tell you whether your partner intended to cheat or not. We don't know him, we don't know you, and in my experience there are lots (and lots!) of men who are fascinated by all kinds of porn and might very well sign up to a site just to see what it's like/ to get a kick. People are complex! They don't fit Mumsnet rules! A very honest, porn-addicted male friend of mine has signed up to just about everything there is, just for the thrill... but he has NEVER met anyone in real life. Even though some of these sites allow you to, do you really think most men would do this?! It's just a fantasy, and the fact that you "could" meet up with someone means that the thrill and the fantasy is more real.

If he used the photos to post on this web site (or another web site) then - even though it's something that I personally find quite disgusting - I STILL don't think it proves anything other than a guy living out a fantasy online. Putting the photos online, and knowing women will see them, is dangerous etc, but I honest to god still don't think that any of us can say he would have met someone.
Yes, most women would ask "why put your intimate photos online if you don't want to follow through??" but most men DO NOT THINK LIKE THAT when they're caught up in a fantasy.

I just can't believe the strength of opinion being expressed on here by some people who don't know you and don't know your partner. But I guess that's what MN is known for.

I do have one opinion, which is that he lied when he said the photos are for you. But I couldn't possibly say whether he wants to cheat. None of us could without knowing about a million extra facts!

:(

I had similar happen with my ex, he kept denying everything and then I found an "adultfriendfinder" account, once I found out the username for that, I put the same username in Google and found a few other sites. He denied everything and then turned and told me he was in love with someone whom he had been talking to online but hadn't cheated on me. Thought we got past it .

I found out a couple of months ago he actually cheated on me quite a bit in the time we were together.

There are a 'million other facts' from the plethora of other threads from this OP. Putting cock pictures on the internet are the least of this poster's problems, although on its own it's a sackable offence. I know there really are some idiot handmaidens out there like I suggested in my earlier post who will say that this is just 'men being men' and put up with this sort of behaviour in the men they are partnered with. More fool them and their friends who think this is acceptable behaviour.

The people I feel most sorry for are the OP's children. They are not being protected by either the OP or the sleazebag she's married to. It's a dreadful combination for children to have as parents: a cheating gaslighter for a father and a mother who likes being a victim, evoking sympathy from people, can't give up her addiction to a horrible man and puts her need for a relationship first before the needs of her children.

This is not some sort of weird 'judgement' from Mumsnet. This is the judgement any sane woman would make about any friend who was involved with a man who does this - and the other things the OP has detailed on other threads. If any poster finds this mass condemnation strange, best to review your own thinking and what you're prepared to put up with in a relationship, or think is normal behaviour for friends.

Cherriesontop,
Your post reads as if the lying, the defensiveness, the anger when questioned., the lack of any kind of honest, open communication is fine as long as he isn't actually fucking anyone.

I don't know the op. I responded to what she posted. Which is that she doesn't trust him, he berates her if she asks questions and she is deeply uncomfortable about his behaviour.

Where he choses to place his penis is not the only measure of his worth as a life partner.

No can do, sorry

I remember you

I feel very sorry for you

But we can't help you

OP I'm not familiar with your history like the others here, but I have read through this thread and one thing stands out for me.
He won't let you see his internet history
If he has done nothing seriously wrong then there is no earthly reason why he shouldn't leave that open for you to see. Even if he's ashamed of browsing a few porn sites he ought to be able to let you see to reassure you there is nothing worse.
I'm sorry but I think you have to expect the worst.

you KNOW...so why keep on asking.

He's not suddenly going to turn into a lovel,y, caring, honest man just because you wish it.

At some point surely you have to make a decision...either his behaviour (documented on this and other threads) is bad enough for you to remove yourself and your DCs from his immediate environment, or you decide to stick with the status quo and make a life as best you can. No one can do this for you...only you.

So have a sit down, list everything from all your threads and stick your head in your hands and consider your options for a bit instead of panicking to MN then hiding your head in the sand. Your children can't make this decision, we can't make this decision...only you can. And then you get to live it. One way or the other.

OP I really feel for you - but like most people are saying, you know the answer to this already. There is no good reason for him making you feel bad about this stuff, if he was not up to something dodgy he would be trying to reassure you and make things better. Instead he continues to be defensive, and you think he is going to say you are mad if confronted...

Men do sometimes do strange things, especially on the internet (and so do women, my DP thinks it is very suspicious how much time I spend on MN!) but not being honest about it sets the alarm bells ringing for me.

And please get tested for STDs.