Odd one out in my family.

[BonkeySaysTeamGBAreTheMollocks]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place but not sure where to go.

My mum and dad are not together. Never really have been. Cut a long story short, I lost contact with my dad and only met him again 8 years ago.

I have never really been close to my mum and her side of the family. Lots has happened over the years that has meant we have grown apart. Things are civil now but we will never be close.

I have hardly any contact with my dad or my half brother (his son not mums) or my nephews. I have tried in the past to make the effort to see them but its always me who is the one making the first contact and then getting hurt when I got nothing back so now I don't bother.

I feel like I am the odd one out on both sides.
Mum is close with her side.
Dad is close with my brother and his dw, and the rest of his side.
My dad sent my dsil a 'Happy mothers day' message on FB and I got nothing, it stung! He makes a effort to see their kids and he has seen my ds twice in 4 years, once when he was 4 wks and again at 18 months :(

And I know it sounds really daft, but it occurred to me the other day that looks wise, I am compleatly different too. I am very fair skinned (always burn in the sun, never tan) , naturally light blonde, blue eyes. My family on both sides are quite dark, dark hair, brown eyes, easily tanned skin. There is no one else with my colouring.

I feel compleatly different, maybe a bit lost . Not really sure where I am going with this, just need to get it down, been having a attack of guilts over the last few days (I blame the hormones) that maybe its my fault, maybe I should have put more effort in, not made choice that I have done.....

Ahhhh! I need wine! :(

Sorry its long!

I would build myself a new family...and find soulmates and friends to share the life with. not the same as blood ties but it looks like those aren't so strong for you and you may find that the ones you choose are so much better than the ones you were given.

Live life going forward and only take the good things with you.

Thankyou foolonthehill, that makes alot of sense.

I have a few people but I can't seem to get that want for a closeness with my family iyswim, even though i don't need it.
maybe I need to accept a few things and move forward.

same here,i have given up trying my brother cut me & kids off 2 yrs ago my half brother i never see or hear from anymore either,i have never fitted in really after my mum died i was 10 and dad remarried the following year and then few months later my nan(mums mum) died my step mum hated me and i ended up being kicked out even before they got married,got moved about and ended up in care and then home then kicked out again,got my own flat at 16 as she wouldnt have me in the house,my dad paid my half brother to look after me not cos he wanted to but cos dad paid him,i tried & tried to make us a family but have learnt the hard way that some people just dont want that,it hurts but i have my kids & husband,they have to come first x

:( ddubsgirl

Family's are a bitch aren't they!

yep,you have to just look at what you have got x

I'm sorry to hear you are - quite rightly - upset about this. You can choose your friends but not your family! Are you with someone? You have children though so concentrate on your little family, they are what matter. Keep looking to build a network of friends. If you are single, look at single patent support groups maybe? Just remember, it's not your fault they are like this x

50 is right you cant cange them,i did everything for them,my half bro never came to my wedding,not even a sorry cant make it,i had 4 members there on my side,yet i had to go to his wedding,went to his birthday party etc but hes never bothered with mine.

I have a dh and ds.
Dh has been telling me forever just to let it go but until recently I just kept going and kept hurting no one but myself.

I think I am just having a emotional few days where I am getting upset about things and thinking maybe a little too hard.

The looks thing only hit me the other day because I was sunburnt. Never occurred to me before.

Are you thinkin gthat maybe you aren't your father's child? Given the way he is with you, could you lose anything by speaking to him about it?

If the OP thinks she's not her father's child she'd get more information speaking to her mother. I presume the OP has her birth certificate as now an adult.
If you had no relationship with your father growing up it's not surprising you aren't close. It sounds as though you don't have much in common with your relatives. the distance from your half brother isn't surprising if you didn't grow up together as it sounds as though there is no sibling bond there so expecting him to be like a real brother is unrealistic, it's not surprising your father is closer to the child he brought up and lived with ie your half brother.
Concentrate on your husband and kids and making a social circle of people you like.

Op what is your DH's family like? Have they welcomed you do you get on with them?

Dhs family are great, they have been nothing but lovely really. There is quite a big age gap between dh and I but they have been great.
My mum won't have anything to do with dh at all.

Re, the thoughts about my dad being my dad. Dh has bought this up once or twice but I don't know.
I can't see why my mum would choose my dad as 'my dad' iyswim. He was a alcoholic when they were together. Only been in 'recovery' for 8 years or so (although I have my doubts tahts without any slip ups). He isn't exactly who you would chose to say 'hes your dad' unless he was. I wonder if I am just a 'kink in the genes' as it were, re. my colouring.

I don't have my original birth certificate, just a copy because my mum lost my original. It doesn't have my dads name on as far as I can remember. In fact, I'm not even sure what info is on there at all. Might dig it out.

Try and hang onto the fact you are really brave for cutting contact, and that many families are moronic; you haven't caused this. DP's family circs similar, tho his parents still together and they are all still in contact. He says he can't give them up, and I respect that, but an enormous amount of hurt is inflicted on him whenever they have contact. Meanwhile, my dad was in care as a kid, his dad was sectioned, my mum's lesbian, in a relationship for more than a decade with a lovely woman who cut contact with her grown-up daughters and her father due to a lot of abuse from all of them for no apparent reason I could see. I know she finds that really painful, and in the end friends and partners can't make up because these things go deep, plus we're told we should be able to get so much of what we need from family life. Irony in our house is that my side, with their gay relationships, sectioned dads etc, are happy, loving, wonderful people who gave me a brilliant childhood, love DP and he loves them. Goes to show nuclear family not all it is cracked up to be. Easy to think it is you who is somehow in the wrong, OP, but not at all - plenty of hideousness going on behind the net curtains and brave to stand back from it a bit. I know that doesn't make it easy, and it never will be, and I don't know the half of what you're experiencing - but DP says that standing in front of a mirror saying 'they are dirty fuckers' out loud now and again helps a bit.