Jools Oliver was right -you should check text messages

[solittletimeandsomuchtodo]

So last week I did and discovered more than just friends messages between DP and a good friend of his.
When confronted at least he didn't deny it.
I know our relationship hasn't been great for awhile and I have moaned on here but still shocked to say the least.
Sad to discover it's been going on for at least two years. I'm such a mug, how did I not know?
He says it over and wants another chance. Why do I feel so pressured to do this?
It's all complicated as is often the case with dc and finances.
I'm so so so angry

what's jools got to do with it?
it's never as complicated as it seems by the way

do Jamie and Jools have problems ?
Op I think you should have a break, can he move out for a bit while you still communicate? you feel angry and have a right to distance him, otherwise he just gets away with it.

There was a thread on here a few weeks back, discussing Jools' admission in an interview that she checked up on Jamie's phone/emails. Jury was split as to whether she was paranoid or just sensible.

solittletime do you think this is just about text messages? Or is there more to it? He can't just sweep it under the carpet and expect you to carry on because he "says it's over." It's not over for you.

So sorry.

Emotional or Physical affair?

What does he admit to?

He needs to leave for a bit to let you get your ead around this betrayal and decide what you want to do.

If it's been going on for 2 years, it's likely to have been more than an emotional affair.

Before you can think about what you intend to do in the light of this revelation, he's got to be completely honest wth you.

Agree two years is a long time for just texting. He needs to be totally honest with you so that you can decide where to go from here.

I discovered my STBXH had been texting and its an awful shock :(

Why have you got to decide now one way or another? Take some time - he did!

Take your time, as tribpot says. You don't have to decide now whether you can come to terms with his affair - only a bit further down the line will you know whether he is truly sorry and able to confront his inadequacies, and whether you can be happy or learn to trust him again or if you even want to try. It's too soon to know the answers.

Sorry went to bed early.
Yes he admitted to a physical affair. I was expecting to say it was just flirting/emotional but far from it. At least he didnt try to cover up.
I'm so angry that 11 years together means nothing. That my dc will/have lost the family unit I so wanted.
We went out yesterday and put on 'happy' face but I broke down the moment I walked back in the door.

Good idea trib, he certainly had enough time.

Meant to exchange on a house this week

Halt the exchange until you know what you want to do. Don't enter into another financial agreement if you're not sure of the future of the relationship.

It isn't over at all for you and he needs to recognise that. Take your time, allow yourself to feel however you want to feel, not what you think you should be feeling or doing. It's a massive shock and you need to come to terms with it. If you need some space ask for it.

(((solittletime)))

i think the house needs to be collateral damage, solittletime. Let it go to give yourself more time, to avoid the horrific stress of a house move on top of anything else, and most of all to show him you are not prepared to operate in a 'business as normal' way whilst processing this devastating revelation.

So sorry

My advice is to ask him to leave for a while to give you time and space to process your emotions and thoughts.

You can't make any long term decisions for a while as once the shock has worn off, you will change your mind lots of time about whether you want to carry on with the relationship.

He will need to do some work on himself - an affair is all about the cheater's issues and flaws.

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

Confide in close friends/family to get real life support.

Be kind to yourself.

OP you are in shock at the moment. Please don't make any quick decisions and do everything you can to reduce other stressers at the moment... The house could be one too many things to think of. You need to look after you physically and mentally.

I have a question.... You said things hadn't been good for a while.... Would you say things hadn't been good for about 2 years?
It is likely he wasn't fully investing in his relationship with you so please don't think things just weren't good

Yes, its likely he was detached and critical ince OW first came onto the scene. Checking out of the marriage is how they create an emotional space for the affair and justify the affair.

If the text you found is a recent one, then its not over is it? If he has finished it now because you found out, that's not the same thing as "its over now" - he hasn't voluntarily ended it, he's been forced to end it to convince you that its all ok. It isn't. If the message is older and the affair was already over, why has he kept it - sentimental reasons?

So sorry you're going through this, but I think you should be glad you found out now and make sure that whatever happens from now on is on YOUR terms and at your pace.

I also agree that your relationship will have been strained for past couple of years without you even knowing why. Whatever you tried to do to improve your relationship with him will have been wasted because he wasn't committed to it.

Don't let him try to make you believe that he had an affair because your marriage wasn't good - your marriage wasn't good because he was having an affair. Yes we all have ups and downs but you have to work on them or cut the ties BEFORE you start shagging someone else! No excuses for him. Lots of sympathy and hugs for you x

Crazy how you are made to or not made but feel guilty. Guilty about breaking up a family when you are not the one who has been snagging someone else.

The rules have been changed now.... Permanently. Not by choice and it is not fair
This is why we're saying take your time. You are in shock, your whole life has changed...
You feel guilty because you are still working with your old relationship rules.
Relationships can survive and come through the other side but it depends on how the betrayer behaves and how the innocent party heals and copes or they may not want to continue in the relationship at all... Either way is ok but take your time.

Thanks for your comments
He has been playing 'happy families' with the dc at the moment yet all I want to do is cry.

I feel like at the moment he is expecting all to be forgiven immediately and let's move on. We can't move out of current living arrangements so dont have any space to be sad, angry, miserable etc.
Found out last night he hasn't been using protection with her! (we had drunken sex first in two years (sex that is) a few weeks ago) so now I've got to go and get tested.
It just gets better and better.

Oh god how awful for you as if it weren't bad enough - what an absolute bastard. They all seem to do the happy families thing though, maybe its easier to 'compartmentalise' or maybe the sort of man who does that honestly doesn't feel remorse, but they all seem able to switch it off and become superdad when required, as if to try and convince you that he's not as bad as you think he is.

Find yourself some space, whether its going out to meet a friend or staying elsewhere for a few days, you need to be away from him and if you can't get him to leave the house you need to get yourself away from him as much as possible.

Listen to your gut feelings too, you were right before so you know you can trust your instincts. x