But they don't have Stately Homes in Australia

[OlympicRabbit]

Have namechanged for this, but am long time MNer.

I think I am about to rant as much as I am about to ask for advice. Will try to keep it brief but not drip-feed either.

Longstory short - my family is without doubt dysfunctional. Parents didn't marry til I was a teenager, I was sent to boarding school at 16, (I did enjoy it though as it gave me a chance to escape the neurosis of my mother), half-siblings who didn't know I existed until I was about 13, a full sibling much younger than myself and at 18 my parents decided to leave the UK for Australia. My DM was/is very highly strung and as a result a bit busy with her fists and other useful domestic objects when I was growing up. It has taken me a long time (almost 40) to accept that she physically abused me as a kid. It's not normal to be thrown down stairs or hit at least once a week so badly that it leaves a bruise, is it? I could go on, but I realise that as much as it was not fun, other people have it much, much worse and I grew up in an affluent household and wanted for nothing in a material sense. And that the good thing about a childhood is that once you're an adult, it's over.

Here's the thing. My parents moved to Australia - so about as far as is possible from the UK - when I was 18 and I see them about once every 18 months. I am now a mother myself and I love my son so profoundly I cannot contemplate doing or saying stuff that my parents have done to me over the years. They are useless grandparents, in that they never call unless I do, sent my child a set of fridge magnets for Xmas last year (I don't know why this bothers me, but it does) and spend all their time 'adopting' other peoples' kids while never seeing any of their own grandchildren. But my mother is so cloying, and behaves as if she is mum of the year and spends all her time saying 'now you have a child of your own, do you realise how much your mummy loves you?" (Yuk!) I want to say, "now I have a child of my own and love them so much it just makes me realise that you couldn't love me really because no parent would be such a crazy bitch to a small child, telling them they weren't sure who their father is or telling an 8 yr old that mummy is in bed today because she's had another abortion."

OK, this has turned into a rant. Sorry.

I am due to go to Australia in a few months' time so that my child can meet some of the family and to see the grandparents. I am dreading it. I so don't want to explode over all this stuff, and in the past when I have tried to explain how I feel and how hurt I have been over the years it always ends up as a massive family bust up, and my father is getting old now and is not in the best of health. I dream of going there, keeping my head together, having a nice quiet time and not getting into any arguments. Please please please any of you in a similar situation, tell me how you got through something like this? I know that they are old and genuinely excited about seeing their grandchild and I want to put my feelings aside and just be calm and zen like.

How though?!!

Thanks you if you got to the end of this, and thank you just for reading.

just go, have a fab time and only meet your family (if you REALLY want to, you are NOT obliged) for a cuppa on neutral ground.

I wouldn't go. No way. Why bother? Your mother won't have changed and if she has she's pretending anyway.

Why put yourself through such an experience? You'll never get the love/answers/acknowledgement/apology you might desire from her, and frankly, if they live in Oz now, they won't really get to know your child properly will they. She can skype you in the UK if necessary - send daft gifts and cards in the post with drippy messages about how much she loves your child. You can read them out to him/her and put them safely away for when he's older if you like.

I would go to Australia one day howv ere - it's a fantabulous country and a trip there is not worth wasting on seeing your crap mother who will only wind you up beyond belief.

No I always would say "don't go" too but it is hard to follow this in real life. I'm not sure how you would be zen, maybe having a release to rant?

Go, but arrange to meet them at a particular time and place. Don't stay with them, that way lies madness and arguments for sure.

Definitely don't stay with them. If you're going to make the effort to come all this way, then make lots of plans to go sightseeing around the place - where do they live, where are you coming to? If it's Sydney/NSW, there's a fair few of us in the region who could help you out with places to go, things to do, meet ups etc.

It's a long bloody trip - might as well make the most of it and frankly by the sounds of your parents, a couple of days with them here and there will be plenty!

So - come out, perhaps go to a hotel for the first night to help you get over your jetlag without parental intereference - maybe go and see them the next day if you're awake enough, or the day after if not and then have a lovely itinerary planned after that.

Have you had any counselling?

Why go "so that your child cna see the grandparents" when you know what said grandparents are like? really? What's your motivation here?

I don't understand why you'd go back to see, let alone introduce your own child to, somebody who knocked you about and hit you with objects when they should have been taking care of you.

If you were smacked on the head in the street by a mate with a frying pan, would you stayt friends with that mate, let alone make a special effort to go 2 thousand miles to let your own child know them?

Family schmamily. Some families simply aren't worth knowing.