I had a very painful breakup 3.5 years ago, my partner of 16 years had an affair with a colleague, left and they are now married. He was a nightmare, tried to take all he could I had to fight him tooth and nail for settlement, I had just been made redundant at work so all of my payout went in to our settlement pool and I was penniless and out of work. He did the whole MIL think of demonising me and treating me as though it were I that had betrayed him. It was incredibly traumatic for me and has taken all this time to realise that it actually triggered me in to Post Traumatic Shock. So many of the incidents that occurred during our break up were reminiscent of my childhood. He would come to the house and demand that I agree to his terms, becoming increasingly threatening with each visit. I grew increasingly afraid of him, and would be a blubbering, hysterical panicking mess within minutes. My own childhood had been fraught. My mother is mentally ill and my Dad was NPD. My mother would fly in to rages and attack without warning, my dad had to be obeyed at all times without question. He left when I was six. One evening my mother went to my grandmothers house and there was a knock on the door, I was alone for some reason. I opened the door and my Dad was there. I was delighted to see him and thought that he was coming home, I let him in. He made small talk with me for a minute and then very sweetly asked me if I had a black crayon he could borrow, I went and looked for one but couldn?t find black so I loaned him a red one. He thanked me and then proceeded to write his name all over the walls of the house, all over any surface that would take it basically. I was frozen with terror. When he was finished he said ?Now you tell your mother that everything is mine, and I?ve written my name on it in case she forgets it?. He left. He left me to face what I knew would be a crazed mother; he left me knowing it was my fault, my crayon, me that let him in. Sure enough, I was held to blame. It was one incident of many. I didn?t? make the connection until very recently, but that is the feelings evoked when my X suddenly became a stranger overnight. He went from the man professing his love for me and his undying loyalty to our family and his commitment to ?sweep the streets if he had to? to make sure his kids were always taken care of, to a monster, and in the face of that I was again a terrified 6 year old.
So, last Friday he called me to tell me that his now wife is 3 months pregnant. For the first time in 3.5 years he spoke to me like a reasonable person, and didn?t treat me as if I were a lowlife. I?ve come to realise since we split up, that he is NPD and that the he moved across the spectrum of NPD disorder when his affair was discovered, apparently he is now back in the more manageable just selfish range. He told our two girls about the baby over the weekend. They are excited, the oldest one is a bit wary (she?s 14), the youngest one is thinking of it like a new puppy and is over the moon (she?s 10). I of course am processing a million emotions about it, I?m worried about how my X will handle it, how his new wife will change towards them, I?m worried about their entitlements if anything happens to him. For myself, I am worried about them wanting to spend more time with them and less with me, I?m worried about not being able to compete with their big salaries, big house, big family support network (she has incredible family support). I?m worried that after 3.5 years of struggling to fight off his irrational attacks and demands for money, striving to rebuild our lives, get us a new home, and do all in my power to provide a stable life for us all, that once again I?m on the verge of having my life collapse again.
I am terrified that having lost a partner, that I will now lose my kids.
I asked them tonight if they would want to spend more time with their Dad when the baby was born, the older one said hmmmmmmmmmmm maybe, if he wasn?t so far away. The youngest one (who is on a high about the baby and moving to our new house) said oh maybe we could do a week there and a week with you, maybe we can sleep in the hospital when the baby is born (another hurt for me , she?s having the baby in a private hospital, he wouldn?t allow me to because he said it was a waste of money ? even though he works in private health insurance), she became very excited and kept asking me if I?d texted him. It was more than I could take. I was so hurt. I felt so disposable and worthless again. He had spent a year having an affair, never coming home before they were in bed, then left and refused to see them unless I worked full time, then would only see them on Monday /Tuesday nights, then lied to them until a week before his wedding, then moved 1.5 hours away to be near her family rather than staying near them. But after all that, I still don?t count for any more. I am so hurt and exhausted. I know they have a right to a great relationship with their dad, I know they deserve to feel loved and cherished, I know they should feel excited about having a new sibling, I know it will be good for them to have a new person in their life to love and be loved by. But I am still hurt. It is my fear of abandonment rearing it?s head again. I find it profoundly painful, the thought of losing them. The divided home is devastating enough. The concept of them having family that has no connection to be is somewhat baffling also.
I know this is just another thing that I must find a way to work through, but I am struggling tonight. I had to apologise to the kids, I should never have asked the question. I knew they were excited, and I knew the younger one in particular would give a hasty idealised answer as that is her nature. It was like I set them up, but that wasn?t my intention. I told them it was wrong of me to ask a question and then give a negative response (becoming emotional) because they answered me. We all ended up having a cry, it?s been an emotionally charged week. We found our we?re moving, found out about the baby, and tonight they even found out that they might be meeting one of their favourite celebrities as one of their school friends dads works in the music industry, the oldest also got her first period last week. So it has been a very big 7 days and emotions were running high.
What a dump this has been. I needed to lay it all out. I am very frightened of losing them.