Cutting off contact with family

[ReallyTired]

I have decided to cut contact with my parents and my brother. My brother is a 35 year old spoilt brat who is still is financially supported by his parents. My parents blame my attrious behaviour at three year old for my brother's inablity to financially support himself. My brother has a very lavish lifestyle and regularly goes to holland to smoke weed and sleep with prosicutes. He does nothing round the house and is supposely a self employed electrician who works hard and never gets paid. Probably becuase the jobs he does are shoddy and half finished.

Last week my brother threated to cut my throat, infront of my children. My ten year old son is very traumatised by this. He is a very scared and upset little boy. My husband thinks I should take him to the GP to ask for councelling. My parents say that my brother's behaviour is completely my fault.

I have decided to cut contact with my family as I feel its unsafe to see them. I hurt really deeply inside. How have other people got over the pain of cutting contact with toxic parents?

Go and have a look at the Stately Homes thread on here, it's where children of toxic parents all gain immense support.

You are making a wise decision. You know that!

Have a look at the book Toxic Parents, it's said to be very helpful.

((HUG))

You are the scapegoat child, he is the golden child. You'll never be in the right.

Funny though, how if you are so atrocious, that you are the one married, living away from your parents and raising children.... where as he from whom the sun shines is a druggy who relies on prostitutes for relationships...

Your DS will be OK, as long as you are straight with him. He's old enough to know that your DB had no right to threaten you, that actually it's against the law (it is) and that as a result you will not be seeing him again. Over time your DS will see how you dealt with this to protect yourself and your family.

Massive decision to make. As TheHappyHissy says check out the stately home thread. Some very wise people on there.

Be prepared for them not to let you go that easily. You are useful to have around like a dog to kick.

You have be strong and to go no contact. Give in after 5 or 10 attempts at contact from them and they will just know how many times and how to step up things to drag you back in.

They will try and use that they have a right to see your children against you.

It will really hurt. You are making the right decision though.

If your DH is onside then if he is happy to get him to field their calls/contact.

Good luck /hugs

Thank you for your messages. Its been a week since I told my parents that I was never seeing them again and my parents have made no attempt to contact me.

Ah... Xales, that's helpful. Am cutting off my DSis, she keeps ringing, has left messages etc which I delete without listening to.

I've been wobbling recently, feeling mean for doing so etc etc, but my reasons were and are justified. Enough is enough.

If I cave and text her now, even to tell her to leave me alone, it will start the whole process again. MUST. STAY. RESOLUTE.

They think you are not serious, that you will cave in the end.

thing is, it's really easy to wobble - See my post above! Remind yourself of WHY you are doing this. Remember the look on your DS face when the threat was made. These things will get you through this.

My mother has written a really lame letter. I don't think she gets it.

I haved decided to ignore her letter for the time being. This is so hard.

She gets it, but she's not taking you seriously, i suspect she may even have written that letter to rile you.

Ignore them all.

"How have other people got over the pain of cutting contact with toxic parents?"

I have witnessed at least two people who never got over the pain. Even though the parents were truly appalling people in varying ways, the suffering appeared to be very one-sided. I think, in a cock-eyed sort of way, the family treat the one dropping contact as merely confirming their bad opinion ..... it doesn't hurt them in the slightest because they don't care. I would not therefore give them the satisfaction of making a statement. I'd simply make myself inaccessible and unavailable until and unless I needed something specific.

I think that cutting contact hurts the parents immensely. The parents do love thier children, but have no insight into how awful their behaviour is. My parents seem to have a total utter lack of theory of mind or they refuse to take any kind of responsbility for their actions.

It's tempting to think others react & respond the same way as you when they really don't. You are hurting whereas your mother has written you a 'lame letter'. She is not hurting. They know full well how upsetting their behaviour is, but they can justify it to themselves. When you stomped out of the room as a teen saying 'I hate you' they will have shrugged their shoulders, knowing you'll be back. This is the same thing.

erm I don't think they do know 'full well' how upsetting their behaviour is. As I said on another thread here this morning, they are sick and poisonous people who have no idea what love is.

I have cut off my family and I can honestly say it is bliss. absolute BLISS. It took me many attempts though over many years. However, they came out in flying colours in the past year and at long last the veil has lifted and I have no compunction, no sorrow, no regret, no longing. It has finally all gone. JOY!

They can see others getting upset so they always know that their behaviour is upsetting. Unless they are pathologically incapable of empathy, they either think they are justified, right or they simply don't care about other people's feelings enough to change.

I have no contact with my mother and stepfather and haven't done for seven years. Unlike Cogito's friends/acquaintances it doesn't upset me at all and has improved my life beyond recognition. You have to really want it though and not be tempted by the various attempts to pull you back into the mire. You also have to be tough enough to get through occasions where people get sentimental about family (Mothers' Day, Christmas birthdays etc). Other than that, it's a piece of cake.

If it doesn't upset you why do you have to be tough to get through occasions.... ?

Cogito, I don't, but I know that other people do.

I think you might be assuming a lot there RT.

I think that cutting contact hurts the parents immensely.
I thin Cognito is right, they don't take you at all seriously. You are not eneitled to your opinion, you are not 'grown up enough' to have one, in their eyes

The parents do love their children Springydaffs is right here. I'm sure of this as the dynamics of abusive partners is the same. They think they love you, as they are supposed to, but why on earth would someone sit there and condone, accept and excuse the fact that their son threatened to KILL their DD?

Why are they acting as if nothing happened? Because, to them, nothing DID. Your DB is entitled to get away - apparently - with murder, you are not worth enough to save.

You ARE attributing emotions to these people that they do not have.

You are NOT wired like them, you are the odd one out. Your entire life you thought YOU were in the wrong. NEWSFLASH, you aren't, it's just that you were in the minority so THOUGHT they were all right and you were not.

You are a square peg to them, an anomaly. They don't really get you but that's OK to them, cos they don't really want to.

Ultimately cutting you off won't upset them from a missing you point of view, it will humiliate them to the outside world, they will splutter and rage at the thought of NOT having you hanging on their every word. They will squirm when anyone asks after you, cos they won't know a thing and they will run out of details to use to pretend they are not rejected by you.

They will fume, thinking that you have no right to be so rude to THEM, how dare you, how ungrateful, after everything they have done.... they will not see one second of the crap they have shovelled on to you.

Take note of springy's words, she's not looked back! It's little like ripping off a plaster, hurts at the time, but feels so much better once you have some fresh air on the wound.

Cogito, i get what CleosAsp says, the Mothers Day shit would upset because of the realisation that you NEVER had anyone worthy of the day. It's a reminder of how much you were short changed.

IMVHO, of course. I'm midway through the process myself. Reminders of what I've never had are shit.