Lack of financial independence

[angryfurball]

I don't think relationships is the right place for this as it's not really a relationship problem but nowhere else seems appropriate.

I had a business which went tits up and have been unable to claim benefits because my partner earns a good wage. Nobody wants to hire me, fuck I would do literally anything for a job, I'm tempted to start offering handjobs at interviews (I'm not serious, before anyone clutches their pearls.)

He is generous enough and pays all the bills and always says 'you can have whatever you need' but it is demoralising and horrid to rely on my husband's finances for every little thing.

"Can I have £1 for tampons please?" is not a sentence I ever thought I would have to utter, and it makes me feel like shit.

If I was a sahm and had a purpose I wouldn't feel bad, but as it is we have no kids to look after and a regular cleaner so all I do for him is potter about and cook a bit.

I just wondered if anyone else was completely reliant on their husband's money, and not out of choice. Do you feel as shit as I do?

I am utterly reliant on my DH.

I DID have a decent career, but going back to that after a break isn't going to happen and my son has SN which makes working a near impossibilty as he needs me.

Do you want kids (you are on MN so I hope that's not a rude question) as now would seem the perfect time to do that?
Why do you have a cleaner if you don't work? Why not BE the cleaner and demand the cleaners wage?

As I said, I am wholly supported by my DH, and DO feel the pain of not having 'my' money. But, never NEVER have I had to utter 'can I have £1 for tampons'

If I were you, I would look at all the jobs you COULD do around the house that you currently pay other people to do and then that becomes 'your' wage.

Just an idea.

I'm mostly reliant on my dh as since we had dc's I'm earning on an irregular basis. I hate to be in this position as I've always been highly self sufficient. Work also provides an outside stimulus so I think it also about more than just finances. DH & I worked out a budget so I don't have to ask for money, can you at least do this - get it transferred monthly.

The lack of work situation is hopefully temporary - don't give up hope, there WILL be a role out there for you. Keep positive

Do you have a joint account? I would also be depressed not being able to access any money without having to ask directly.

Agree, get rid of the cleaner and go out and do something useful - volunteer, sell stuff on eBay, canvass everyone you know/see for a job, even casual labour.

You've had a knock and need to get back to achieving something to get your confidence back.

Good luck.

definetely arrange a monthly/weekly transfer as star suggests. CAn you go on a course so at least you feel like you are occupied or achieving something while looking for work? this will take hte edge off focusing on the issue. He'd be happy to pay for that by the sounds of it. Lots of wives do not feel guilty, I know for fact, though usually the situation is known before marriage (that he will provide) in thoise cases.

Perhaps do some volunteering in a field you'd like to work in, and see what opportunities arise? Focus on getting where you'd like to be and think, if situations were reversed, would you grudge him money? Isn't marriage about supporting each other through the rough and the smooth?

Perhaps it would be easier for you to accept the situation if instead of you asking him for money he set up two transfers each month... one to a joint account to pay all bills and household expenses and one to a personal account for you? Leave you both with similar amounts of 'spends'? When you get re-employed he could drop the personal account payment and you could both contribute to the joint account.

I am in a similar situation, although I was on benefits already when I met DH and they were stopped when we got together. The reasoning why you can't get benefits when you're in a couple where one of you is earning, is that you're in a partnership and your DP should be supporting you, so you shouldn't feel bad about it - it is what committed relationships are all about.

It sounds pretty awful to have to ask money for every little thing and I think that is the source of your problems. I don't bring any money in but I am busy with other activities, work isn't the only way to boost your self esteem as others have mentioned. I am doing a course and have done voluntary work and would really recommend it. I do errands and stuff around the house (but not cleaning, we also have a cleaner and I don't recommend giving yours up unless you genuinely enjoy it or can't afford it!) which DH really appreciates. Does your DP value your contribution, as I wonder if you're dismissive of it because of his attitude? It does seem worrying that you place so much value on paid employment to the extent that you feel totally demoralised without it.

