Reposted in this topic. Would I be a failure as a mother if my Dc lived with their father?

[MammyToMany]

My older dc are 10 and 8 years old, both boys. They currently spend 4 days with their dad and then 4 days with me and my younger dc from a new relationship (although I am single now)

They adore their dad, and even though we are divorced I can honestly say he is a fantastic father. He is single but close to his family and the dc enjoy spending their time with their cousins and grandparents.

Lately I've been wondering whether the boys would be happier living with their dad full time - they miss him a lot and always count the days until he comes to pick them up again. My one year old gets confused as sometimes they are here and sometimes not, the boys seem to get fed up of switching between my rules and their dads, and next year we will have the issue of senior schools for ds1 with us living in different catchment areas.

Thinking this way makes me feel incredibly guilty though. On a purely selfish level, I am pregnant and worried about how I will cope with 4 children, will struggle with room in the house (but if the boys were only her 1 or 2 nights a week they could have the smaller room with bunkbeds in it) I am worried that if they were to live with their dad then they would feel pushed out and unwanted. I love all my children and want what's best for them.

As they are getting older they are enjoying splitting their time less and less - and as teenagers I think they will start to resent it, being away from their friends and routines.

Am I awful for considering this?

no not awful - but you should hold a fmaily meeting with the boys and their dad - if needs be with a trained facilitator - and decide what might be best for all eg school days living with dad and every other weekend /tea time once a week with you.

they gowing up and things change - and they old enough o ahve a view (tho you might not act on it o on all they want) what worked before may need to change. it doesnt mean you love them less .

How far away does their father live?
Would living with him mean changing schools for both boys?
I am presuming he works full time (and is it correct that you don't?), so how would he manage the school run, after school activities, etc
When/for how long do you propose to see the boys?
Does their father have the physical space for the boys to mostly live with him?
If boys go live with him full time, presume that would mean a change for you financially - can you manage?
Does their father have a new partner? Other children?
When is your new baby due?

Lots of questions, I know. Just looking for more information/context.

Does the father wants this to happen?

Their dad works 4 days on, 4 days off and when it's previously been mentioned in passing (saying it won't be long before the boys are older and won't want to be changing about etc) he's said that he would have to change his work shifts but would manage.

He has room in his house, he still lives in the house we bought together before the divorce and the boys see it as 'home' and refer to my houses as 'mams' and his house as 'home'

He is single, and has been for 6 years. He said he was happy focusing on the dc and wasn't looking for a relationship (although this could've and will change)

The boys wouldn't have to change schools, we live about 3 miles apart and the school is in the middle, the problem would come with senior schools, the one in the middle us out of both our catchment areas, so it would be either a school by me or one by him giving ds1 quite a journey half the week. He or a member of his family do the school run in the morning and then he or I pick them up half the week depending on where they are staying.

I am due in January and ds3 will be 18 months old. I will have my hands full. Ds3 is a non sleeper and wakes the boys up when they are here, I feel like I am forever telling them to put play mobile away due to the small bits, to keep the noise down, to wait a minute as I am busy with the baby etc. At their dads they visit castles, go cycling, to the cinema etc I feel like I am letting them down.

I grew up with my Dad - he was granted custody of me and my older brother during the court settlements. My situation was slightly different in that my mum also wanted custody, but on the day Dad clearly convinced the judge that little bit better.

Anyway, now grown up with my own boys and looking back, there really is no right or wrong answer with who the children live with. I still have a good relationship with my Mum (perhaps better for not living with her??) and am very close with my Dad. At times, to be honest, I felt pushed out on both sides as it takes time to settle into the different rules and home dynamics. You're always going to miss out on something - friends, parties, etc. Christmas was hard as we ended up travelling on the day, never really feeling like we were pleasing anyone. As a child, you probably do feel resentful about the whole situation (damned if you do, damned if you don't!)

I can't answer either way tbh as it is just one of those things that doesn't accept a right answer. The fact that you're so admiring of your ex helps the situation. Perhaps it can be more flexible as the boys get older. If they need a change of scene, to escape one house for a day or two, to be "allowed" to spend time with your younger child as and when they want so that they feel very much involved in your life.

It's difficult, I cannot imagine ever not having my boys with me at home. I would never want to miss out on the little every day things.

I don't envy you being in this position. It's not easy to make such a decision, but ultimately you have to do what is best for your boys but understand that as they grow their needs may change again. Be flexible if you can. And always open to them.

Good luck x

I used to do a 4 day on 4 day off thing with my son too (we lived roughly 3/4 miles apart too).

When he started secondary it all changed because he 'got a life' and started to become more independent. He went from staying at his dads 4 nights a week to 1 night a week (Saturdays) and some times he would not see him for a few weeks in a row if he had Saturday night plans. Not only did he spend less time with his dad he also used to spend less and less time at my home as he got older (spending time with mates). TBH we all decided this as a family and allowed son to have a big input into where he wanted to be.

Like another poster suggested - why not sit down and talk to the ex - and then talk to the boys and listen to what they have to say. They may well be happy with the current arrangements.

My real worry is that they may feel pushed out because you are having another child and see themselves as 'being replaced'.

My son is now older (20) and honestly - I do think it has effected his relationship with his dad - they rarely speak and he hasn't seen him since xmas (and he really was a very good dad!!)

I do not think you are a bad parent for considering this - though i do have to say that you post sounded a little defeatist and sad - just wondering if you are coping ok??

You are considering this because:

1. You think the boys might prefer it
2. You are worried about your ability to cope with 4 children in your existing house/flat

But, reading between the lines, it is really the second reason that is driving you to think this way. The fact that you will have 2 very young (and inevitably deamding) dc (with a new and absent partner) is, to put it bluntly, down to you - not your older boys. If they go live with their dad, you will need to make extraordinary efforts to have quality time with them when they are with you.

Is the father of your younger dc in the picture? Might he have the younger dc so you can have relaxed 'quality' time with the older dc when it is their turn to visit you?

No matter what you do, it is going to be quite a balancing act. Do you have family/friends around who can support you/lend a hand?

demanding

You must be under grim stress at the moment, on your own with 3 kids and pregnant. Might not be the right time to consider big changes.

You've only got 50 per cent custody of 2 children anyway, and I'd think very carefully about giving that up. What you need is help with caring for the brood - could you look for that first?