Supporting a friend

[anniedunne]

...how far would you go, beyond listening sympathetically when she tells you about the latest incident with her dear h ? Would you ever tell a friend to "leave the bastard" or do you just know she'd never contemplate it and would instead resent you and stop confiding, leaving her with just a little less support the next time he kicks off ? In which case do you nod and smile and give her a hug and leave it at that ?

• they're both late 40s, married 10 yrs, 2 dds aged 5 and 9. She'd been single for a while when they met and she's hinted he was Mr Good Enough...My friend, F, is highly intelligent and v attractive. She didn't need to settle for J ! We all live in Birmingham so it's not like she was out in the sticks short of men to meet.

Hes nasty and controlling and has anger management issues. Sometimes she's on the edge of tears because of what he's said and done. I've seen hints of his behaviour when we're together but most of our friends have no dea. But fond as I am of my friend I don't know if there's a part of her that loves the drama of it all or is she really stuck and in denial about just how toxic he is ?

Not drip feeding - some of the things he's done are awful and quite scary and I will say a bit more if anyone asks- but just want a general idea of what others' boundaries are in talking to close friends about their relationships.

Any thoughts ?

I wouldn't be able to not say something.

Say to her, "What do you think the consequences will be if you two stay together. What sort of relationship do you think you'll have in another year?"

Or, "It's pretty obvious that X is a very aggressive man. What are the consequences of that, do you think?"

How about asking her: "I would like to be able to give you whatever kind of support you feel you need from me. Are you looking for purely a listening ear so you can get it all off your chest, or would you like me to help you think about ways you can change your situation or react to what's going on?"

What do you think she would say?

I've been in that relationship and tbh, I'd have wanted someone to at least try to help me out of it.

If she is sounding stuff out with you, it's cos she is tentatively reaching out for help. Gently tell her that you don't think the way he treats her is right and that it will never get any better. Can you suggest she read Why Does He Do That?

If you grab on and try and pull her out, she will recoil in fear, you have to gently support her to enable her to climb out and get out herself. It has to be her decision. No-one can take it for her.

She knows it's not right, but feels paralysed, she can't act, she needs help/encouragement to do so. That's OK, we ALL feel/felt like that.

Tell her that you are there to hear her out, and that you won't judge her. Tell her that it's not HER fault he's like this, tell her that it happens to over 1 in every 4 women.

I think it's one thing to be a listening ear but, if you are totally uncritical, all you end up doing is enabling her to keep complaining but doing nothing constructive to improve her situation. You become the human equivalent the Wailing Wall... If this has been going on for a while I think you're entitled to point out how things aren't getting any better, that you're very worried about her, want to help & that you can't just sit and say nothing whilst seeing her ground into the dirt. You may risk her clamming up and not confiding any more but I think it's a risk worth taking.

I think supporting someone but feeling unable to advise in any way isn't really going to do the friendship any good long-term. She may react badly to being told what she's experiencing is wrong and she doesn't have to put up with it, but at a certain point, I think you have to say it.

I'm in total agreement with the tenor of your responses, thanks guys. I was just looking to check if anyone thought I was being too intrusive. In fact sometimes I've broached the subject of her suggesting to J that he looks for counselling for the anger issues but she says he'd just deny there was a problem and try to suggest she's the one who has an issue....

I've also gently tried to get her to think thru what this is doing to her dds, watching their mum walk on eggshells the whole time. It makes me very sad but I'll carry on being there for her and when I see her again after the school hols (I'm going away next week) I'll try to have lunch with her and open up the convo again. She's been a great friend to me thru some difficult times and she deserves no less.

It sounds to me that you are doing everything you can anniedunne. You are being such a good friend.

I do agree that the 'hm, and how does that make you feel' approach is too gentle in these cases, and that it needs to go a step further. In other words, gently tell her it's not OK, she doesn't have to put up with it and should not, but it still has to be her decision.

Having been a helpful friend, I did find it rather a tightrope to walk.

If I criticised his behaviour, the 'he's not that bad / he's a great Dad / it's my fault too / he's lovely most of the time' feeling was not far away. Also, the irony of my own anger at him, and my inner wish to tell my friend to get away from her angry, controlling husband pronto, did not escape me. So I learned, as you have, to encourage her to think clearly while trying hard to keep my opinions to myself...(trying, anyway!)

A few more thoughts on helping out are on this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1528428-Help-needed-to-support-friend-who-is-victim-of-domestic-violence

If she can take steps towards counselling for herself, that would help (not couples counselling).

Wishing you all the best annie, it is a hard road to travel. Hope you have somewhere to vent for yourself, as well.