I have insisted on a joint account rather than transfers, because I've seen my sister have issues with that system when her DP was taken ill and she tried to deal with banking issues while he was in hospital, but had no authority to do so because she wasn't the account holder. I have full access to any money coming in, as does DH, and it doesn't matter whose salary has contributed to it as it is all joint.

angryfur, what's this about having to ask for money for a personal hygiene product? That's the thing that stands out in your post.

Having to rely on someone else for money is not pleasant. But I would have thought normal practice was 1) an allowance and/or 2) access to a joint account. Asking specifically for such a small sum, for an item which you feel obliged to name, does not fit the picture of a one-wage-enough-for-both, can also afford a cleaner scenario (unless you were being symbolic?)

FWIW I would certainly sell some things on ebay just to have your own money, and keep looking for work even if you don't need to work. You need to take back your identity somehow.

I don't need to ask for such small things, he always says take whatever you want, and there is housekeeping cash in the house that I can help myself to for little things. I know it's silly, I just feel the need to ask before spending it. I've always been awkward about accepting cash.

I dont think a joint account is neccessary becaus ethis is hopefuly temporary, I do have access to his debit cards but again I feel the need to ask before spending on it. It's completely me, it's nothing he has done or said.

Volunteering sounds like a good idea, I need some purpose of some sort.

It sounds like you need to have a talk about finances as it doesn't sound like a good system that you have to ask for and justify every pound you spend.

I was miserable in my job and had wanted to freelance for ages, but financially was still trying to pay off some of my debts so I felt like I couldn't quit, but equally it was going to take years for me to be completely debt free. My boyfriend offered to bankroll me the time it took to get my first contract and I didn't feel bad about it, because I knew that we had a long term future, so the short term awkwardness was something we could both live with. I wouldn't have coped if I'd had to justify every spend at the supermarket - although naturally during that period I bought no clothes/expensive nights out/posh cosmetics/haircuts etc.

Def. drop the cleaner and do it yourself. Take on some structure to your life - I would do an hour or two of job hunting, then it was cleaning, baking and cooking, and then after all that I'd have a few hours for big house projects that its difficult to get round to - sort the garden, decorate some rooms, deep clean the curtains, declutter spare rooms etc. I was fortunate that I found work quick, but if it had taken longer I was planning on some extra study/qualifications and maybe getting involved in some kind of teenager/young adult mentoring to keep me sane so I felt I had a life outside the house.

Just read your post - so its just how you 'read' the situation - I understand that and know its difficult. No real advice other than you have to just do it. Maybe if you are regularly sharing how it makes you feel with your other half it will become easier, you can both talk about how things are working out and he understands your frustrations

Ah, yes that makes a lot of sense angryfur. So he says 'you don't need to ask' and is a little mortified perhaps, but you can't help asking anyway.

You've run a business so you have lots of drive. It sounds like a temporary blip where you don't know where to go next, but that drive is still there, and causing you some frustration at the situation.

The way forward will make itself known soon, grit your teeth for a bit longer while you find it ;-)

He's very understanding, I'm clinging on to the fact that it's only temporary and I would of course do the same for him if he lost his job.

I just miss the independence of bringing in my own cash.

I'm also stuck in the fens,

I definitely have plenty of drive, I spend all day job hunting so fingers crossed something comes of it soon!

back - although I have escaped back home to North West but keeping the nickname!

Its hard to spend all day job hunting though - I found it pretty demoralising, and it takes time for people to get back to you... hence needing something else to do...

Funnily enough the tables did turn a few months back and for a few weeks he was out of work, and we had the same conversations just reversed! Neither of us are comfortable if we're not earning!

why do you have to ask for money? Ie can't you just spend it - do you have completely separate accounts? If so then agree that half of what is left after bills gets dded into your account or similar.

oh and I would not drop the cleaner if you do not like cleaning - if you (jointly) can afford one then keep one. If you hate cleaning then it will make you more miserable to have to do it - you do not need to be punished for not having a job. Do something (redecorate, do charity work, do DIY - garden - cook - retrain (try the OU or a local college) etc but do not force yourself to do something that you do not like if you can afford not to. The worst thing for gettign a new job is gettign depressed.