Feel like a dirty little secret - what would you do?

[boomchikawahwah]

I really don't know if I want to read these replies and I haven't even started yet lol but here we go....

I've worked with someone for a year and a half, became great friends, split up from our partners around the same time and began spending lots of time together. Then she tells me she fancies me and I say the same (she's only ever been with men but classes herself as bi) and I'm gay.... Here we are a few months down the line, she says she's never felt like this about anyone before, loves me, could spend every moment with me, misses me when we're not together etc.We've talked about moving in together and going travelling and basically been having a secret relationship for months.

When this whole thing between us started people at work started talking and asked us if anything was going on which we had to deny at the time because it was early days. We're both quite close to people at work and because we've denied it for so long,it's hard to go back on it now. However my issue is that she lies to people that she's with me - saying she's out with a group of us or saying she's with someone else entirely. She hasn't told her family or friends about us and won't add me to facebook? When we're together she's completely into it and you would never know there was a problem, she tells me she loves me and wants to be with me, initiates texts and phonecalls.... yet to the outside world, what we have is a total secret. I just needed to get this out there because I don't know what's going on.

I've asked her before about it and have told her how I feel and she cried and said she was devestated she's made me feel this way but we can't turn around to everyone at work and say "well, actually guys, i know we've been denying it for months but...." and said that she will tell her family and friends, she just wants to wait a bit longer. I do understand that and don't want to add any pressure because I know it's not an easy thing to do - to come out at 26 years old when everyone thinks you're straight....but equally, the whole thing just makes me feel inadequate - her ex was good enough to introduce to her family and socialise with her friends but not me....It just makes me feel worthless. I also think that if she loves me as much as she says she does, she would care enough to try and rectify the situation, it's been 5 months now....

Sorry for the essay....tell me to get a grip if that's what you think....thanks

I remember having a secret relationship with someone at work - we kept quiet about it because we both wanted to. Maybe you dp is making it into a huge issue in her head because she hasn't come to terms with her sexuality. Would she be open to seeing a counsellor to explore her anxieties. It must feel very frustrating for you

I think it is really understandable she is scared to tell everyone she is with you and is no reflection of her feelings for you.
I can also understand why you feel upset.

"I know it's not an easy thing to do - to come out at 26 years old when everyone thinks you're straight."

That's your problem. It's her fear of the reaction she'd get from others that is holding her back, rather than anything to do with you personally. Maybe her family are not the tolerant type and she expects some nasty backlash? The people at work have obviously twigged. Perhaps with encouragement, she can find the courage to be more honest. Of course, if she still can't be open about your relationship, if you suspect she only gets turned on by the idea that you are 'forbidden fruit'... then it's probably a deal-breaker.

Oh, that does sound very difficult for you both!

But I do think it would be very unfair of her to continue on like that. Five months is a long time.
FWIW, I think any kind of relationship can be tricky at work. I have worked with people who were carrying on relationships in work for ages and you would never have known. In one case the couple actually got married shortly after she left the company and no-one had known they were even going out.

What are her friends and family like? Are they nice people, would they be accepting?

Actually the work thing could be easily solved by you both saying you have just started to go out together? No-one need know it was going on for months.