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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I leave or keep on trying?

17 replies

tigger32 · 30/07/2012 17:14

Dh and I have been together 14 years we have 3 dc, he is 13 years older than me.
Ok that's the back ground.
For the past 2 years I have felt us drifting apart, we have different ideas about parenting and life in general. After ds3 (2.5) was born I was very down but got help and am now feeling much better and have built a happier life for me and the dc, however I feel that I've left dh behind. He never wants to come on days out with and if he does come along he moans about the cost or the children's behaviour!
He is never happy or excited about anything and never plays with dc.
I know he loves the dc but struggles to show it and they do love him, but they never want to spend time with him. I actually feel he loves me more than them. Confused
I have worked really hard to get myself back up and am fed up of him being negative all the time.
Earlier this year I started to get things in place to leave him but we decided to try and make it work, for a while things were a bit better, but now I can feel we are heading back down again. I know you have to work at marriage but really should it be this hard??
I could go on but I think you'll get picture Sad
Any suggestion or advice anyone??

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum99 · 30/07/2012 17:19

Why did you mention that he is older than you? do you think that could be the issue? I only ask as you mentioned it, otherwise i see the age gap as irrelevant. It sounds like he needs a shake up, is he stuck in a rut?

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 17:21

was he fully aware that there had to be changes on his part after you got to the point of leaving last time ?

did he sign up to make those changes and is now reneging ?

if that is the case, then perhaps you do have to split, because he makes it look like he either can't or won't be bothered to at least try to be the person that you need

Original poster
tigger32 · 30/07/2012 17:25

Lucy I mentioned the age gap as I am wondering if that may have something to do with it.

He was aware he had to sort himself out, I wanted him to come to counselling with me but he wouldn't, he said he could sort it himself. Hmm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 17:27

well, he's failed hasn't he ? Sad

Perhaps the next step is you insist he attends counselling with you ?

MiniTheMinx · 30/07/2012 17:28

Hello tigger, you say different ideas about parenting, how different?

Lucyellensmum99 · 30/07/2012 17:30

bloody men, so fecking stubborn, but don't let him drag you down with him - its a shame that he coudlnt step up, but don't waste your life waiting, i speak from experience that things rarely change - i live with "i will do" or "i'll do that, yeah" i don't even bother to get excited about his plans anymore as i know its all pie in the sky, im no where near brave enough to leave though. If you have the inclination, go for it, new start for you and your children, exciting.

Housespouse · 30/07/2012 17:32

Might he be depressed? Perhaps he needs some medical intervention to rediscover the joy in life. It's worrying when you say he takes no joy in anything.

Original poster
tigger32 · 30/07/2012 21:08

I do think he may be depressed but he insists he isn't Sad I have tried talking to him again tonight about us trying to get on the same wavelength with regards to parenting, he just says that I am too soft! I take the approach that you need to choose your battles and let small things go, but he shouts and tells the dc off for every little thing. Sad I really don't know what to do, I don't want to admit that I've failed and I do love him, BUT he isn't making us happy Sad Sad Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 21:13

well, if he won't seek help and he won't work with you either....there's not many alternatives left Sad

apart from the one staring you in the face, which is put up/shut up and carry on as you are

I'm not sure that is acceptable, particularly since he gets to make no changes and you have to make all the allowances. That certainly wouldn't work for me.

Original poster
tigger32 · 30/07/2012 21:18

Sadly AF I think you are right. Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 21:23

his way or The Highway ?

don your walking boots, love Sad

MiniTheMinx · 30/07/2012 21:32

You say that for a while things were a bit better, was he making an effort then? Was he happier?

I think a lot of men think we mothers are too soft. Whilst he shouldn't be shouting at them because shouting rarely works, as parents you do need to find a compromise so you are not undermining each other. Do you both have time out from the children to spend together? Why does he never look after the children? Would you trust him to look after them if you know he shouts all the time? What about counselling and parent classes for both of you so that you both learn the same skills, he might learn to pick his battles too!

Original poster
tigger32 · 31/07/2012 22:06

MTM thank you for your message, I have done parenting classes and had counselling myself but dh refuses to come to either, but always moans saying " well I haven't done all the courses that you have" if I ever try to suggest he could do things differently. Earlier this year when things were better he was trying but, has gradually stopped doing so. I wonder sometimes if I expect too much from him! I do leave the children with him because I need time on my own sometimes, if it's during the day I do try and arrange for at least 1 child to go elsewhere. I have just started back at work for the 1st time in 9 years and he has made it clear I can't rely on him for childcare on the 2 afternoons I work mid week ( I don't finish until 5.30pm and I am 15-20 mins away from childcare, all I wanted was for him to collect the children so that we can all be home and have time together before bed). He is having all 3 children on Saturday mornings while I work, but he moans like mad Angry I think I know what I need to do Sad

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 31/07/2012 22:14

He refuses to pick the children up, does he not support you wanting to work? Does he not want you to work? That is selfish.

Would he consider leaving if you want to end it? You mentioned that you had put in place a plan, a man who refuses to leave even for a short period to give you space, a man that would see his own kid's out on the pavement with a suitcase, isn't worth keeping! but I don't see why you and your children should give up your home.

PissyDust · 31/07/2012 22:16

Hi tigger, I am in the same boat as you so to speak. Togeather nearly 10 years, 3 DC and DH is 10 years older (that doesn't matter because he has always been at some level of miserable fucker I just didn't realise it until now)

I've tried and tried but it is bringing me down to his shouty level and I'm a sad person now.

I wont be dragged down and I am planning on leaving as soon as I have my new life in order.

in order of feelings excited comes first, I can't wait to start over again on my own with our DC and I don't care if he wants to break all ties and never see us ever again, it would be better than his shouty moody ways any day.

Stay strong, scary stuff but I do believe it is for the best for me.

Original poster
tigger32 · 01/08/2012 07:11

I actually don't want to stay in our house, it is too big and needs a lot of work doing to it.
I started to make a plan a few months ago, I went CAB and sorted out financial stuff and started looking at rental properties, i'm not sure how me working now will change that?!
I seem to get mixed signals about how he feels about me working, he was all for it money wise, but has refused to help with child care and even commented to a friend last night, that he knew I was only working because I wanted to do something for myself. (as though that was a bad thing).
PM I'm sorry you are going through this too, I hope you manage to get everything in place. Have you spoken to your oh about leaving yet?
The thought of leaving breaks my heart but deep down I know it is my only option if I want a happy relaxed life for me and the dc. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
tigger32 · 01/08/2012 07:12

Sorry for PD read PM Blush

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