choosing to be alone

[unloveable]

I just joined mumsnet and am looking for support/advice.

My partner of nearly 5 years (we are not married) announced a couple of weeks ago that he wanted to end the relationship. We have a 2 year old son born in Janaury 2010. I feel scared and hurt and desperately sad but we are trying to sort things out so that we will live near each other and can share custody.

My now ex fell in love with me when I had been single for a while. When I am on my own I seem to grow happy and confident but in relationships I fall apart. I give too much, become a doormat and cannot handle conflict. So I desperately desperately try to make everything perfect for my other half and, inevitably, fail to express my own needs, lose my self confidence and become anxious and on edge the whole time. Not attractive!

I am 40 now and my relationships always fail. I am at my best when on my own and I am wondering if that is how I should just keep it. I can then devote myself to my son and I think I will be stronger this way. I do fear loneliness but I think there is less to fear from that than from the pain and fallout from another doomed relationship. I went through a horrible divorce and am now going through this. I cannot take it a third time but it would happen if I did not break the pattern I have developed of becoming an anxious drip in a relationship.

If I choose this path I figure I can still date and maybe even enjoy a couple of flings but I will avoid the "emotional intimacy" which I cannot seem to handle. It goes without saying that I would like "true love" but, at this point, I think it might be healthier to accept that is not going to happen. I also need to consider my son's needs and, if his mother is most stable alone then that must be best for him.

Has anyone else chosen this path? Are you truly happy with it?

Rather than deciding the problem is yours, have you considered that you've just been unlucky in your choice of partner? It's not uncommon for people to keep choosing the same sort of characteristics in a partner and, in your case, if you go for the type of man that has traits such as being selfish, demanding, critical, argumentative or taking you for granted, which in turn make you anxious & needy you may be wrongly misinterpreting that as your fault.

I would therefore say yes to enjoying some independence. Go out on dates because it's good practice meeting lots of different types of men. Build your confidence. Learn to like yourself more than you like others. At the same time maybe try to work out what your exes have in common and see if there's some underlying trait that you've been overlooking.

Thanks Olympics.

I sort of just feel that the common thread is me but maybe it is my choices.

I have thought of counselling but am sceptical that it works.