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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anatomy of a secret life

9 replies

bertiebassett · 30/07/2012 20:40

Just wondered if anyone had read this book or had any thoughts about it?

My NSDH is reading it and says it helps to explain why he's behaved the way he has for the past few years...

I had a glance at the book and I just don't get it...

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foolonthehill · 30/07/2012 21:11

This author uses psychoanalysis to look at the discrepancy between the outward, public and visible life and the inner, secret life of individuals (many of them dead and therefore it's a lot of assumption). She postulates that the "secret life" is necessary to balance things that have happened to us in the past...the righting of wrongs... and that this becomes a problem when the secret inner life gets acted out (eg the quiet man who suddenly picks up a gun and murders 10's of people). The suggestion is that the tension between the unacknowledged "secret self" and the public persona brings about "bad behaviours".

lots of pop psychology and a bit of Freud, (although the author is actually a good academic)

I would guess that your NSDH is using this as yet another excuse not to take responsibility for his actions himself (it wasn't me it was my secret life breaking out). Psychoanalysis has never yet provided a cure for abusive or undesirable behaviours...although with a bit of self therapy he may be able to happily live with himself again as he has been excused.

Hopefully you will not be so easily persuaded.

PS I thought this was a rubbish book traded on peoples natural voyeurism and curiosity about famous people and their pecadillos...

izzyizin · 30/07/2012 21:25

If your nsdh has been living a secret life of adulterous relationships for the past few years, I daresay he could have written the book.

In an age where homsexuality was a crime, it's easy to understand why TE Lawrence, Tchaikovsky, and countless other gay men kept that aspect of their lives under wraps, as it were.

But sociopaths/psychopaths and others with disordered personalities have more sinister reasons for maintaining secret lives.

The danger of men like your nsdh reading books like this is they may seize upon certain words or alleged 'facts' to validate the choice they made to deceive others.

When he's finished the tome, I trust you will be able to disabuse him of any notion that his choice was, or is, in any way acceptable to right-minded or right-thinking people.

No matter what fancy pyschological terms are used to explain such behaviour, he needs to know that there can be no justification for him being a deceitful, dishonest, duplicitious toe-rag.

FWIW, the only use this book can be to you is as a weapon to brain him with Grin

izzyizin · 30/07/2012 21:32

it wasn't me it was my secret life breaking out

I love your analogy, fool. Adultery as acne Grin

foolonthehill · 30/07/2012 21:35
Grin
bertiebassett · 30/07/2012 21:42

fool & izzy thanks Smile

I'm relieved to get your opinions.

TBH I'm not a great fan of Freud/psychoanalysis (more of a cognitive/neuro person) and I was worried that my own biases were getting in the way...

I think the biggest problem I have with this book is that it doesn't suggest any course of action or therapy.

So NSDH or anyone else who's messed up their life because they 'couldn't' control themselves reads it and relates their feelings to the scenarios described...then what? What the fuck are they supposed to do?! It doesn't suggest anything!

Is this the sort of book NSDH's counsellor might have suggested he reads?

OP posts:
izzyizin · 30/07/2012 21:47

If it is, I suggest you sack his counsellor.

But better still, do yourself a favour and give your nsdh the order of the boot.

bertiebassett · 30/07/2012 21:48

Oh and when NSDH was telling me about this book he quoted it saying "everybody has secrets...everybody has a secret life"

....er....no....I don't...

Or does MN count? Grin

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 30/07/2012 21:51

He didn't understand the book then!

bertiebassett · 30/07/2012 22:04

Don't worry I will swap cover of said book for SISOSIG with all the important pages turned down Wink

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