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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is online dating the only way to meet men if you are over 45?

36 replies

sc13 · 30/07/2012 17:26

This may be ironic coming from a MNetter, but I don't like the idea of online dating. At the same time, I am 46, and go out twice a month if I'm lucky (that's when DS is with his dad). At work I just happen to be in a female-dominated profession. I have been out of the dating scene for 20 years.
Does 'dating in the wild' still exist, or is everyone going online these days?

OP posts:
DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 30/07/2012 17:27

My dad meets his various girlfriends through rambling!

sc13 · 30/07/2012 17:31

That really is dating in the wild Grin

OP posts:
DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 30/07/2012 17:33

Grin Yes - as in the walking group, rather than rambling on ... and on... and on ... (he does that too Hmm)

I am in a female dominated profession as well and I have had no luck with Internet dating, I'm younger than you but you're not alone. It's really difficult meeting people isn't it!

bimmer · 30/07/2012 17:36

I met my husband 9 years ago through online dating, and since then two of my friends have since met their husbands through the internet.

sc13 · 30/07/2012 17:40

Gosh, has online dating really been around for as long as 9 years? You can tell I am out of the loop.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/07/2012 17:50

Defence, do many single people go rambling? I wondered about joining but didn't want to go if it was just hearty couples Grin.

sandy167 · 30/07/2012 17:58

I really hope the internet is the way of the future for meeting people as it seems to take longer to build a connection that way not to mention all the fart arseing around working out if you have chemistry with someone. At least when your out in the real world you get to know someone quicker and can see there and then if you hit it off. Just my oppinion from what i have experienced.

sandy167 · 30/07/2012 17:59

I meant i really hope that the internet is NOT the way of the future for meeting partners.

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 30/07/2012 18:03

Imperial - I think loads of single people go, although I think a lot are sort of 50 + (no offence to any 50 pluses here!) My dad is 68 Grin mind you he's always trying to get me to go to my local rambling group! Where are you based Imperial?

ImperialBlether · 30/07/2012 18:25

I'm in the NW and am 50+, though your dad is out of my age range!!

Inyourhippyhat · 30/07/2012 18:26

Imperial - no, rambling isn't all hearty couples. Quite a few single people go and some who are "attached" but whose DPs/Hs/Ws do not ramble. The age group is, on the whole, 50+. However, what's better - to stay home or have a day out getting exercise, seeing fabulous scenery and talking to people who may have had incredibly interesting lives and hobbies? And, there are younger members, too.

ImperialBlether · 30/07/2012 18:29

Whereabouts are you, hippyhat?

Callisto · 30/07/2012 18:31

My mum died about a year ago and Dad didn't really have a circle of local friends because he had nursed her 24/7 for the previous 10 years. Since she died he has joined the local Tourist Information as a volunteer and also volunteers at the local museum. He has joined the local wildlife group and goes to talks and on walks with them. He isn't in the dating scene at all, too soon after loosing mum, but he now has a net work of friends that he goes out with. In fact I sometimes think his social life is busier than mine now. Grin. So I would say, do things that interest you, don't be needy and yoou will meet lots of new people.

ImperialBlether · 30/07/2012 18:44

Callisto, it's just not that easy, you know. I'm glad for your dad but if he's a pensioner I think you'll find there's a lot more going on for them as so many are widowed. When you're younger than that it's a lot more difficult.

PeterPanandWendy · 30/07/2012 19:57

OP it's one way to meet men.
I've known people your age and older meet men in every situation- by becoming a volunteer , rambling, in the queue at Tescos, on a train, through friends of friends, at classes such as learning a language etc etc.

It's the same old advice whatever your gae- widen your social circle, join clubs or actitvities where men go, and smile :)

And if you want to do online dating think about more upmarket sites such as the Times Encounter, Guardian Soulmates, Drawing Down the Moon etc.

Ragwort · 30/07/2012 20:02

Imperial - I am much a little younger than Callisto's dad and although I am not looking for a partner (happily married Grin) I echo what she says, we move around a lot and the best way to make friends is to do activities, such as volunteering, joining groups, going to Church, rambling or whatever floats your boat - you will meet people, they will have friends and contacts and you will be busy and active - it might lead to romance, it might not but you won't come across as 'needy'. There is loads going on, most organisations are desperate for volunteers.

