How do I move on from his affair?

[Messiejae]

I have read lots of posts along these lines but never posted myself, I found out my partner of 13 years was having an affair at end of feb after going through his phone and finding monthsof texts...(rude pix, she loves him etc) I had been suspicious for a while as the silly cow had phoned him up some months before, he had bluffed his way out of it but I was uneasy, rightfully so it turns out! He dithered about for a week, refused my demands of deleting her texts/ number etc, then after a week of trying not to flip out in front of out son (5) said he had deleted all and we would give it a go etc.....less than a week and he concocted another lie and went to meet her.....another week of rowing and wrangling and I suddenly felt that I was being a mug! Threw him out ( literally) son devastated, and me too! So furious and hurt......in April we had started to be civil, he was looking ill, I was concerned, and after a couple of heartfelt conversations and a couple of evenings with no screaming we slept together again, he said he wasn't seeing the ow any more and we had some of the best sex in ages! I went away for a week with our son and when I came back we were still having fun and getting on, said we would go on some dates, figure out if we were worth saving-I hadn't let him move back in) then I found out I was pregnant, he wasnt over the moon but said he could understand why I would want to keep it (39, really wanted 2 kids) and whatever happened between us he would be supportive......two days later very distant denied saying any of those things and 'forgot' we were trying again....and went back to the ow.
I have never felt rage and devastation like this.....pregnancy is an emotional roller coaster at the best of times! I have text her on a couple of occasions ( insults mainly.... Traitor to womankind, cheap slut etc) and hurled many vile insults at him but a few weeks ago she decided to text me, saying he is with her now and I should get used to it, that it was over a long time ago between us and she has taken nothing from me, how he has been completely honest with her about how he feels about us all, baby included, ( I read some of the lies he told her in his texts so I know this isnt true) it just churned everything up for the 3rd time, feel I have been betrayed and hurt over and over again, I'm 17 weeks pregnant now and desperate for something to change, I hate and love him, I despise her and feel she has shown herself to be quite an unpleasant person by texting me rather than just leaving me be! My son just wants his dad back and all I can do is feel hatred towards them both! Where do I go from here???

I was under no illusions that we had a great relationship at the time incidentally, he was awful to live with,I had serious depression and felt locked in my own head, he wouldn't kiss me and gave me funny looks when I tried to kiss him but I would have done anything to fix our family, he has agreed to come to counselling ( now, though I asked him when we were together and he would always say no) but only because he wants me to stop wanting to punch him every time I see him! I worry what I might do if I ever see them together ( in my head it is NOT pretty) and Im having terrible tormenting dreams that wake me up several times a night! I want him to see what an asshole he is being but he is in his own little world of doing what he wants now, with no complications!

Where do you go from here? Look for the door marked 'Reality Check'.

You discovered he was having an affair and you rightly threw him out, but you then chose to climb into bed with him and have unprotected sex although you knew he'd been sleeping with an ow.

Were you hoping that a pg would bring him back to you or in some way 'cement' your fragile reconciliation? If so, as anyone here could have told you, you were deluding yourself, honey.

You regard the ow as a 'deeply unpleasant' person because she's texted you, but you sent her a number of insulting texts first so what does that make you?

You wanted 2 dc and you'll have your wish. For the sake of those dc you now need to let go of your rage and get on the with business of salvaging your self-respect and rebuilding your self-esteem.

It will take time to recover from the devastation of discovering that the man you presumably trusted has turned out to be faithless twunt but, as many inspiring women on this board can testify you can, and you will, make a better life for yourself and your dc without him.

How often does he see ds? Is he paying child support? Get these matters in hand and then adopt a policy of having no contact whatsoever with him. This will give you the space you need to get your head together, and it may also concentrate his mind on what he's thrown away and will be missing out on when your new sprog arrives.

But please don't regard this as tactical game-playing. He's gone and you are best advised to see his absence as permanent so that you can begin to structure your life the way you want it to be.

If you haven't done so already, get yourself tested for stis and, if he should come begging for forgiveness, don't be tempted to hit the sack with him again until he produces proof positive that he's clean.

Put the ow out of your mind. She's not the enemy and whatever he's done to you, he'll do to her because he can't keep his flies zipped. Keep your dignity and don't get dragged into any more text or other exchanges with her.

Pain is a given in this life. Suffering is optional. Don't let yourself suffer needlessly just because a deceitful, duplicitous, toe-rag has shown his true colours.

Due to typing the above, I didn't see your postscript, but it very much sounds as if you are far better off without him.

Set aside half an hour each day, when dis tucked up in bed or out of earshot, to release your rage. Weep, wail, shake your fist at the sky - and kick the shit out of a cushion while seeing his lying weasel face imprinted on it.

Have you got a dartboard? If so, stick a photo of him in the bullseye position and take aim

All things must pass, honey. You will get through this and be stronger for it. Give it time and go easy on yourself. Shit happens and all you need is a shovel the will to clear it out of your way.