Help needed to support friend who is victim of domestic violence

[PedallingSquares]

How can I help my friend who's partner is becoming increasing abusive and violent to get him to move out and stay out?

She wants him to go and has told him to go but he is very threatening and refuses to leave/says he will come back etc

She is frightened of him returning and also for her daughter who lives alone locally.

Does anyone have any advice or experience of how to handle the situation? How supportive are the police likely to be? He has told her they would consider it a domestic.

Also for anyone who has been through it, what did you want/need from your friends.

Sorry for rambling - I am a bit in shock about it all as I had no idea how bad it was until she just called

She could probably do with talking to Women's Aid, (and it might be useful for you to look at their online stuff too). You may find supporting her hard as it can often take many attempts for someone to actually get free of such a relationship. It is good that she has told you, but she may regret it and withdraw, say it's not as bad as all that - or he may try to interfere with the friendship if he considers it a threat to his control of her.

The police are supposed to take 'domestics' seriously these days. They can remove him from the home or take her to a refuge.

Longer term, she can get an injunction to keep him away legally. If he was to break it, the police would be able to arrest and charge him.

It may be a better course for her to consider leaving herself.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

She won't leave as it is her house from prior to their relationship and he has no stake in it.

I will have a look at Women's Aid.

I feel very cut off because she says he checks her phone and emails all the time (as he thinks her imaginary lovers will be contacting her) so I am concerned that if I call or anything while he is there that it may cause the situation to escalate if he misinterprets the message or thinks I am a go-between (another of his accusations)

As her friend you just need to listen. You can advise her and point her towards womens aid etc but most of all you just need to try not to be offended when she seems to irrationally ignore the help.

It can be so frustrating when the solution seems so obvious to you but she doesnt see it. You have to remember this man is in her head, manipulating her thoughts.

If its possible could you offer for her to come to yours if she ever needs to get out? Or could she start leaving some possessions eg clothes, money, important paperwork at yours so its there if she needs to get away?

The WA site has links for friends/family to help them support victims. The best case she has is to look at her legal rights to have him removed. She can do this when he kicks off again. Or she might be able to go to the DV dept of the local police and ask them for advice, have them on standby for when she tells him to go.

It's her house, she's not married, so she CAN call the police and have him removed. She has the right to end any relationship she likes when she likes.

If he has been/is violent toward her, she must call the police, and she must report it. It's in her very best interests to get herself checked over and report any injuries to the Doctor.

She needs to create a quiet paper trail to back up her case for non-molestation orders, and any other actions she may be required to take in the future.

WA can tell her all about what she can do to strengthen her position. SHE has to be the one to make the move, to tell him to go, it has to be her decision, or she may crumble shortly afterwards and take him back.

the most dangerous time in a DV victim's life is the time she is trying to leave him, so make sure that she is prepared. She can flee and then apply for a residence order aFAIK to get him removed, as she has rights to stay there, he doesn't.

If they're not married and he has no financial stake in the home, then she has a lot more recourse legally to get him out and keep him out. A lawyer or Citizen's Advice will be able to help her on that one, and the police could be alerted to the possibility of trouble at the address say on the happy day she puts his bags out.

If possible, try to actually see her so you can talk properly.

If the house is hers the police will remove him. They should be very helpful as standard policy is one of positive charging (or something like that) i.e. they will prosecute without victim statement etc if they can. Def worth her calling them as well as womens aid etc

Thanks for all your replies.

It is good to know that she can get him legally removed from the house.

I suppose all I can do is make sure she knows I am here for her and wait until she is ready to reach out again. I wanted to have some practical information for that time if she asks.

She did say she would call Women's Aid but she needs to wait until he is at work. She called me while out walking the dog but had to dash back in case she was accused of being up to god knows what.

She seems like she is ready to get him out but just not sure how and very very frightened. Also her self esteem is almost completely gone.

I don't live locally to her (which I think is part of the reason why she contacted me) so I hadn't noticed plus she has been having a lot of problems at work which I thought was causing her low mood. I will try to visit her this week, if she wants me to. I am terrified of making things worse for her.

Wow, well done to your friend for opening up to you. What a courageous thing to do.

The Police DO take 'domestics' seriously, they will intervene in both verbal and physical assaults (I've seen literally hundreds of police reports pertaining to domestic violence in my line of work)

Also, she would benefit from an occupation order, this is used to dictate who lives in the property, more info here: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330002

As a former helper I will reiterate ? be ready for frustration and some anxiety, as she may well change her mind, take him back, and minimise things before she gets him out. It can be a long haul.

