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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling a bit unloveable!

10 replies

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 30/07/2012 21:14

Hi everybody

I had a little moan on someone else's thread but don't want to totally take it over, so here goes. I am in my early 30s and for various reasons I've never had a relationship. I feel a bit embarrassed admitting that.

I have tried - tried the Internet and tried the "getting out there!" which is a lot harder than it sounds as "getting out there" seems to involve a lot of smiling and effort on my part only to be ignored!

I do have friends, and so I don't think it's that I'm an unlikeable person. I get paranoid my physical appearance puts people off as it's the only thing I can put a finger on if you like but I don't think I look any better or worse than most people. I just can't really understand where I'm going wrong!

I know no one on here can tell me that but I do just feel a bit low about it just now and wonder what is so horrible about me that no one wants to form a relationship with me?

:(

OP posts:
BandersnatchCummerbund · 30/07/2012 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 30/07/2012 22:15

Quite possibly - I just don't know how to actually adress that! Grin It shouldn't come across online for instance (surely?)

Thank you for replying though - felt unloveable here too! :)

OP posts:
HotBurrito1 · 30/07/2012 22:34

Do you find people you actually like? I'm just wondering if it feels like a big effort as you're meeting people who aren't appealing to you?

stookiesackhouse · 30/07/2012 22:34

Hey. Yes, it sounds as if you have low self-confidence/esteem.

What about having some counselling? I have low self-esteem and it really helped me.

If you are feeling paranoid about your appearance - and I am sure you are perfectly lovely :) - why not pamper yourself with new haircut, makeover etc.

And choose something new to do just for you - volunteer perhaps, doing something that interests you.

Keep the faith :)

BandersnatchCummerbund · 30/07/2012 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

plantsitter · 30/07/2012 22:46

I was the same at 29. I had some counselling about something seemingly unrelated - my slightly chaotic upbringing - and suddenly everything fell into place. I'm now 36 and have been with DH for 7 years and have 2 kids. Funny, that.

likeatonneofbricks · 30/07/2012 23:05

OP, did you ever felt passionate about someone? that in itsekf can be attractive , whereas if you don't really feel attraction to men you may come across as indifferent?I think if you never felt keen on anyone, counselling would help to answer why, can be issues with parents. You have to find you own strong desires..

likeatonneofbricks · 30/07/2012 23:06

should be 'did you ever feel '

cgno · 31/07/2012 00:35

Same here, but when I look at other couples I think I want to be on my own.

BadLad · 31/07/2012 17:11

On a similar note to likeatonneofbrick's post, maybe you aren't coming across as passionate, or coming across as too dispassionate.

One of my female friends recently told me that she was frustrated that whenever she was out with male friends, colleagues or whatever, none of them were ever remotely flirty with her. They'd joke and laugh with her, and talk the usual banter but none of them, whether she fancied them or not, would ever make so much as a suggestive remark.

I gave the matter some thought and realised that, even if I wasn't married, I don't think I'd consider even asking her out. And then it occurred to me that I'd never even thought about what dating her would be like. She has a nice face, she's clever, and she has a good figure, she's funny and pleasant. But she comes across as totally unsexual.

I don't know how she would change that - indeed, I chickened out of telling her. It's probably too late for the men who know her, but if she came across a bit more sensually next time she meets a man, he might flirt with her. But anyway, possibly you aren't seeming passionate enough.

Did you get as far as dates when you tried the internet? If so, do you have any idea why they didn't get as far as a relationship?

I suspect that once you are in a relationship, the next one will be much easier, as the pressure bubble will have burst, you will have more confidence, fewer nerves, and some experience of what being in a relationship is, like an expensive Premiership striker who can't hit a barn door at first but soon starts banging them in.

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