A ramble. Not sure what I need.

[MamaCross]

He is very controlling, but in a subtle way. In an ideal world I would cut all contact - I know I would be so much happier, but how do you do that when you feel so guilty just thinking of him?

He scares me. I feel frightened when the phone rings or when the doorbell goes in case it's him. I don't want him here and I don't want to go to his house, or on a day out with him, and I don't want to talk to him.

But he can be nice, is nice most of the time in fact. But he is unpredictable too. Sometimes I can't tell if he's joking or being serious. Sometimes when I disagree with him or try to stand up for myself or my kids, he will suddenly shout something and then within seconds he's back to normal as if nothing happened.

Although he has told me that he is proud of me, I always feel like I am not good enough. He reminds me sometimes of things I've done in the past that he didn't like.

I feel like I have to be the good daughter - visit him, call him, enquire about his health, go on day trips with him, allow him to visit whenever he likes even if I had plans. Yet I don't want to be the good daughter. I just want to be me. I am happy with myself and my life and I am sick and tired of feeling like I'm under his thumb.

He came to visit last week with half an hour's notice, knowing I work from home, yet I allowed it. He always reminds me how ill he has been for the last year and that he almost died and in fact could die at any moment (err...but couldn't ALL of us die at any moment?) and I feel so so guilty, but at the same time having daydreams about how much of a relief it would be if he wasn't around any more, or if I moved far far away.

I am so conflicted.

After he leaves my house, I have a few seconds of extreme swearing to myself about him. He was rude about my DC last time he was here (luckily DC was out) and when I disagreed, he shouted "what the fuck!!! I'm not arguing with you!!" when he was. I love him because he's my dad, but I don't like him. I don't like how I feel when he's around and I don't like how I feel when I think about him.

Our relationship feels oppressive to me.

My DC doesn't really want him around either. He tries to force me to force my DC into going out for the day with him - I'm not into this at all. DC is a teen and prefers going out with mates during summer hols and why not? Why shouldn't we do what makes us happy?

I don't know what I want out of posting this here, just needed to get it off my chest really. Hope no one can identify me (least of all him!)

The problem is, I can't actually say something like that to him as he would want to know why only 4 times a year and whatever I said in response, he would push and push for an answer until I gave in and said something he wanted to hear.

I can see how the non-inflammatory thing wouldn't work. It would confuse him, but then, I think whatever I said might do that.

I'm sorry, I can see how I might appear to be being awkward, I'm trying very hard not to be, just saying it how it is and trying to find ways to deal with it.

I know I have to grow a backbone, it's very hard when you've been under the thumb all your life, but I would like to try. I have to keep reminding myself, I don't have to be the 'good daughter' any more if I don't want. I can be a 'bad daughter' and do wtf I like and if it displeases him then so be it. But as this is not how I have ever behaved before, it's very difficult to suddenly become a different person (even if that different person is the real me).

It may sound a bit harsh, but when he starts on the "I could die" kick, you could point out that we'll all die some day. In the natural course of things he'll die before you, because he started earlier. He's had more life than you, so if the meteorite landed tomorrow, you'd be the one who was short-changed by Fate.

I'm sure if he was really ill you'd do whatever you had to do for him (which is not necessarily the same as whatever he wanted you to do), but right now that's irrelevant. At the moment he's quite well enough to come calling without an invitation and throw his weight around. There's no point going to stand silently by his death-bed in anticipation that eventually, a decade or two hence, he might go and lie on it. You could be getting on with your own life in the interim.

Annie Thank you. It doesn't sound harsh to me. In fact I think you've given me something really useful there, particularly "he's quite well enough to come calling without an invitation and throw his weight around" and "we'll all die some day". I will write those down so I don't forget.

He is actually really ill though, that's a fact. He came very close to not making it through recently and while he had lifesaving surgery, the underlying problems are not yet sorted and it is true that he could die any day (although unlikely I think). But as I've said before, any of us could die any day. But we don't use it as a stick to beat other people with...that's right isn't it? And yes, he has had his good life while mine is just beginning really (I'm not saying he doesn't deserve a lot more years, just that I deserve to live my life free from all this fear and guilt).

His poor health should not give him licence to guilt-trip me with it. I am currently trying very very hard to make something of myself career-wise, he knows this and he knows it is taking up almost all of my time (14 hour days) and that it is very difficult for me to make time to see him.

But the more he pushes me and guilt-trips me, the less I want to see him or even talk to him. I know he wants my support, but I can't please everybody and I've spent my life trying to please him (to no avail!) and besides, he has his wife for that. It's time now to please myself and my DC and DH.

I just wish I could remember that and have things pre-planned to say to him.

Sorry to bump, just wondered if anyone else has any good phrases I can put away for later use?