If you feel a temptation to tear into him when she talks to you, try to resist it, as she may leap to his defence and retreat from you. Take a deep breath... and keep listening.

Though I'm guessing you know him well enough to feel shocked, and bewildered, that the lovely man you thought your friend had married, is not that lovely after all. :(

Some helpful links from Women's Aid -

Women's Aid - How can I help a friend or family member who is experiencing domestic violence?

Support for family and friends of women experiencing abuse

You could agree some code words for phone conversations. In texts I tended to avoid names, and be very circumspect in what I said. Same with email. I knew he was keylogging, and had installed other spyware, so we tried to stick with telephones and personal contact.

He had not escalated to full scale violence at that point, but had reached the intimidation and (friend's) phone calls to police stage.

Tread carefully and take your cues from her as much as you can. Good luck Pedalling; you and your friend are showing such courage.

... technical hitch -the second link becomes corrupted if I try and post it, but there is a link there from the first article for anyone who would find it helpful.

Thanks for your kind and helpful posts.

More than anything she seemed to be ashamed both of the bruises and of the fact that she had let this man into her life. She wanted reassurance that I hadn't known he was like this from the start.

He is screaming at her in the house while the windows etc are open, accusing her of all sorts, in the most graphic of terms (none of which is true) and she is embarrassed to know that her neighbours must have overheard it.

The thing that worries me most is that she said she felt it was better for him to be living with her where she could 'keep an eye on him' rather than chucking him out to be homeless and with nothing to lose if he took some sort of revenge. I will take your advice and support her while trying to gently guide her. Of course the choice is hers.

I just want to make everything OK for my lovely friend. I want to go round there and bodily chuck him out. I won't of course. I do realise this is not about what I want or what I think she should do, but it is helpful to know what to expect.

All your friend needs to do is make contact with her local police station either by phone or in person, ask to speak to an officer who is experienced in domestic violence, and be honest about what he is doing, the physical, verbal,and other abuse she has sustained, and continues to sustain, past and present injuries etc.

If he is not named on your friend's mortgage/deeds/tenancy agreement, he has no legal right to remain in her home if she doesn't want him there and she can call the police and asked for him to be removed from her property at any time of the day or night.

I suggest that, if she feels that she cannot dial 999 when he is screaming at her etc, she asks her neighbours to do so - in fact, it seems surprising that none have taken the initiative when they've heard her being abused.

As for him taking revenge if he's forcibly removed from her home, many bullies rely on bluff and bluster and it's probable that an encounter with the boys/girls in blue will be sufficient to persuade him that he's best advised to leave her alone.

If not, an easily obtained non-molestation/restraining order will prohibit him coming within a set distance of her/her home, but once he's been arrested and cooled his heels in the cells a couple of times it's likely he'll see the light and move on to a new victim.

Does your friend have dc? Regardless, your friend needs to act sooner rather than later as far too many women have ended up sustaining serious injury, and worse, because they believed it couldn't happen to them - Tina Nash being one such example of misguided thinking.

Fortunately, Tina lived to tell the tale but many other victims of domestic violence haven't.

Your friend's self-esteem will be in bits; does she have access to a computer? Can you refer her to this board so that she can be reassured she is not alone in having placed her trust in a man who subsequently revealed himself to be nothing more than a vicious bully?

When she does get him out you may also want to point her in tbe direction of getting referred for counselling by her gp.

It sounds as though she is going to need reassurance that it wasnt her fault and that she shouldnt feel ashamed to have let him into her life.

If she feels that he would take some kind of revenge, is this because he has threatened it? If so that would be enough to go to the police. Everyone has the right to end a relationship without being threatened.

Actually talking to her gp could be a good way of getting some real life support - most surgeries have information boards and the doctor herself/himself should be able to signpost possible avenues for assistance, (if they're any good). Also they can document the violence. It should be more difficult for him to object to her going out, if she says she needs contraception/smear/bloodtest (whatever is believable).

Just as many of you predicted she has indeed changed her mind about telling him to leave.

She has decided to have a 'trial period' with him. Apparently they have agreed new boundaries and she feels it is 'very different' now.

I don't know any more information than that as she has retreated from me (again as predicted by your posts). I have tried to be supportive and accepting so as not to push her away but I don't think it's appropriate for me to say "oh that's a good idea" either.

Should I try to call her again to find out more or just wait it out for her to come back to me, if she wants to?

I know he won't change. But friend is so forgiving and he knows exactly how to manipulate her. I just get the impression from her that she knows this isn't the right thing to do for her and can't face talking to me about it.

