Anyone up? Just sent DH an email to say I'm Done.

[Kurlywurly]

I've had enough. DH went to pub last night, and still not home. He does this fairly regularly. Ignores calls, texts. Gets absolutely plastered with his mates and eventually crawls home.
We've got a toddler and a baby. I'm exhausted as it is, as the baby wakes regularly in the night, without being kept awake wondering where he is, is he ok, are we about to be burgled (if he's out I can't put burglar alarm on and I'm paranoid about it as we got burgled 2 years ago while we slept).
I feel like he cannot respect me if he can do this to me so often. I don't mind him going out and having fun, but why does it have to be to this extreme?
We've been having a bad time lately anyway. Constant rows, due to tiredness and stress of having two under three.
So he last contacted me at 2.30 after I phoned him to ask where he is, and at 4.15 he's still not here. This isn't normal behaviour is it?
I wrote all my feelings on an email and sent it to his blackberry. Don't know if he's read it or not. But I told him that I am done with this.
I'm scared and don't know that I really do want to split but I can't be with someone who does this to me.
Sorry if this doesn't make good sense but I'm really upset.

I just tried calling him again and it goes straight to voicemail. I feel sick, I shouldn't have sent it. Fuck.

You're right this isn't normal behaviour. You can't change what was said in the email so worrying about that won't help you tbh. It sounds a lot like your 'D'H doesn't respect you. If he did he would not be happy to let you worry like this. Hopefully your email hits home as to just how unfair his behaviour towards you is. And fwiw I think however hard being on your own is, it's rarely as hard as being in an unhappy relationship!

I'm sorry I can't be of more help!

Couldn't read and leave. No he's being an idiot about his behaviour. Obviously it's fine to go out and have drinks but if he can't be do it responsibly and not let his wife worry (who's exhausted with 2 young ones) then he's a first class idiot.

I wouldn't worry about his safety. If he's done this before and somehow managed to get home safely at some point then leave him to it.

You need to get some sleep ready for tomorrow. Can you drop your toddler off somewhere with a friend or family so you can get some rest tomorrow? Plan your day tomorrow and forget him. If he comes home crawling back then deal with him when you are up to it. Your priorities are your kids now.

Good luck.

Just rang his friend, who was asleep and said he'd already left. He only lives a ten minute walk away, I should stop worrying but I can't.
You're right, I should go to sleep but I am so angry & wired up.
I will try to work out what to do tomorrow with the children. I don't want yet another row in front of them.

Kurlywurly, don't worry about his safety. He'll be fine. I have been there too and I really, really hate it. I know it's partly an over-reaction on my part (my dad did this) but I've told DH this is something I cannot handle. I don't think it necessarily means he doesn't respect you - he might be drunk, having fun, not wanting to leave, knows he should go home, doesn't want to answer the phone etc. People can change over time but you should be clear to him that you are not okay with this.

Sorry KW, cross post. He needs to explain where he went leaving friend's house.

He just got in. I asked him if he's got anything to say to me and he said, err how are you?
Told him to read his emails.
Funny how his phone is literally attached to his fingertips apart from when I need him.
I don't think he does this vindictively - he loves having fun and does get carried away. I just want him to grow up but seeing as he's past 40 now I don't think that's going to happen.

Flora I don't know how else to get it through to him that I'm not ok with it. We have this conversation every single time it happens. His excuse is always that he didn't 'intend' to stay out, it just happened, as if it's ok because there was no intent.

Use all that restless energy you have putting his clothes in a bin bag. When he comes crawling in, open the front door, give it to him, shut the door, put on the alram and go to bed.

He is not been a respectful husband or father. And quiet frankly, if he has been hurt it is because he is out, in the dark, drunk. When he should have been home helping you. I understand that is harsh and no one should be attacked. But life means you don't put your self in a risky situation.

And being a husband and father means you are home with your family.

Why can't you have the alarm when he's out?

Lock your entry doors, put the alarm on, and go sleep, honey.

You don't need this; if he wants to get back in he'll have to call you instead of you spending the night trying to locate him.

Do you have someone you can drop the dc off with for an hour so later today so that you can give the twunt both barrels?

What? He's just got in at 4.45am, he's over 40 and he has a partner and 2 young children. AND he does this regularly? I'm sorry Kurlywurly but no wonder you're fucked off with him.

I'd read him the fucking riot act. Get him up at 7am give him the kids to look after and go out for the day.

He needs to grow up and sharpish.

You have my every sympathy, young children are ENORMOUSLY difficult and exhausting and you need him to man up.

Sorry x post.

Pack his bag and send him on his way. He is telling you he is 40 years old with no self control? Bull. He just does want to.

Sorry. Doesn't want to have any control.

And when I say send him on his way. You don't have to kick him out forever. But he needs a lesson and living on someone's couch for a week or two while begging his wife to take him back may help him grow up. And if not, life for you can oh get better

Xposted. He's home and snoring his head off while you're still tearing your hair out?

So he cuts loose and goes walkabout? Don't let that stop you getting your zzzzs; and don't let that stop you leaving the dc with him while you go walkabout sometimes.

KW, this is very shitty. I agree with ClaudiaSchiffer (although I can't stick the real her). Can you make him feel the pain? Take off today and make him look after the kids? Lots of us (men and women) need to be forced, kicking and screaming, into adult life.

You need to give him an ultimatum and stick to it. The big man child needs to choose - you or the going out. You don't need to live with this x

So where was he if he wasn't at his friend's house? that he couldn't answer his phone??

We're supposed of stopped this kind of thing before having kids.resend the memo..

Kurly, your husband is not taking responsibility for his behaviour. You need some clear thinking time of your own to decide where your boundary on this is, communicate it to him when he's sober and not hungover and be very clear what the consequence will be if he does this again.

As hard as this is, you have to take the emotions and feelings out of this because I suspect a constant circle of you trying to reason with someone that doesn't know how to and because of you love him, you continually forgive or at least, sweep it under the carpet until the next time.

I won't judge on the rights and wrongs of people's socialising habits as ultimately, this is a matter for man and wife to decide on together so both parties are OK with a reasonable compromise.

What I do know is that once you build a sensitivty to his disrespect, all of your emotions about it are escalated and it won't get any better than this without drastic action. Hugs to you this morning as I can see just how little sleep, if any you have had and you have young, demanding little beings to care for today.

Come to an arrangement where he gets to go out and get drunk once a month in return for him getting up to children every Friday and Saturday night. Or something. I think you are partly furious at the unfairness of the workload so make him do more.

My husband did something similar a while back, I was not amused. He eventually got in around 5am and was shocked that I was so pissed off with him. We have 3 children, 7, 5 and 2.

I made him get up the next day and do his share and did not let him off with it.

If he had said to me Tubby, I'm going out and its going to be a really late one I would have asked him to stay over at his friend's house, so that I wasn't lying there worrying/getting pissed off all night.

I don't mind him having the odd night out, but when it messes with my sleep that is when it pisses me off. He also wouldn't object to me doing the same to be fair.

If, however, he did it on a regular basis and knew I was upset, he would be shown the door!

How often do you get a night out, OP?