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 30/07/2012 20:17

Imperial I am 30 and I agree - it is near enough impossible, I sometimes think! People blithely say "join a club!" - what club caters for people who work 9-5 Monday to Friday? There's LOADS on if you're a SAHM or a pensioner, though Grin

Sorry, no useful advice, but you're not alone!

ninah · 30/07/2012 20:19

i am 45 and i would rather eat my socks than shag a rambler

ComingtoKent · 30/07/2012 20:23

I had been on my own for four years when I finally gave in and tried internet dating. Prior to that I had been to lots of social engagements, learned Spanish, asked all my friends if they knew any suitable single men over 40, had golf lessons, hung around at school events trying to spot the single fathers etc etc. If there had been a ramblers club, I'd have given it a go.

Nothing. Literally nobody in my social circle even knew a single man, never mind a suitable one. I concluded that I would become an old tweed wearing cat owner if I didn't get out and do something myself.

I went on POF, which I have seen much derided on here. This was about four years ago now, so it may well have changed but I can honestly say I didn't have any bad experiences. I also went on Match for about a month. I found the sites a great way of just basically finding single men who sounded interesting and who would agree to meet up with me within a week or so of getting in touch.

Early on I made one mistake and got embroiled in a (for me) lengthy email/msn thing (probably about a month). It drove me mad - you get no idea what they're like from that. Then when the opportunity to meet up arose he made excuses. So that was the end of him.

I met 8 men in total. All perfectly fine dates and good company, but the second date (if it got that far) certainly sorts the wheat from the chaff. My current partner was date number 8. We've been together three years.

Meet 'em quickly. Then it's either onwards and upwards to date two when things become clearer. Or it's "Next!"

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 30/07/2012 20:28

I have had no luck at all on the 'Net.

I have concluded I must either be a complete minger Grin or just really, really unlucky!

Ninah - my dad is lovely! Not that I'm suggesting you should shag him, of course!

lemonstartree · 30/07/2012 20:33

I met my wonderful DP outside a pub when I had a flat tyre and he offered to change it. I was 45... so it can happen !

PeterPanandWendy · 30/07/2012 20:44

Oh c'mon Imperial and others.

There are loads of activites in the evenings for people of all ages.

Check out your local colleges of further ed for classes, language schools, writing groups, keet fit, yoga, salsa, zumba, tennis, there's a UK group called Meetup which is a group where members organise events and post them on a forum, Nexus is another such group- these are not for "singles or dating" per se.

Volunteerring for organisations like Phab, samaritans, shelters for the homeless, hospitals , all want people all of the time.

Just have a good dig around on the web usually under your local council's community website and you should find loads of activities and clubs.

Yika · 30/07/2012 20:45

Constantly scraping and banging my car... no rescuers however... will try the flat tyre next :D

BigBandwitch · 30/07/2012 20:57

I fear it is OP. In five years I met nobody. Friends of mine have told me that you meet people through friends, but they never invite me out when there is mixed company!! I seem to be very welcome on the girls' nights out, but the second it is mixed company I'm Cinderella. So I've concluded that NO you don't meet people through friends, no matter how many times I seem to hear this!

i also did a bit of internet dating and it was so demoralising. Men my own age (41) just tick the age group 29-39. In real life I would notice men my own age or several years older, but online, I believe men tick the boxes like those two teenagers in Weird Science. They lose the run of themselves and despite being 58 with no hair and two stone overweight, they select preferred age group 29-39

Not right now, but at some point I was wondering about approaching Introduction Agencies. Has anybody tried one of those? They would be more expensive but the idea of being interviewed by a person who might get a sense of you is appealing.

Does anybody use those anymore? Do you have to be rich and young to go to those Introduction Agencies?

BigBandwitch · 30/07/2012 21:02

ps,yes! people do blythely say 'join a walking club!' but what do I do with my children while I'm walking?