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Original poster

being constantly late for contact

16 replies

lilachair · 30/07/2012 17:31

At the moment I am a bit cross, I'd like you to help me calm down, if I really should, or suggest how I should handle this.

My STBX has always had a problem being on time. He manages it for work and his hobby, in fact if anything or anybody makes him late for these he gets very angry indeed.

But, in the last week:

He was supposed to be dropping the DDs off at 7.30am - He dropped them at 9am

I arranged to drop the DDs with him at 4pm, as I had an important meeting at 4.30pm. (he knew about the meeting). He was not at his home and didn't arrive until 4.25pm.

He was supposed to be dropping the DD's at 8am. They arrived at 9am.

I send some strongly worded texts. I actually said it was getting ridiculous. His initial answer was "What's ridiculous? Give me a break. It's no longer your role in my life to expect more and criticise"

He then tells me how hard he is working.

He then says he has had to be home early or kept late by me. This isn't true. I've never been late for the DDs and wouldn't. If I was I would call him to let him/them know.

I asked him for evidence and he says "ok, I will try harder"

Today he was supposed to be collecting them at 4. He turned up at 5.20. Apparently he was 'confused' about the time as he is working so hard. Despite us only confirming it on the phone last night.

I'm so cross with him for letting them go through this every time. They have literally been pacing the lounge since 4pm.

DD2 is never happy with changeovers and this makes it so much harder for her.

I have never wanted to stop contact, as he is a good dad when he has them, but this is driving me up the wall.

DDs are 10 and 8.

Am I being a picky cow? I feel like it re reading that Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgOlympics · 30/07/2012 17:48

I think being late on such a regular basis is downright disrespectful, possibly deliberate and you're not being at all picky. I think the only way you can manage it would be to assume he is not going to turn up on time, don't rely on him for anything important and then arrange things so that, if anyone is inconvenienced, it's him rather than you. Today, for example, I would have left the house at 5pm with the children, gone out somewhere and left a note on the front door saying 'sorry we missed you, come back tomorrow'. Disappointed children being all his problem. If he's bringing the children back at 7.30am, call/tex him earlier to make sure he's on his way.

Olympia2012 · 30/07/2012 18:02

I don't see that there is anything you can do, unless he has to return them direct to school at any point.... School could then have a word if they are late consistently

Original poster
lilachair · 30/07/2012 18:02

Ok, thanks. I've been holding off doing the going out thing, as it's the kids disappointment I can't bear, and it would be me that would have to explain and he would twist it that I stopped him seeing them.

And also me cancelling pans for my one night off this week. But I think I will have to wont I?

I guess I left him because he was a self obsessed PITA. I shouldn't really expect it to change Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
lilachair · 30/07/2012 18:04

Olympia - in term time he gets them to school on time (better than I do Blush )

I guess it's been so noticeable as he has been bringing them back/picking them up from me every time.

OP posts:
sassy34264 · 30/07/2012 18:11

im afraid i would (and have) take a tough love approach.

if he is supposed to pick them up at 4pm, i would leave the house at 4.15 and go out somewhere. i wouldnt even leave a note. when he inevitable rings, answer sweetly and say i presumed you werent coming, so i made other plans.

if you have to be somewhere important, i would make other arrangements for your dds and tell him- he cant be relied on.

alternatively can you arrange to drop them off at his work/ house, so that your not waiting for him?

Offred · 30/07/2012 18:17

Being SO late so regularly is something I think you could do with talking about it mediation tbh. It is not only important that he comes but that he comes when he says he should so although he is probably thinking he is messing with you he is actually showing his dcs that he is unreliable and unpredictable and the risk is that this will turn into "he doesn't care about us" in their minds. It will likely give them some stress around pick up/drop off times which is entirely avoidable and completely pointless and may cause problems in both homes. If he doesn't understand this then he needs to.

I also am very sceptical that a good father would mess with contact like this. Either he doesn't think it is important enough or he's using the children to get at you, neither are things a good dad would do.

Offred · 30/07/2012 18:20

I suggest mediation because I think it enables you to actually talk productively about things with an independent person to mediate. It sounds like he has the same idea my ex did that he is fighting with you, your relationship has ended and he no longer has to treat you with respect.

Original poster
lilachair · 30/07/2012 18:41

sassy Thank you. I think I am going to have to do that. I was worried it would mess witht the girls heads more... thinking they were seeing daddy and then me taking them out. I really didn't want to be that woman

Also he will go mental and say I am over reacting. And that's going to be horrible.

Offred We tried mediation over our divorce settlement, at my suggestion, he went to the initial appointment (I booked separate ones as I know he would just talk over me and I wouldn't get a word in). He said it was rubbish and refused to go again. Hence the divorce is now using very expensive solicitors Confused

I'm really appreciating hearing that I'm not the one over reacting here. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
lilachair · 30/07/2012 18:43

Offred I know what you mean about the children being so confused. It's horrible to think he cares so little for their feelings he can't be bothered to check the time. Breaks my heart Sad

OP posts:
sassy34264 · 30/07/2012 19:02

it's awful, but sometimes there is no protecting dc's feelings. Sad

ive tried so hard with my dd, but there comes a point where there is no other choice than having them realise their dad is an arse. if he really is an arse (and he sounds it) they where always going to figure it out eventually for themselves anyway.

you could try one last ditch attempt at an email to him, expressing a lot of offred points- the dcs being needlessly upset, thinking he doesnt love them, if its to get back at me, i dont actually give a fuck, but the children are catching the cross fire. etc.

you might find that a few times of you going out, if he is late, might actually prompt him to be on time, but he could also go the other way and not bother not turning up at all- ' well, you, wouldnt be there anyway'

at 10 and 8, is it not possible for arrangements to be made direct with them on the phone, so maybe it will feel more like he is letting them down than you?

sassy34264 · 30/07/2012 19:10

if you do everything matter of factly- i cant rely on you, i presumed you werent coming- and say it in a calm even friendly manner, it will be harder for him to say you are over reacting and go mental. he will look like the one over reacting if only he is shouting.

my sil has problems with her exdp, not turning up, trying to change the days etc. ive told her, he's trying to show he is in control. (she's only 20) i told her to pick days that he can see ds on and then that is that. if he misses- tough shit. he sees him on the next contact time. i also told her to have a few mantras (i love mantras)

not my problem
i cant help you
its not negotiable (my favourite)
what has that to do with me.

dont get in an argument/ discussion- just say a mantra. Wink

Original poster
lilachair · 31/07/2012 08:50

Kids have just been dropped off, on time Shock I think he could possibly tel I was on the edge last night, even though I didn't say anything.

sassy definitely going to write the email today, just for my peace of mind I think, so I know I have clearly explained all the reasons I'm not happy and it's not fair.

Thank you so much for your support Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
lilachair · 24/08/2012 08:29

Well. That lasted for a few weeks.

He is currently half an hour late bringing them back Angry

OP posts:
drasticpark · 24/08/2012 08:43

If he's more than 10 mins late to drop them off then go out on your own. Text him and explain politely you have to be elsewhere. The first time this causes him inconvenience will likely be the last time he does it. It is infuriating but don't let him see that.

Original poster
lilachair · 24/08/2012 09:07

I will. It's infuriating, but I will. Thank you.

OP posts:
SageMist · 24/08/2012 16:50

I agree with Sassy and Drastic Park. My X used to do similar, but responded well to this kind of approach. He used to try and slip back into his old ways after a while too.

In the end I just always went out if he was more than 15 minutes late.

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