DH wants to end our marriage

[friendlyfaces]

Earlier this year, my dad died in horrendous circumstances. It was a huge shock and I received counselling for this. I also found out about half siblings that I was unaware of. It has put a big strain on me emotionally and has, without doubt affected my marriage. My DH also has depression which he has not dealt with.

DH and I married last year, having known one another for 15 years - We were together as a couple for about a 18 months before getting married. My DH knew me very well beforehand.

I had a troubled childhood that has left it's mark, and I find small things can trigger feelings of unease and make me shout and get emotional. I know that the level of anger I grew up with is not normal. I was assured that my shouting was normal and natural when I confided in my counsellor. However, my DH acts as if the world is ending if I shout and wants us to talk about every little thing in minute detail instead, which doesn't help me at all.

He doesn't think our marriage is working and thinks we should call it a day. We have only been married a year and I feel he is being unfair. He chose to tell me this on our 1st anniversary. He says he thought he could "fix me" by getting married and he can't. He thinks our relationship should feel less stressful. This is unfair given all we have been through. What do I do?

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.
If your husband wants to end your marriage and has been honest about it, short of trying counselling again, I'm not sure what you can do really.
Could you benefit from a trial separation to give yourselves time to think about what you each want out of life?

I'd find out if there is someone else. Men don't usually want to leave their marriages without there being an OW.

I don't think you should dismiss his unhappiness as 'unfair'. If he's stressed & unhappy he's entitled to say so. His honesty doesn't diminish your emotions. He wouldn't be the first person who thought they could change a partner by marrying them, and then find out they can't.

Being faced with a shouting, emotional person is extremely upsetting. If he struggles with depression, I can't imagine being shouted at helps. Your counsellor may say it's normal but they're not living with you, your DH is.

You don't stay married just because you've gone through a lot together. And yes, relationships should make people happy. Just because you've gone through a lot together, it doesn't mean you should stay together.

I think there are about 4 issues here.
1.sorry for what has happened to you this year.That is horrrendous nad unsettling,and like you say,is bound to have had and be having a large impact to you both.
2.DH depression.If he has not been to a GP to discuss this,that is not going to help him or you.Do you think he still loves you,but feel unable to cope?
3.Your anger.Are you willing to get help with this?
4.DH doesnt like shouting.I understand this.My DH doesnt like shouting either.he doesnt even like it on TV soaps.And he was brought up in a quiet household,so doesnt really get it.So I can understand that your DH finds it all a bit much to cope with,and thinks the world is ending.

Is there any way,that if you said you agreed to get help with your anger,that he would get help with his depression?

I think him wanting to talk about everything is preferable and healthier than your wanting to shout about everything.

If you need some other outlet to release stress would running help, or getting a punchbag & some boxing gloves?

I think relate might help too.

Hi, I have followed you onto this thread as I have posted on AIBU. The other thing I wanted to say was that I recognise the behaviour you have described about yourself in myself and I have struggled with it. My partner hates it and it can take a lot for me to calm down sometimes. It is not as bad as it was, but definitely got a lot worse after my brothers death (which was thirteen years ago). I am still with my partner, there is probably hope for your relationship, but you need to deal with your fathers death and that is going to take time. Talk to your husband, he sounds like he is open to communication and try not to be so hard on yourself. From what you said, I am guessing your father died about 6 months ago, leaving you with a lot of issues to deal with. I found that when I went back to work after my brothers death I would cry at my desk, get cross with my co workers and found a lot of issues surrounding my life very difficult to deal with. There was also an inquest about four months after which was awful and sets back your recovery. I did have some counselling but my partner got my through a lot of it. I think your husband wants to be there for you. Don't shut him out, even if your relationship does not survive.

i wouldnt like shouting either. I hope you can manage to control yourself and stop shouting at him and save your marriage.

I thought people posted on here to get support! Not be judged! none of us are perfect, this isn't AIBU

Shouting may be a natural and normal response, but that doesn't mean it's an appropriate behaviour. And if your DH doesn't like it, that will make things even worse.

I'm sorry for your loss, and it sounds like you're having a really bad time - and your DH isn't being as supportive as perhaps he could be. But then he is obviously suffering from his own issues.

TBH I don't think you should be making such important decisions whilst you're both under this amount of stress. And I think couples' counselling would benefit you both greatly.

I also think that your DH should seek help for his depression, as that will be affecting how he views you and your relationship.

I just wanted to say thank you lovelynewboots for sharing your experiences with me.

You are right, my Dad died only a short time ago - Less than 6 months - We have already had the inquest which was difficult, but in a way at least now it's been done it's one less thing to get through.

I was having the counselling before my dad died, to help me make sense of my upbringing and some other things that had happened. Unfortunately the counselling had to stop straight after the inquest - Which I can see was very bad timing and, probably hasn't helped matters. I am going to contact the counsellor again to see if it is possible to have further sessions with her. If not I will see someone else as I do need some support.

Sometimes the strength of my grief takes me by surprise - It's horrible as the way he died seems to come up so much in everyday life - Disney films, comedy sketches, and soaps have all caught me off guard but referring to his cause of death.

It is so nice to hear that you are still with your partner. I love my DH so much. I know that he loves me too - We are going to work on things together as I've mentioned in aibu. Thank you so much for helping me X

Yes friendly.

Can you maybe ask for grieving councilling this time.

Also your husband needs to seek help with his depression.

Can't understand why he married you to "fix you" bloody cheek when he needs to take a leaf out of his own book.

(said in a nice way)

Glad to see you are feeling more positive Friendly. It is so hard to put your life back together when something like this has happened. Everything can just feel out of control and pointless. But you deserve to have a positive future; you have to find a way to live with what has happened. My brother was twenty, it was a car accident, no-ones fault, my older brother was involved but survived with no injuries. He has had great difficulty living with what happened. My parents have coped because they now have grandchildren.

What happened to my brother consumed my thoughts constantly for a long time and I understand what you mean when you watch tv and you think about what has happened, catching you off guard at odd moments. You will find a way to live with your fathers death, allow yourself time to grieve.