I can't do anything right now can I?

Pedalling, I have my own thread going when I was invited to support my neighbour on Sunday night - she unlocked the door and invited me in 'to support her' because she finally confessed to her visiting family that her husband is violent towards her.

I was threatened by the husband who had to be restrained by family members. I ended up leaving my own home after midnight because I didn't feel safe.

I am trying to take advice from izzy and others on my thread because I don't want my female neighbour to end up alone. She and her family come from abroad so she only has an extended family visit once a year.

I have done a lot of thinking. I somehow have to keep female neighbour (and 2 DCs) close without having any sort of interaction with the abusive husband.

It's a tricky one pedalling! So I can't give you any advice - it would be like asking the village idiot how to pass exams!

This is not uncommon. It's been estimated that victims of dv suffer some 30+ assaults before they leave their abusers for the last time.

For 'different' read 'same old' disguised by a temporary cessation of overt hostility which will come to an abrupt end with a sudden resumption of violent behaviour on his part.

Whatever new 'boundaries' have been agreed between them, he won't keep to the deal because men like him continually transgress boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

It's frustrating and it's depressing, but all you can do is 'be there' for her when she makes contact with you again - as she will in the not too distant future.

Your friend has made her choice and my sympathy is reserved for you and for the dog. Happily, your friend's dd doesn't live with her although, no doubt, she is aware of the failings in her dm's relationship and I can't help thinking that her dm is an appalling role model for a, presumably, young woman.

sadwidow What an awful situation. Keep yourself safe too

It's so difficult isn't it?

I find it impossible to gauge what would be helpful, what would be interfering and what would put her at greater risk.

Could you send me a link to your thread? I'd like to read some of the advice you are getting.

Anything other than being available for her may be seen by her, as well as him, as you being interfering and may serve to put her at greater risk of physical harm.

The advice sw is getting is about the necessity of keeping herself safe while holding a watching/listening brief in respect of her neighbours.

It is so upsetting Pedalling but all you can do is non-judgmentally stick to your stance because you won't be proved wrong...............but it may be a long haul. One day she will need you again because she knows you believe her and support her.

Heartbreaking.

Izzyizin It's depressing indeed.

Sorry I didn't say earlier, friend has two DD's and the younger one (late teens) still lives at home. DD2 came home earlier than expected one night and witnessed her mother's partner calling her mother a lying cunt and shaking her about last week. This was what prompted the call to me I think.

Knowing friend and her attitude to her kids I honestly thought that because her DD had been exposed to it she would chuck him out. It is terrifying to think what he has said/done to make her change her mind on this.

I am scared that she will not contact me again when it all starts up again. She was so defensive when she told me she was staying with him.

Sorry to hear this Pedalling. He has probably been extremely pleasant to her, and she thinks she has the 'good man he really is' back. :(

You're in a difficult position because there is child witnessing the violence. Having said that, this is an older child who can presumably act on her own behalf? Do you know the older child ? is there a chance of talking to her and asking how she's doing, or would that stick out like a sore thumb (ie raise partner's suspicions)?

With your friend, you don't have to actively support her decision to go back.

You can try putting your counsellor hat on and try some version of, 'OK. You?ve decided to go back. And it feels different this time? Are you sure? Even though X and Y happened. You didn't deserve that, in my view. But, it must be your decision.

'Now, I'm still here if it doesn't work out, or you want to call me. OK?' And then? you have to leave her to it.

This is more or less what I did. It is not interfering, as you are not attempting to intervene, or correct her decision: and you have voiced your doubts as neutrally as you can. The risk she is taking now is her own choice. You have not exacerbated it at all.

Sadwidow's experience is extreme, and rare, but the WA advice on intervention is "Ensure that you do not put yourself into a dangerous situation; for example, do not offer to talk to the abuser about your friend or let yourself be seen by the abuser as a threat to their relationship." ...

Don't worry about the defensiveness. It's temporary. She will be very glad you are there, probably sooner than she thinks, poor woman. :(

Thanks for the responses. They have really helped with trying to deal with the frustration I feel.

ladyWordy I do know her daughter but yes I think me contacting her directly would be unusual enough to arose suspicion and also my friend may feel betrayed. I am pretty sure her DD does not know the full extent of the problem.

I have pretty much done as you suggest with saying 'are you sure' and agreeing that it has to be her decision and making it very, very clear that I am here for her if she needs me. So I will leave it there and wait.

Sadly I have absolutely no doubt that he will hurt her again.